http://www.makepovertyhistory.org

Monday, August 29, 2005

I’m in Recovery

As my friends have probably noticed, I redesigned my blog a week or two back. The purpose was to begin envisioning that Benedictine community my BF and I have been discussing—at least on-line for now. To provide a sanctuary, a place where others can rest a moment, pause, pray, be themselves…especially any young folk who happen along…

The logo features an Altar Table with a monstrance on it, a sanctuary light reminding all who present themselves that Christ is present, and an icon of Ss. Sergius and Bacchus in embrace.

Sometimes, I hunger for Benediction, for Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament, and that hunger manifest itself in my redesign. You could say, you can take the boi out of catholicism, but you can’t take catholicism out of the boi. My tastes tend toward the Baroque, the Byzantine. Dripping in flesh, running with blood, sticky with love, bursting with Heaven.

Eucharist on my best days is the lens through which I seek to meet everything and everyone as grace. To see Christ in others, as Father Benedict commands. And the lens is one ingested and one through which to hold my gaze…working outwardly and inwardly.

I long for those Medieval practices that the Reformer’s corrected but over compensated for not noticing their Gospel value, especially in an age where the written and spoken word have once again become part of a greater whole, the Word in Bread and Wine points me to seeing Christ in my daily meals, Christ in my sisters and brothers, Christ in the world. I think we’re due for a resurgence of ocular communion in a time when we neither see one another or Creation as potential icon of the Holy Spirit, where we feast while others famine, making too few connections between the Body and Blood in bread and wine and loving our neighbors as ourselves:

The reredos
Was not a decorative work of art
Full of Church symbols,
But clear glass
With the danger
Of drawing our attention
Away from the things that are proper to the communion table.

For in the transparency
The green blueness of the earth
Was branching in the sight of the morning,
The flowing of the river was a blossoming,
The sky was a joyour flight. And the sunlight
Enflamed the clouds.

And I noticed
The priest's eyes
As if he were unknowingly
Putting his hands
On these gifts
As if these gifts of nature,
Were
The bread and the wine. (Welsh poet Euros Bowen)

Looking back, I left the Roman Catholic Church in a huff. I was angry, rightfully so. But I didn’t stick around to see if I could work that out, and I still had to deal with my anger. For better or worse, I chose to leave. But I took both sorrows and joys with me. My Roman Catholicism didn’t simply evaporate from my soul. As time has passed, I’ve come to appreciate parts of my Roman Catholic days, recovering what gave me strength to be more myself in the first place, recovering more deeply that sacramental sense that wound Eucharist and eating and sleeping and drinking and dancing and sinning and making love and vetching and struggling--life! My limited gift of poetry, some published, has eluded me almost entirely ever since, except for an occasional haiku, a form my spiritual director suggested. I lost touch with part of myself in breaking with my Roman Catholic choice, one slow to recover.

Now, having been Anglican six years, I find sometimes that I live with a divided heart though this is a place where I can attend to my Pentecostal heritage, my Protestant roots, and my Catholic heart. But I especially miss Adoration, though I suppose I could, like I did so often as a Roman Catholic boi, simply stop by the sanctuary, bow before Christ in the aumbry, and sit in prayer and meditation. I hear The Church of the Advent has regular Adoration. I may have to stop by.

Adoration of the Blesed Sacrament speaks of my passion for Christ, and richly informs my own imagery of life as poems from my past I think make obvious. Admittedly, someone unfamiliar with the erotic spirituality of many Medieval mystics (both women and men) may find these offensive and even sacreligious, especially since I not only don't deny, but positively lift up a homoerotic bent (I've since learned that other gay men make such connections as well, but at the time, I thought I was pretty much alone. I'll post some such poetry by much better versed men than myself in the near future.):

Festal Wedding

Hands extended in vow's embrace:
"I pronounce you bride of Christ."
Honeyed cakes and apple wine
pulsing through my veins.
Rising desire seizes doubt,
I throw all else away;
my lips burst in appled kisses;
I taste your heart--Caress your face.

Carry me forth to your festal chamber,
lead me to your hallowed place;
Lift my pall of tattered mourning,
steal my broken shape;
Crown me with a veil of morning,
robe me in Belgian lace;
Seize me in my fallen darkness,
Take me in groans of grace.
O, I've played the whore so often--
but you, you, my Love, make me chaste.
Continue Reading...

Sunday, August 28, 2005

We Are Family



This last week the California Supreme Court ruled that same sex couples have the same rights and responsibilities that come with parenthood as opposite sex couples. Should a spouse separate from his or her partner, he or she is still responsible for the children of the relationship. Legal or not, morally, I would have to say, "duh". Nonetheless, this is a huge step forward toward protecting these most vulnerable among us--children.

In the mean time a petition is again on the ballot to make same sex marriages unconstitutional in California and in one version to put an end to California's domestic partnership registration program which affords same sex couples with most of the rights and responsibilities of marriage, now including, the rights and responsibilities to take care of one's children. The attacks are near daily from church and state, and yet some good news shines through here and there.

Family Values for Whom?

Family Values? Apparently, only for those who look like Ward and June. Clearly, these folks don't give a fig about the children of same sex couples or of single parents, muchless those on the streets. It's all about Jesus and Meeeeeeeeeee. And people just like Meeeeeeeeeee. So much for the Body! Looks rather unidimensional, univocal, and unChristlike from here.

Dylan mentioned in response to Derek's lament that children are redemptive media in our culture, and those of us who choose not to, do not, cannot have children are treated as a lesser species of human being.

But only for some of us it seems are children redemptive media. And for Christians, in my opinion, to see children as the means of our redemption is wholly unChristian (And more so, because orthodox Christian theology recognizes our redemption is wholly from G-d.) in the first place. No human person is ever a means to an end. Children, like all of us, are gifts, to be received from G-d with praise and thanksgiving, to be given loving guidance in their growing up, but all along (given especially that we baptize infants), fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.

A Many Membered Body

More than once, I've caught myself pondering my worth because I'm childless and literally will likely remain so. I am a "dry tree". Even adoption is not a likely option due to expense and my BF's international status and my BF not wanting to raise children. Yet, when I examine our lives, I find that our childlessness affords us to make contributions to others' children and to do other important ministries. Not better, just different. So, in a queer reading of Isaiah 56 and Acts 8, texts that both read us and are read by us in a lectio fashion, G-d calls out people of my sort and condition and circumstances and gives us a place at G-d's Table and in Christ's Body as well.

On the other hand, many of my sisters and brothers with children are stretched and strapped economically, mentally, physically. On the one hand, they are praised for having children, yet on the other hand, they receive little concrete support beyond mere words alone. Many of them too get little thanks in practices for trying their damndest to raise the next generation well. Raising children and being a good parent (and a good spouse as the case may be) are not seen as callings from G-d.

And our ecclesial structures as a whole have not adjusted accordingly to recognizing that, indeed, being a good parent, being a good husband/wife/partner are vocations in their own right alongside our other callings be they clerical or lay. And so we don't challenge in the name of Jesus Christ 1) the "Christian family values" of a President George Bush, values largely predicated on being raised with a silver spoon in his mouth and demonizing single parents and queer folk, or 2) the status quo of ecclesial arrangements with regard to family leave and the limits and multidimensional callings of our clergy, many of whom serve us tirelessly with too little thanks and recognition and time to be at home.

Derek wrote in commenting on my post on "Family Values?: These Our Little Ones":

Thanks for this post, Christopher, and for all the thoughts here. You and I and others have discussed what the way forward is--how do straight Christians hope to understand the inner life of queer Christians and vice versa. I feel like you have offered a very real example of how to do that...it's in the bearing of one another's burdens... [slightly corrected]


Isn't that the point of the Body as that organism called together in Christ by the Spirit which ought to make us different from a mere social club? Yet too often we are just that, a social club. Rather than focusing on how we can build one another up, we too often get down on one another trying to get the one-up on a sister or brother. I too have been guilty of this. We forget that we're a Body and each of us has callings and gifts to share, sufferings and burdens to bear. How do we enter into these? Where can we lift a finger? When we eat and drink our Lord together at the Table, do we see the Lord in one another in the convocation? Are we stirred to minister with one another? Or do we rejoice in another's suffering, suffer in another's rejoicing? Gloat in self-justification for who G-d created us to be, rather than in all humility meeting others different than ourselves as G-d's beloved as well, called to the Table not by us, but by G-d? Rub another's face in the dirt? Or pull him or her off the ground and bandage the wounds? Do we secretly pray, as many Jewish men pray even today, "Thank G-d, you didn't make me a woman (or gay, black, rich, straight, white, poor...)?" That after all is the point of St. Paul's sharp rebuke in 1 Corinthians 11:

Now in the following instructions I do not commend you, because when you come together it is not for the better but for the worse. For, to begin with, when you come together as a church, I hear that there are divisions among you; and to some extent I believe it. Indeed, there have to be factions among you, for only so will it become clear who among you are genuine. When you come together, it is not really to eat the Lord's supper. For when the time comes to eat, each of you goes ahead with your own supper, and one goes hungry and another becomes drunk. What! Do you not have homes to eat and drink in? Or do you show contempt for the church of God and humiliate those who have nothing? What should I say to you? Should I commend you? In this matter I do not commend you!

For I received from the Lord what I also handed on to you, that the Lord Jesus on the night when he was betrayed took a loaf of bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, "This is my body that is for you. Do this in remembrance of me." In the same way he took the cup also, after supper, saying, "This cup is the new covenant in my blood. Do this, as often as you drink it, in remembrance of me." For as often as you eat this bread and drink the cup, you proclaim the Lord's death until he comes.

Whoever, therefore, eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be answerable for the body and blood of the Lord. Examine yourselves, and only then eat of the bread and drink of the cup. For all who eat and drink without discerning the body, eat and drink judgment against themselves. For this reason many of you are weak and ill, and some have died. But if we judged ourselves, we would not be judged. But when we are judged by the Lord, we are disciplined so that we may not be condemned along with the world.

So then, my brothers and sisters, when you come together to eat, wait for one another. If you are hungry, eat at home, so that when you come together, it will not be for your condemnation. About the other things I will give instructions when I come.


Discerning the Body in One Another

"You cannot claim to worship Jesus in the Tabernacle, if you do not pity Jesus in the slums. . . It is folly -- it is madness -- to suppose that you can worship Jesus in the Sacraments and Jesus on the throne of glory, when you are sweating him in the souls and bodies of his children." - Bishop Frank Weston at the 1923 Anglo-Catholic Congress


As I once wrote to ++Archbishop Vlazney, RC archbishop of Portland, "What good is it if we can see Christ in bread and wine and not in one another? If another comes to you with a complaint, go first and make amends, and then return to the Table together." I mentioned to Caelius in a rant, as a Body we are called to rejoice with those who rejoice and grieve with those who grieve, lifting a finger where we can, and where we can't undo another's suffering due to circumstances beyond our control (likely structural), to offer a word of encouragement and prayer and support as we are able in making changes (sometimes openly resisting, sometimes acting as midwives):

In other words, from here, those comparable to the Boers are those (and I am not by any stretch implicating all of my straight kin here) who daily beat G-d's queer folk with Holy Writ and take G-d's Name in vain in the process justifying their abuse in G-d's Name...I don't witness those who oppose queer folk killing themselves, getting bashed, murdered?...So, just as the Boers took Scripture to justify apartheid, black South Africans inhabited Scripture and found themselves free...so in the mean time to some degree my reception or not cannot be wholly dependent on whether my straight brothers and sisters receive me and my sort and condition...some will, and I am most thankful for them, but many may not...

Now, that said, the answer is not self-flagellation or guilt on the part of any of us. These solve nothing and often tear down rather than build up as everybody goes about seeing who can up the other in terms of suffering. Wrong! I've heard vicious stuff flow out of liberal mouths such as, who cares if such and such's son killed himself, they're rich, they're suffering isn't as bad as mine. Ugghhh.

The answer is solidarity, entering into the joys and griefs of one another black and white, male and female, gay and straight, rich and poor. In other words, as St. Paul saw so well, the answer is love, and when we enter into one another's joys and griefs, we cannot help but shift accordingly, we cannot help but begin to love. We cannot help but see a flesh and blood sister or brother before us worthy of being built up, in need of neighbor care, worthy of being set free (think Onesimus)...


In bearing up one another, let us remember lutherpunk and his family during this time of grieving.


lux Christi vobis,
*Christopher
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Saturday, August 27, 2005

Impure Thoughts?

This week has been incredibly hectic as I transition out of one position and into another, though getting to redecorate the office at my new position has been fun. I wanted to set a space where freaked-out students would be able to sit, relax, take a breath. Of course, that begins by my starting my morning in the office with 20 minutes of prayer and meditation.

I also started counseling psychology classes this week. The first prof reminds me of the classic caricature of a Bay Area therapist (we all know the picture). Frizzed hair, speaks a lot about energy, wears hippy clothing. The second prof is a gay man, spoke a lot about compassion, spirituality, suffering, that psychopathology is on a continuum and to some degree we are all mental (don't I know). I like him already. Healthy perspectives. The third prof is a psychologist and he's just sending his 17 year old off to college. He also comes from a working poor, blue collar background like myself and emphasizes how contextual differences affect development. He's also a gay parent. I also suspect, given his positive assessment of religious faith, that he might be Christian, as he doesn't answer correspondence on Sundays. It was interesting having bits of myself mirrored back in the classroom. That's a first. He's also incredibly attractive in a balding intellectual kind of way...intelligence is so sexy!

And I take my third exam in two weeks...

Well, now to the point of this post. Today, I ventured out this afternoon to buy my textbooks. I also stopped off at the nearby mall to pick up a cd by The Cure on Derek and lutherpunk's (prayers ascend) recommendations. I'll be ordering J-Tron's recommendation of Queer hiphop this week.

Well, while picking out some bits and pieces to send off to some friends this week, the young woman checking me out was well *checking me out* and being none to subtle about it. She was a beautiful young woman. Long black hair. Italian, aquiline features. Black dress with a slit to expose her cleavage ever so elegantly. On the one hand I appreciate the extra friendly service. On the other hand, I've been more than once asked for a phone number or asked on a date in such situations. I always fumble about for some way to handle the situation with finesse without 1) hurting her feelings, 2) not leading her on, 3) not overexposing myself. Saying, "Sorry! I'm gay and married to a man" is kind of rough. Saying nothing is rude. A "Thank you but I'm not interested" is also harsh--though true. So, I usually go with the "Thank you but I'm seeing someone at the moment" bit and graciously refuse to accept numbers or offers. Other thoughts?

Then, as I strolled about the mall, a place I rarely visit, hence the strolling, I spied half naked boys advertising the merchandise at Abercrombie & Fitch. I was very tempted to go in. Instead, I lingered across the way, probably with drool slopping down the sides of my mouth as these young men caroused topless at the front of the store plying their wares. (Certainly if one of them had offered their number, I'd been more hardpressed to refuse...) These boys were clearly marketing more than the merchandise. They were the merchandise in none to subtle a way screaming, "Buy me!" And Abercrombie & Fitch was their pimp.



Now I don't know about you, but one of my friends at the Catholic house where I lived during my final year of university, those would be some of the straight boys that kept me from self-destructing, received an A&F catalog. The first time I happened upon it, with half naked boys wrestling on nearly every page, I thought I'd died and gone to heaven. Soft core, homoerotic, a little time alone, that's all I'm sayin'.



Which returns me to my earlier ponderings about what Derek lovingly named as an inconsistency in my values (one he rightly, along with Pope St. Gregory, would let lie in tension until resolution within the culture under evangelization could be found in Christ) as made obvious in the juxaposition of church paraphenalia, erotic holy icons (and for a gay guy like myself, the icon of Ss. Sergius and Bacchus is highly erotic and holy--I think Lentz did this purposely), and the everyday soft core hunk-of-the-day. Not to mention my contrasting thoughts on pornography versus some of my actual verbal behavior and images on my sidebar. But, I've let them remain thus far as I ponder, pray, wonder, enjoy!



So given my little adventure today, I've been thinking about body imagery amongst gay men and how we sell ourselves. Last week, I read the story of a gay guy friend of mine at my parish. As newcomers, we have been submitting our faith stories as part of a series in the newsletter. I learned he has an eating disorder. That gave me pause. So much of the imagery in A&F catalogs, hunk of the days, etc. are of nearly fatless guys, cut, ripped, hairless, stereotypically beautiful.

Of course, there are exceptions. The calendar next to my bed is of more filled out, hairy, leather men resting under my St. Christopher medal (again that juxtaposition). Perhaps, a more rounded view on the glories of the male body is in order? Why not give thanks and praise in my sidebar for bear bodies, chub bodies, cub bodies, bodies with disablities, black bodies, brown bodies...? All variety of male human beings?

And perhaps, my juxtaposition suggests that we Christians are still wrestling with how to deal with holiness and eros? That my inconsistency and wrestling are just more upfront and honest? That I recognize, as Bill Countryman points out in his newly published wonderful little libellus, Love: Reflections on Love, Sexuality, and Friendship, that eros is a part of the Christian spiritual life and attempts to merely cut that out often fail beyond a particular person or circumstance and produce spiritualities wholly inconsistent with a faith that proclaims the Word Incarnate:

The inquisitor who burns you at the stake for your own good, the moralist who represses your gifts and your loves out of what he pretends to be love for you--both of these and their victims are casualties of our warfare against our own finitude and against the eros by which we transcend it. They care only for universal principles; they know nothing of real human connection. If they could say love with Traherne, "I was once a stranger to it, now I am familiar with it as daily acquainance," they would abandon their careers with tears of repentance. As it stands, they make a hell all around themselves." (54)


(That has always been my response to those who tell me I'm going to hell, by the way: "It seems to me, you're already there." Such people are often so miserable to be around that the air literally crackles with their fear. Just as well, "love the sinner, hate the sin" responses always remains at "sinner and sin and hate". A human being, flesh and blood, never really figures into the mix because if she or he were human, the one spouting off such words would find themselves noticing that they too are sinners and adjust their self-righteous moralizing accordingly. They might even find themselves liking the other before them. As it is, it is clear their care is more about themselves than about the other. And hence, the felt experience of hell by those on the receiving end. And we queer folk bear many burdens of projected shadows on gender and sexuality, often in the name of Christian righteousness. But I digress. More on this topic later.)

I for one, find eros and holiness inseparable. But that is partially because my relationship with Jesus Christ has a certain male homosexual tinge to it. The G-d I know is a passionate G-d, but perfectly so, a compassion with particular desire for each of us and a compassion that desires all of us as particular human beings. Unlike G-d, I am finite and I come to a greater understanding of His all-embracing compassion through flesh and blood in community. I come to love G-d through particulars: human, animal, plant, and otherwise.

I cannot simply embibe the American "Jesus and me" mentality that is all spirit and no flesh, all love of self (disguised as Jesus) with too little love of neighbor (in whom Jesus goes unrecognized). Jesus said it best: "Love the Lord your God with all your being, and love your neighbor as yourself." These Two Great Commandments are inseparable in any true Christian spirituality. So the desire for the particular, eros, cannot simply be cut out if we're to grow blessedly (and not hellishly) in compassion for all beings. Even monks and nuns, even hermits and anchorites, meet and love, perhaps more so, human beings as particular persons in all of their complexities. To do otherwise tends toward Docetism.

Now on the other hand I wonder, if I were to encounter women topless at the front door of say, Victoria Secret, how I might respond differently? I wouldn't be sexually aroused. I'd probably be angered that women were being exploited sexually to sell some exploitative clothing made by underpaid workers in some underdeveloped country. I would see them more as persons with minds and talents and stories and that this wasn't doing justice to them as full human beings. So I have to ask myself, if I'd be outraged given those circumstances, why am I not so similarly stirred by the male hotties at A&F? Or if I can write reams on the exploitation of women in Cosmo et al and the negative body images that many of my women friends have dealt with or deal with because of such mags, why do I apply a different standard to the treatment of men?

My own sexism? Most likely. My not being aroused sexually by women? Certainly. And maybe, admittedly, to some degree, I've let my little head lead my head and heart on such matters? It's so easy to slip from eros-seeking-relationship with particular human persons (especially when they're half naked) to seeing the other as a mere object for my possession be it physically or mentally, especially on the screen or page...What the Tradition names as the deadly sin of Lust.

On the other hand I refuse to cut eros out. The Rule of St. Benedict teaches moderation and balance and permeable boundaries and ordering our desires to the glory of G-d. So, cutting out eros is not the answer. After all the most catholic parts of our faith simply drip with the flesh.

What I do know is that I'm not any longer beating up on myself about this inconsistency. Instead, I'm asking questions that too many Christians refuse to undertake with honesty beyond mere moralizing, simple prudery, libertine licentiousness, or easy either/or dichotomies. Our Anglican Christianity, after all, is one that doesn't allow easily for such separations. Ours is a way through the sticky flesh, not apart and away from it. Here's to my continue search for a via media as a gay Anglican Christian. May others travel with me in support and challenge on the way...

More Thoughts to Come: Freedom?



All images from Abercrombie & Fitch catalogs (no I don't own any personally, though you can purchase unopened versions at e-bay).
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Remaking Queer Hollywood

About thrice a year I purchase an issue of The Advocate, that gay (male) mag that often mixes interesting stories with hot ads. And here in the Bay, I was delighted last Thursday to discover The Advocate hanging out at the checkout stands next to Martha Stewart Living and Family Circle at my neighborhood Safeway (No, not the Safeway in the Castro!), so I scooped up the latest copy for the sheer novelty of that discovery alone.

Chad Allen is the feature. I don't know if any of you remember Chad Allen? He played in Our House and Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. Our House was a fav of mine growing up partially because of Chad Allen. Being a boi my own age, I had a crush on him, I admit. Only later, in the 90's was he cruelly outed for all of the tabloids to feast upon.

Since then, Allen has begun a production company working on doing lgbt films and television series that feature queer folk in a more multidimensional light. We're not just about hopping in bed!

In his latest interview, Allen speaks of playing partnered P.I. Donald Strachey on Here TV's Third Man Out. The goal is a series of such made-for-tv movies.

Richard Stevenson penned the popular novel series upon which the films will be based beginning in 1991. And you can be sure, just as I'm a lover of Laurie R. King's Kate Martinelli series about a lesbian cop in SF (one of which features the Church Divinity School of the Pacific--the Episcopal seminary in Berkeley from which Ms. King graduated) and of Michael Nava's Henry Rios series about a gay Latino lawyer in L.A., I'll be checking out this series.

At any rate, Allen says of his character, "Donald was a great character, a detective in the classic sense of an old-school private eye detective....And that's what Donald is--and he's gay. We get to make this fun movie with all those classic elements, like Columbo or even the noir films from the 40's, but our character gets to go home and get into be with a man. One of our major goals was to create a really powerful, loving gay relationship that hasn't really been done in television. Donald doesn't have his life together. I think he's good at what he does, but without his partner he would probably fall apart. They are a team, in a classic way like the Nick and Nore series and those old noir detective films....It was the thing that I liked more than anything else about the series...that relationship is what made me decide ultimately to do it....We don't have enough examples of committed, loving gay relationships that work out there....I struggled for a long time with understanding that my sexuality was good, and I want beautiful, positive representations of gay male sexuality out there. So it was very important to the director and me to make a really good sex scene that wasn't gratuitous or gross but was healthy, sexy, and beautiful."


P.I. Strachey dancing with his partner

I'm also looking forward to the December on-screen release of Brokeback Mountain, the story of two Wyoming cowboys and their love for one another. Directed by Ang Lee and starring
Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger, based on a short story by E. Annie Proulx with screen play by Lonesome Dove's Larry McMurtry, this should be quite a love story. Shitkickin' and all.

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Friday, August 26, 2005

Why *?

I've been asked more than once, Why *? The asterisk comes from the Latin astrum or star. Fr. Edward Hays gave me the idea in his work, Psalms for Zero Gravity: Prayers for Life's Emigrants.

The * and similar symbols were once used as a symbol of the sun, but Fr. Hays redirects this symbol, noting that many bishops and priests sign themselves with a cross + before or after their name respectively, so why not as a baptized Christian sign myself with another symbol of the Son, the Light of the World? After all, in official Church correspondance, I always sign myself, "the Baptized".

So when I sign my name *Christopher, I mark myself as one who follows the Light of the World, Jesus Christ. And as one who practices an ancient tradition of Christian prayer, the Jesus Prayer, the prayer tradition concerned with seeing the Face of G-d and Living (though always dying), of relaxing into the purifying Fire of G-d within each of us, His holy temples.

lux Christi vobis,
*Christopher
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Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Prayer of the Heart



Hagia Hesychia (Holy Silence) by Fr. William McNichols

At present I am beginning preparations to write an icon of Holy Silence, so in the midst of so many transitions, I have begun prayer and moderate fasting to prepare the way. Icon writing is prayer, and making preparation to write the Gospel visibly is a vital and necessary part of the process.

Part of my practice since I was 18 has been a daily (or near daily) routine of at least 20 minutes of Jesus Prayer meditation. I discovered this practice while reading books on Eastern Christianity. Icons and the Jesus Prayer were those things that most attracted me to the liturgical traditions, and I can say my tastes haven't changed, though my repertoire has expanded.

This tradition is quite ancient, going back at least to the time of the Desert Ammas and Abbas. And of course, praying with a word not only has precedents in Judaism, but other forms exist within Christianity as well: Centering Prayer as taught by Fr. Thomas Keating, OSCO, Christian Meditation as taught by the late Fr. John Main, OSB.

There are several versions of the Jesus Prayer:

"Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner."

"Lord, have mercy."

Abba Isaac of Ninevah once said, "My prayer has become simply "Jesus", that Name sums up everything."

Overtime my prayer has become simply "Jesus".

Coming Out to G-d

My coming out to G-d happened while praying the Jesus Prayer. I've told this story before, but I'll relate it again building on my last bit about having gone to Confession which was previous to this (it would seem Confession has played more of a role in the process than I've realized until this moment). I had dimmed the lights. The candles were burning on the altar in my beautiful corner where icons and statues, Holy Writ and rosary all lay upon purple velvet. I sat in my easy chair. And I began to meditate. I had recently come out to my priest in Confession (this time my own pastor, not one on the circuit). He'd given me Psalm 139 to recite as a penance. I relaxed into G-d's Presence and as sometimes happens G-d's grace leads us into contemplation. I was deep in prayer beyond thought. And then I heard the Voice, "You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free." I was shocked and shaken to tears. I knew in that moment, I was loved as I am...that was the truth, and living into that truth has been a greater part of my struggle. A struggle we all deal with in our own ways, but one that coming out brings to the fore because you can't deny that the struggle exists.

Pray Without Ceasing

The point of the Jesus Prayer is to let the prayer seep into the very rhythm of your heart and mind and body, so that your very life in the flesh breathes Jesus. When I rest my mind in my heart, the Name "Jesus" pumps with my blood. This is how the hesychasts, those who seek Holy Silence came and come to pray without ceasing as St. Paul enjoined:


1) Set the space
-perhaps have an icon or statue
-light a candle
-make the Sign of the Cross
-bow
-if you wish very soft chant on cd may be useful

2) Sit
-there is no one correct way to sit
-I sit upright,usually with my legs crossed at the ankles (it supports my back which has a tendency to go out), my hands held together interlaced, and my head chin down toward my breast

3) Breathe
-take some deep breaths

4) Prepare
-in your breathing slowly bring your mind into your heart

5) Pray
-breath in saying in you mind "Je-"
-breathe out saying "sus"

You of course can use a longer form of the prayer, but this is the form I use.


May Christ find you in your comings and in your goings, in your wakings and in your sleep.

lux Christi vobis (The Light of Christ be with you all),
*Christopher
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Family Values?: These Our Little Ones

I just read Derek's post on the current struggles facing his household. I perhaps should be the last sort and condition of person to be offering any thoughts. But gender issues and issues of sexual orientation are interwoven, and discrimination against women often comes hand in hand with discrimination against queer folk. And besides, I consider Derek a friend, though we've never met, and I wish that we could offer more in the way of support than we can.

So when my brother in Christ grieves this state of affairs in the Church while rejoicing in the gift of another child, I grieve and rejoice with him. And I'm pissed that this will likely affect his wife's chances at finding a position. I cannot relate firsthand to her and their struggles, but I can relate their struggles through our own. My BF was turned down at many a church because his being partnered is pretty much an open secret. Too many times we learned through the grapevine he'd not gotten a position because of his orientation and relational status.

And the bullshit excuses muttered (which Derek points out): "not enough experience", "not a good fit", "we're a family parish"...That hurts. As if we're not family!

At least be honest, "We don't want a woman because she might get pregnant!" "Pregnancy and children are not gifts to be rejoiced in (despite our rhetoric) but things to be avoided because we might have to give some leave time and pay!" Take that little piece of honesty to the wife all you married male bishops! priests! G-d! There is nothing more that I hate than dishonesty with a smile. Or using G-d to cover over nastiness and unGospel values.

And who does this hurt most? Derek and M's children! The least of these. Jesus has something to say about that: Better to put a stone around you neck and be cast into the sea!

Now how about them family values...!



The Words of Mary Proto-Priest

Magnificat anima mea Dominum;
Et exultavit spiritus meus in Deo salutari meo,
Quia respexit humilitatem ancillae suae; ecce enim ex hoc beatam me dicent omnes generationes.
Quia fecit mihi magna qui potens est, et sanctum nomen ejus,
Et misericordia ejus a progenie in progenies timentibus eum.
Fecit potentiam brachio suo;
Dispersit superbos mente cordis sui.
Deposuit potentes de sede, et exaltavit humiles.
Esurientes implevit bonis, et divites dimisit inanes.
Sucepit Israel, puerum suum, recordatus misericordiae suae,
Sicut locutus est ad patres nostros, Abraham et semeni ejus in saecula.



Holy Father, Giver of life,
in heaven you established the serried ranks
of angels and archangels
to celebrate your glory.
As we prepare to welcome new life into the human family,
may the angels surround and assist us
to serve and glorify your goodness
for all glory, honor, and worship are your due,
now and forever. Amen.


(adapted from A Book of Prayer for Gay and Lesbian Christians by William G. Storey)
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Monday, August 22, 2005

Friendships and Genderfucking: Homosociality



"Anyone who thinks of homosexual “love” is our enemy. We reject anything which emasculates our people and makes it a plaything for our enemies, for we know that life is fight, and it is madness to think that men will ever embrace fraternally"
(Heinrich Himmler, 14 May 1928)


"The ability of eros to connect people with one another isn't limited by one's sexual orientation....The attractions of friendship may be as strong as the attractions of sex, and indeed if a sexual attraction is going to stay strong it usually needs some of the attraction of friendship to go along with it" (Gifted by Otherness, 81)


In this shorter post, I don’t go into the much commented upon gay male/heterosexual female friendships (which are almost a caricature as in "Will and Grace"), which play an immense part in many gay male lives, and I suspect play a mediating function between the genders, especially in a society with hardened gender roles and notions about gender.

I may not know how to get a woman off, but I do know how to pay attention to women in ways women want to be paid attention to, how to enter the worlds of women in ways often closed off to straight men. That can be as simple as helping with the Thanksgiving dinner preparations while the men are watching football on tv (It really is no wonder, I must say, why so many women hate holidays!). And this has not only been a part of my world since I was a very young boi, this has become an ability to transgress such boundaries. And those transgressions of gendertyping have benefitted straight female friends in their dealings with straight men and in advising some of my more, shall we say, challenged, straight male friends in their relationships with women. I suspect lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered folk also experience such mediative relationships.

Here I’m interested in homosociality because this is where genderfucking and genderbending are more accentuated and less commented upon. Remember that genderfucking while about performance is also about a questioning and transgressing of the gender roles we perform in lieu of being more ourselves. Hugo has written an exploratory piece on this as well.

Homosociality

Nimmons notes that Dr. Peter Nardi’s work in Gay Men’s Friendships: Invincible Communities suggests in our patterns of relating, “we are exceptions to what philosopher Marilyn Friedman calls ‘the pattern of non-communicativeness’ that often characterizes men’s relationships….Nardi cites psychologist Beverly Behr, who bluntly states: ‘Overall the evidence suggests that men’s relationships are less intimate than women’s. Men are less intimate in their friendships because they choose to be, even though they may not particularly like it.’ Says Mark Fisher, a gay architect: ‘As gay men, we’re much luckier; we have real friends.” (116-117)

Now, having straight guys as friends, I think these folks overstate their case. I don’t think that’s the final chapter in the story at all. After all, if this our queerness is a gift, as Christians it is not just for us; we’re bound to offer it back in thanksgiving to the glory of G-d for the upbuilding of the community.

Bill Countryman writes in Gifted by Otherness, "I don't believe the thinking and experience of gay men has been as centrally useful to heterosexual men. But our culture may yet find it helpful for developing models of manhood that do not depend on assuming that women are followers or that other men are always and only competitors. Those images of heterosexual masculinity have long since become destructive in the world." (Gifted by Otherness, 144)

In my own interactions with my straight guy friends over time, I’ve observed that my expressed affection for and attraction to men, while certainly something we’ve all had to work through, has produced a most delicious fruit. A startling phenomenon. And I doubt it’s unusual.

In fact, I suspect it will become more common. Among us, there is a growing freedom in our interactions for intimacy as men across affectional lines, which has been a boon in their relationships with their girlfriends and wives, and children, as well, and in my own relationships with my partner and especially in being more accepting of myself as a man-loving-man. Jammie Price's work, Navigating Differences: Friendships Between Gay and Straight Men looks promising in exploring this line of thinking further (I'll keep you posted).

Countryman writes further, "The important thing on both sides is that we love people of our own gender....But even if it is erotic drive, it is not limited to genital expression; often it doesn't even seek genital expression. Love is much broader than that. Love can never be simply confined to the genitals. I suspect there is an erotic tinge in my friendships with straight men. It doesn't mean that I want to get them in bed. I does meant that I pay attention to them in ways that they may very well not be able to pay attention to each other. That's just how I'm focused." (Gifted by Otherness, 145) [bold mine]

Exactly. A certain eros does attend my friendships with men gay or straight, that while not absent from my relationships with women, is attuned quite differently. As Maurice concludes in E.M. Forster's late novel, he "would not--and this was the test--pretend to care about women when the only sex that attracted him was his own. He loved men and always had loved them. He longed to embrace them and mingle his being with theirs." Now certainly, I care about women, but the mingling, that deliciousness of friendship takes different shape with men, gay or straight or bisexual. Sexual and not. And that, of course, has been a cause for anxiety or worse at times.

But while my homosexuality/homoaffectionality initially produced anxieties and worries and even distance, given that we had to work out what it meant to be varieties of men complementary but also other, the end result has been greater affection and intimacy, as if my being gay provided the space or the permission for them to show other sides of heterosexual maleness that many men hide for fear of being “outed”. In other words, we've learned to attend more closely to one another as men.

As if they could be more themselves rather than the gender-stereotypes we’ve all been raise to emulate as “what real men are”. Even once or twice, when I was the one left out at an opposite-sex dance club, one of them would take me out on the dance floor without any sense of embarassment or fear of being perceived as gay themselves. These brothers had lost their fear of being outed! And in losing that fear, they became free to be N or N or N.

Or, in a more negative episode, going to a stripclub for a bachelor's outing before marriage the next day, in which I found myself pointing out what I found degrading in the whole affair, which shifted their own perceptions about what they were doing. And they of course could say the same for me, I'm sure, had they accompanied me to a male strip club.

What that means in turn for me as a gay man is asking who am I, not just gay or male, but who is *Christopher just as my homosexuality has pushed my brothers to ask who is N beyond the easy gendered answers of our culture? That is ultimately the question that arises underneath the uncertainties, fears, hesitances, and embraces. Certainly, I am socialized in at least three cultural worlds, and we are who we are in relationships. But as Christians, our grounding relationship is with G-d, who speaks us each to become uniquely an image in a multiversant community--the Body of Christ. A certain contemplative ascesis is required (though the form will vary).

As I’ve said before, we are most fully ourselves the more we’re in G-d. So, do I take on the gay cultural bits just because that’s what gay means rather than that’s what *Christopher enjoys, wishes to be, is called to become? This can be as silly as musicals. I HATE musicals. Except “Naked Boys” for obvious reasons… Do I just go along? Pretend I like "The Sound of Music"? Or this can be as serious as how to order my desires and affections. In which case an intersection of cultural bits comes into play, but most importantly, following Jesus Christ takes center stage. And that following, I must say, with some great love in my heart, has been helped along by having straight male Christian friends who were my primary interlocutors and supporters in coming out as I went about my explorations. Their community as fellow members of the Body kept me from making too many self-destructive choices...and I helped them do the same.

So in all of this I see glimpses of a homosociality (which Countryman hints at) that liberates us all as men to be more ourselves as human beings, you might even say an eschatological vision that rebukes Himmler's own demonic prophesying, in which men are showing greater tenderness, finding our sense of masculinity in something other than over-against-ness either to women or to gay men or the feminine or to straight men, calling one another to accountability in our relationships and lives (a truly brotherly caring and forthrightness—some of this can be seen even in some internet interactions we've had here), channeling our competitiveness in upbuilding cooperative ways, serving one another and our companions and children and communities in Christ.
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Updates...

1) I promised lutherpunk (see his blog for some happy news!) I would start with exegeses of the Union Rites I posted as resources. I will start that soon. To be fair, I will also exegete the rite I proposed (with revisions).

2) I still am finishing up another post on Friendships and Genderfucking.

3) And I'm halfway through a post commenting on Fr. Mark Harris' article, "Some Thoughts on Sex, Marriage, and Sin" which uses Holy William Stringfellow. J.C. mentioned in commenting that his pov comes close to my own. In some ways it does, but I want to tease out the sacramental aspect of Stringfellow more thoroughly--he doesn't bifurcate sacred and secular, and this is important to understanding his thinking. In my questioning here, perhaps I haven't been clear about my own sexual ethics and what actually grounds my thinking. I hope I have not scandalized or led other astray. Both J-Tron and Anglican Scottist raised questions that a little more work with Stringfellow can help address. Where Fr. Mark and I intersect is pastoral care. Where we may differ is that I do ask questions that would be concerned with the direction a relationship is taking: "Where is this going?" On the otherhand, given that I am technically not married either in the eyes of the Church or in the eyes of the state, I am in the eyes of many of my fellow humans having sex outside of marriage. Quibble about "before the eyes of G-d" all you want, my relationship is often treated either to being thought of as a marriage or thought of as a tryst. And that informs how I go about addressing premarital sex. Extramarital sex, however, I tend to get pigheaded about. Promises. Promises!

I am perusing through William G. Storey's A Book of Prayer for Gay and Lesbian Christians. Any pastor who cares for lgbt folk should have this at the ready. Just excellent. I found myself bundled in tears of sorrow, release, joy, and jubilation all at the same time.

The back of the book reads:

When Thomas Cranmer was creating The Book of Common Prayer--the first official prayer book in English--he drew heavily from the Latin missal of his day. Like Cranmer, Bill Storey faithfully charts new territory in his comprehensive Book of Prayer for Gay and Lesbian Christians. Rich in tradition, yet on the cutting edge, this book of prayers and rites is sure to be the gold standard for liturgical renewal for years to come.


I would generally concur. Storey's Medieval background enriches this gift of and to lgbt Christians drawing heavily upon the Psalter, traditional prayers by various saints, and ordos to make way for rites that honor the passages of our lgbt lives in Christ.

Here is one such prayer, a perfect preparation for the lgbt Christian who is praying for a partner (this btw has congruences in some traditional Irish prayers for praying for spouse whereby the couple is bound together by the third party, G-d), is dating as a reflection on ordering her or his life with regard to sex and relationship, or for a couple as they prepare to delight in one another, giving thanks to G-d in all things as 1 Timothy 4 calls us to so do:

Heavenly Father,
from the very beginning
you created human beings to discover love
and to express it in creative unions
of affection and mutual service.
Your mystery of love is reflected
in our faithful love for one another.
Help us to prepare seriously for such a blessing.
Give us sensitive hearts, discerning minds, and ready wills,
eager to serve you and to discover the truth of one another.
Nourish our burgeoning sexuality
and direct it to good and honorable ends
worthy to be offered to you honestly and without shame.
Unite us before your altar, feed us with your body and blood,
and become the common center of our hearts and homes. Amen.


I love how the prayer situates sexuality and relationship within the eucharistic context...the very nourishment of our lives, of any potential relationship, and of relationships already vowed. By doing so, this prayer keeps G-d at the center and directs our sexuality and relationships toward ascesis and cultivation of the virtues.
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Saturday, August 20, 2005

Holy Oblations: Of Eunuchs and Eschatological Community

At our oblate meetings, since the Feast of St. Benedict last month, we've been sharing reflections on how the Rule engages us in our everyday lives. Here is part of my reflection from this morning.

In Chapter 59 of the Rule, Father Benedict instructs us regarding the offering of children to the monastery:

If a member of the nobility offers a child to God in the monastery, and the child is too young, the parents draw up the document which we mentioned above; and at the presentation of the gifts, they wrap the document itself and the child’s hand in the altar cloth. That is how they make their offering. As to their property, they either make a sworn promise in this document that they will never personally, never through an intermediary, nor in any way at all, nor at any time, give the child anything or afford the child the opportunity to possess anything; or else, if they are unwilling to do this and still wish to win their reward for making an offering to the monastery, they make a formal donation of the property that they want to give to the monastery, keeping the revenue for themselves, should they so desire. This ought to leave no way open for the child to entertain any expectations that could deceive and lead to ruin. May God forbid this, but we have learned from experience that it can happen. Poor people do the same, but those who have nothing at all simply write the document and, in the presence of witnesses, offer their child with gifts.

The dedication of a child to a monastery was often a meritorious occasion for the nobility, an occasion for prayer, property bestowal, and an “in” with God and the monastic community. Holy Benedict seeks to limit the hands of noble parents in the dealings of the monastery by ensuring that the child and property given are indeed gifts and not a means to have one’s hand in the affairs of the community or to turn children over to monastic care and vocation only to disrupt their formation at a whim.

For many poor people of Holy Benedict and Scholastica’s day, though, the reality of feeding yet another mouth weighed heavily when most could at best afford just enough daily bread to get by, perhaps a loaf. Infanticide was practiced sometimes out of sheer desperation, leaving a newborn on the side of the road or in the field. Social webs of support were rare. Monastic communities stepped into such a reality, providing ways to ameliorate these harsh realities of the Roman world by providing food at times, or clothing, or the possibility of offering a child for whom care wasn’t possible as a holy oblation, a eucharistic gift to a monastery. In the monastery, these parents knew that at least their child would receive regular meals, a decent bed, adequate clothing, some education, and a community of support. Most importantly, monasteries were/are signs of the heavenly and eschatological community manifested presently in presence and meighbor care.

In our day, as in every age, many children for a variety of reasons go unwanted or unprovided for, are raised in hostile environments, unloved, or die young. Our social webs are constantly threatened, many cannot afford another mouth, our individualism has pushed hospitality and neighbor care to the sidelines on a global scale. Even our churches pay more lipservice to the needs of these little ones than do actual practice.

On my weblog, Bending the Rule, dedicated to reflection on Benedict’s Rule, practicing faith as an Anglican Christian, and living as a partnered gay man, I have come to know and even "parent" or befriend some of these our "children": Gay and lesbian young people, in their teens and twenties, many having been thrown away by their parents and churches in word and deed as God’s garbage.

Young people honest enough with themselves that no amount of sweet words addressed to anyone and everyone but themselves, or if so addressed, addressed at them, not conversant with them, by church officials will cover over the underlying message of “God loves you. It’d be better off for all of us if you were dead”.

Some live in fear of discovery. Some have lost family and friends. Some are just coming out. Some have found a first love. Some are looking for spiritual practices. Most struggle with what to do with church. Many have given up on God. And then they happen upon my blogspot.

I receive e-mails from these our young people that few bishops, priests, pastors, and the like could answer lovingly with a word toward living life. From young people whom such officials cannot truly give thanks for as God’s good gifts. I never set out to blog as a ministry, but that is what this has become (and others have helped me recognize that this was the case). A bit of monastic life on the internet, and these young people stumble to the door, hungry, thirsty, tired, beaten, battered, bruised, their parents and churches having offered them up to the dogs, to the streets, to self-loathing, to isolation, to suicidal spirits, to gods of death, to Molech. Being too poor in God’s love, these parents and churches toss out these ones in ways great and small. And these young people find me here. I take them in, and offer words of thanksgiving and praise for their lives as holy oblations, gifts of and to God. I give them prayers to pray that honor themselves as gay and lesbian gifts of God. Sometimes, my partner and I offer financial support to get one or another out of a tough situation. But mostly, I offer words of love and encouragement and friendship and blessing.

....

I never thought we would have children. But, now I only just glimpse on pilgrimage with Holy Benedict’s Rule, God will bless us with many. This is just a beginning; I envision a place dedicated to their healing and support on the journey, a place that can greet them as Christ and offer them up as holy oblations. Indeed, as God promises in the Prophet Isaiah, let not the eunuch say, “I am just a dry tree.”*


Almighty and everlasting God, whose precepts are the wisdom of a loving Father: Give us grace following the teaching and example of thy servant Benedict, to walk with loving and willing hearts in the school of the Lord's service; let thine ears be open unto our prayers; and prosper with thy blessing the work of our hands; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who liveth and reigneth with thee and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.

*Eunuchs broadly speaking are unable to in any sense be saved through having offspring, similar to monastics, yet we can take assurance in G-d's promises, knowing that we too can be signs of the eschatological community in lives lived oriented toward G-d and neighbor. Indeed we point toward the theological truth that no matter our state in life, our salvation, our continuity as those tending-toward-personhood, is in the LORD, and our state in life is our ascesis and cultivation of the virtues.

***********************************************************

If you need someone to talk to, to share your story with, to hear a kind word from, or to pray with, you can email *Christopher.

The Lord bless you and keep you.
The Lord make his face to shine upon you
and be gracious to you.
The Lord look upon you with favor, + and give you peace.
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Friday, August 19, 2005

Friday Baby Blogging...

I told you, I was going to be one of those uncles...prepare yourself for the full-on wallet ensemble (not really):



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Thursday, August 18, 2005

Coming Out Straight

No it’s not what you think! Melancthon and I had a rant about his parish and what to do. After my rant and rave, vetching a bit about the ELCA, he asked for some practical thoughts about welcome. So I’m expanding my thoughts here.

Melancthon writes,

One thing you've made clear is that I shouldn't ask for "welcome" until it really means "welcome." Believe me, I'm clear as to what acceptance really means, and I would welcome you as an equal among beloved, not an equal among sinners. I have a dream that our whole congregation could be like that, but maybe not yet.

Our pastor gets uncomfortable having to tell someone their shoe is untied, so I can't imagine he would cause the kind of damage you describe, but you did make clear to me that he wouldn't be able to offer the kind of support necessary.

But here are the concerns I'm left with, and I present these as dilemmas on which I'd like your input, not as articles for debate.

1. How many congregations can we give away? Aside from my own personal reluctance to leave a church where I have some roots, I am also reluctant to just throw up my hands and leave the church to the conservatives. It's the old question of whether it is sufficient for me to not involve myself in injustice (leaving the church), or whether I am called to resist injustice wherever I find it (staying and working for change). I really don't know the answer.

2. GLBT folk don't just come into the Church from outside. This is, I think, a much more serious problem. We've got a large, and relatively young, congregation -- lots of families. Even if not a single gay person comes to our church because we've said we are "welcoming", there's a good chance that someone who's already in the church will struggle with their identity.


My reply was as follows:

1) I accept that I am an equal among sinners and among beloved. Living with a Lutheran has helped with that paradox. I just don't think my sin is primarily my homoaffectional/sexual friendship, though I sin in sex like everyone else. Frankly, it's not the primary locus of my sinning. But as a fellow sinner, I do need beloved community as well, I think we all do, and so...

Agreed. You can't just cede per se. And if G-d brings you gay people who wish to stay in your congregation. Good. But be clear with them upfront about where the parish is at. Don't candycoat or whatnot. I think so many liberals in their wish to see things better than they are candycoat and that does more harm than the conservatives who are upfront they don't want us there. I know this because this has often been my personal experience. The condescension and little heterosexist structural habits are often much worse than outright rejection. Outright rejection is obvious, whereas the others are harder to spot unless you're on the receiving end.

Were I to come to your parish, could you offer pockets of community within the parish where my partner and I would find support through smaller group meetings, house church, dinners together, prayer groups, an lgbt group? Or would we feel completely isolated? Or the poster child/token? To assuage our sense of guilt or pretend to be more than we are as a community. Bid to hide? Because I won't hide. I won't get in your face either (it's easier on the net, but I'm quite shy, and you really have to push to get me in your face), but if I wish to put my arm around my BF in Mass, I will (once he's completely out). If someone asks, we're partners or blest friends and a gay male couple. No lying. What is preached from the pulpit on the subject, if at all? Because I will walk out on nasty sermons. Is Eucharist open to us, or would we be refused? Because I will make a point about that with regards to 1 Cor. Could we serve in any way beyond the pew? We too have gifts and ministries; in order to offer these, will we have to be other than ourselves? These need to be stated up front to any out gay person who happens upon your parish. If you and others who are more accepting can provide pockets of love within the congregation, identify yourselves openly as such (with a small rainbow-cross pin or whatnot) that's a start, and a way to leaven toward justice (and also a way to help those queer folk in your community already). And I might even consider joining knowing that I won't be completely isolated or abused or that others are in solidarity with me. If you cannot, be honest about that to any potential gay member. But in the mean time, no special plaques of welcome. Those indicate a congregation that has and is doing the work, and it doesn't sound like this one has.

Also, we are deserving and worthy of good pastoral care. Do you have alternatives to offer any potential queer member? Link them up with those in the area who supports lgbt folk? I'm sorry, but anyone who advocates a Word Alone position in my opinion has no business pastoring out and proud gay folk [or closeted ones for that matter]. I've seen the abuse such can render no matter how nice they are. In the pastoral care office a lot of power is wielded, and I for one am perfectly comfortable getting up and walking out with the comment, "I'm going to look for a pastor," but not all people have such inner strength... [we need to encourage folks to understand they always have the right to claim their dignity and walk out on abusive pastoral care]

2) You likely do have queer folk hiding in the congregation and some who are just discovering they're queer if you have lots of teens, so your presence and witness there is an alternative to the dominant pov at the parish (see remarks on identifying yourselves). My BF served in a parish as an intern where since then three teens have come out...so we're there, we're always there, so identifying yourselves as safe persons is important. You may save someone's life and not even know it until later...


Further Thoughts

Be honest with yourself about where your parish is at with regard to queer folk. Do not candycoat the reality. This is helpful for your own assessment and fair for any queer person who comes through the door and inquires. You may be so blessed that G-d brings you queer folk into your midst, but be honest about how they may be treated by the parish as a whole. And if the assessment is largely negative, find ways to offset any poor treatment they encounter by including them positively in other outlets in your homes, bible studies (many of us hunger for bible studies and whatnot), outings, conversations at coffee hour, in seating at worship. [at Newman, us queer folk and our supporters always sat together]

Just to make it clear, I go to a mostly lg parish, what is now being called culturally an “urban queer parish”. Now before we talk about ghettoization or separatism, remember, I have been bruised and battered enough by the Body, and I don’t apologize for worshipping in a place that is safe to just laud G-d with others (with no concern for my orientation and life) when the rest of the week may not be and most churches have not been, not to mention my present circumstances with the BF. Staying Episcopalian is enough, and I take seriously remaining part of a larger Body, as there are many straight people both in the blogosphere and in non-digital life that I care for a great deal. Besides, I’m very sacramental in orientation, and I cannot justify severing the Christological from the ecclesiological Body (more on that in a moment). Here is what I’ve come to expect in the 11 months I’ve been at St. John’s:

-liturgies devoted to remembering Matthew Shepard and Pride Sunday with a litany of Queer saints
-same sex couples counseling and blessings are available
-rites of healing dealing with queer issues are available
-I am not barred from serving in any position because of my orientation and chaste lifestyle
-issues of concern to queer folk are dealt with in sermons and in coffee hour conversation
-the priest inquires about my relationship and home life
-male and female couples hugging, holding hands, putting an arm around the other in worship, kissing sweetly (not full tongue—though we’d probably just go about our business) is a non-issue
-gender inclusive terminology is used in referring to couples, in asking questions, etc.

Most parishes are not quite so queer, and I don’t expect that they will be, but this is a measure by which to begin assessing where you own parish is in comparison when dealing with queer folk as we would wish to be treated, all things equal, simply as human beings. Many of the things above are taken for granted by straight people as just the way things are: saints and feasts that look like you, pastoral care and rites that address your needs, ability to serve in leadership as models in the community without question of whom you go to bed with each night, relationships considered by the pastor as important and worthy of inquiry, able to show affection in church, have your relationships acknowledged in the terminology used.

It is far easier to meet outright rejection than all of the subtle ways heterosexism weaves it way into our structural and interpersonal relating. Supporters so often candycoat the reality of their parish (or tradition) because they truly wish it better, when a little honesty goes a long way toward naming where things stand. At least then, your welcome is up front. You can tell your queer new comers, this is where we’re at, but we want to be better. You will find support among we who have decided contrary to this community’s point of view. Can you join us in the effort? Show us where we’re not there yet? And when G-d brings queer folk into your community, and let’s be clear, it is G-d who does so and G-d who welcomes them, you will be in a far better place to be community with them and welcome them as G-d has welcomed you as both beloved and sinner.

Welcome means what you can put in practice, not what you can put into words alone (pun intended). This means theology and spirituality are always political, meaning how we interact with one another and order our lives together is theological and spiritual. Theology and spirituality ground how we will interact with others, especially folks different than ourselves. If we are Christians, that starts with the revelation of Jesus Christ, the Golden Rule, and the dogma of the Holy Trinity amongst others.

Attempts to dislodge theology and spirituality from politics usually come from those who benefit from the present order of things be they liberal or conservative. We who are queer experience such attempts from both liberals and conservatives in different ways from time to time. Calls to be theological and non-political are often attempts (many times unconscious) to hide the fact that politics is going on under theological premises, and someone often is being crucified. Because theology and politics are after all inseparable. And someone is benefiting in such practices at the expense of someone else. A Word Alone stance is political every bit as much as a Reconciling in Christ stance is political as is a moderate stance or a goodsoil stance. Each affects bodies and the social body and says something about what we truly believe about G-d by how we treat one another. Each says something about the Christological body and the ecclesiological body (Christ and the Church) for they are not separable, as Paul makes so clear in 1 Corinthians. So, how does your parish discern the Body in the queer folk among you? How you answer that says a lot theologically and spiritually, and will likely show itself in how you interact—politically.

No Longer Passing: Marked as Christ’s Own

Perhaps, you are in a situation similar to Melancthon’s parish? How can supportive straight people identify themselves as such? How can you choose "not to pass", gay male parlance for being able to pass as being a straight man? How can you make it known to those hidden amongst you that not everyone thinks they’re G-d’s garbage? Those boys and girls just hitting puberty discovering they love other boys or girls? A rainbow-cross pin, perhaps? Other suggestions? Many of us queer folk are war weary and battle scarred if we’re still Christians. Honor that. Remember that in your welcome. By identifying yourself in some way publicly, and taking us in, even under your wing (we may need healing up or protection from time to time or backup), you put yourselves at risk. You may even take the brunt for us at times from some nasty remark or thumping tirade or the latest debate.

You then come out as being in solidarity with us, and you can feel privileged to take up a bit of the cross we carry. So what happens if a sermon attacking queer folk is delivered? If the queer folk walk out? Do you go with them? What happens if someone makes a vicious remark? Do you respond with words of Good News? What happens if the queer folk in your parish are refused Holy Communion? Do you refuse then to partake as well in a clear and public act of solidarity? Again, refusing Holy Communion is a political act every bit as much as wearing a rainbow sash is. And much queer-hating political acts by high religious authorities have been enacted to-date under the guise of non-politics and religion. But the truth is, these acts too are political, they say something about discerning the Body.

Are you up to that task? That ministry?

After all, given the increase in attacks on us both here and elsewhere (see the latest in Latvia at Thinking Anglicans or the latest in California at The Advocate), I would hope that some of our straight brothers and sisters would be willing to shoulder our cross at a time when we are clearly a scapegoat for larger communal problems. I am proud of my own tradition, ECUSA, for being willing to take on that burden despite a heavy cost to our polity and unity.

Bottom Line:

-be honest
-identify yourselves
-be supportive
-offer community
-be in solidarity
-love one another
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IPIP-NEO/Political Compass Meme

Nathan at Here I Stand memed me.

An interesting set of surveys. I couldn't figure out the Chris Lightfoot bit though. Anyway.

I can't say the results are surprising--to me! Highly introverted, yes, that's me.

Agreeable, sure, at least outwardly, though I'm sure the BF would disagree (our intimates see sides of us that others may never see and that's what makes them special, and well, saints).

High conscientousness. It did catch that I'm a slob though under orderliness. The BF would highly agree to that score. In fact, we were just discussing my bad habits. I love to play, but let's plan it out a bit (I'm low on adventurousness). Sex aside.

Neurotic, easily upset, emotional, and sensitive, definitely, "and I'd like to stay that way". This shouldn't come as any surprise to anyone who reads here or who knows me. Being neurotic is both a curse and a blessing, as we often feel things very deeply and that can help us help others. But couple that with intelligence, which, if I'm honest, I have more than my fair share, and as the BF says, "life is not always easy for people like you" (what he really means is "life isn't always easy living with people like you." LOL!) Meditation helps keep some modicum of balance, I might add, and that's why for me balance is a virtue that needs cultivating.

Open to new experiences, of course, just don't expect to see me bunjee jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge or hang-gliding anytime soon! Though someday, who knows?

As for politics, I fit on over there in the Nelson Mandela and Ghandi category, but I'm a hell of whole lot less evolved than these fine men were/are. No surprise that I'm a socialist leaning greenie with little use for authoritarian dicta. As I've said before, I would describe my politics as some form of Christian Socialism, American style.

- - - - - - - - - -

Overview: This post is a community experiment with two broad purposes. The first is to create publicly accessible data about bloggers' personalities, which may have sociological value in addition to being just plain fun. The second is to track the propagation of this meme through blogspace. Full details and explanation can be found on the original posting:

Instructions (to join in the experiment)

1) Take the IPIP-NEO personality test and the Political Compass quiz, if you have not done so already.

2) Copy to the clipboard that section of this post that is between the double lines, and paste it into your blog editor. (Blogger users may wish to use 'compose' mode to preserve formatting and hyperlinks. Otherwise, be sure to add hyperlinks as necessary.)

3) Replace the answers in the "survey" section below with your own.

4) Add your blog information to the "track list", in the form: "Linked title - URL - optional GUID".

5) Any additional comments should go outside of the double lines, including the (optional) nomination of bloggers you wish to pass this experimental meme on to.

6) Post it to your blog!

Survey:

Age: 31
Gender: Male
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Religion: Christian (Anglican)
Occupation: Education
Began blogging: (dd/mm/yy): 10/24/04

Political Compass results:

Left/Right: -7.50
Libertarian/Authoritarian: -6.10

IPIP-NEO results:

EXTRAVERSION: 10
AGREEABLENESS: 95
CONSCIENTIOUSNESS: 72
NEUROTICISM: 86
OPENNESS TO EXPERIENCE: 92

Track List:

1. Philosophy, et cetera - pixnaps.blogspot.com - pixnaps97a2
2. Parableman - parablemania.ektopos.com - p8r8bl9m8n18
3. Rebecca Writes - everydaymusings.blogspot.com
4. Ales Rarus - alesrarus.funkydung.com - ales2112avis
5. Here I Stand - exiledcatholic.blogspot.com - exiled323catholic
6. Bending the Rule - regula.blogspot.com - regulabenedicti

- - - - - - - - - -

Don't hate me to much. I left lots of folks for you to return the favor to, but I'm tagging the following people for this meme:

bls (The Topmost Apple)
lutherpunk (lutherpunk)
vaughn (ICTHUS)
karl (The Karl Show)
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Wednesday, August 17, 2005

I Come Bearing Good News...

"The glory of G-d is the human being fully alive." (St. Irenaeus of Lyons)

Over at J-Tron's The Propaganda Box, I wrote in response to bls' comments:

Nearly everyday, I receive heart wrenching e-mails (hence opening an e-mail account attached just to the blog) from young queer Christians who happen upon my blog. Many at their wits end. Many share their stories, their hurts, their loss of friends, family, faith, and I want to SCREAM and weep bitterly. Their story could be my story. They tell me I’m the first person they’ve ever happened upon who is both gay and Christian and honest about the struggles while offering hope in the struggles (Louie Crew did the same for me) that they too can be a queer Christian and lead a godfearing life. In some cases, I’ve offered financial assistance as the BF and I can. I keep their confidence, because obviously they have no one else to tell this to. I always leave them with some Good News:

G-d loves you as a queer person, and desires to be in relationship with you as an lgbt child of G-d. Jesus came for you in all that you are. The Holy Spirit dwells in you to help you become more your self. Recognizing you’re lgbt, coming out, is a part of your sanctification. I will keep you in my prayers.

Sometimes, they ask about sexual ethics. I offer the best I can. Promiscuity and flings are harmful to yourself. Holding off while dating is wise–you don’t know this person yet enough to know one another so intimately. Wait. Go slow. Sex is very intertwined with emotions and self-image and intimacy and bonding. I know that’s easier said than done, go slow, that is, and everybody’s doing it, but remember your body is a gift and G-d’s dwelling place. G-d wants the best for you, and the best for you if you’re calling is not to celibacy is committed union. That will likely be messy. We don’t have the same supports to do otherwise that straight people have, so commitment happens in stages. Love yourself. Pray. If you can, find a good priest/pastor or spiritual director who is positive toward being lgbt to be in conversation with as you make this journey in a relationship. If not, I’m here and I will do my best simply as a friend.


I repeat my words here for all who happen upon this blog this day. If you are coming out to yourself, to your family, to your friends, to a therapist, to a priest/pastor, to G-d, you are blessed this day. Today is a day of thanksgiving.

Stand up, lift your hands outstretched to G-d in heaven, and pray this prayer with me:

Blessed are you, O G-d of all creation,
through your goodness I have myself to offer,
whom you yourself have knit together,
in my mother's womb I was inwardly shaped;

I give you thanks through Jesus Christ, my Lord,
because I am fearfully and wonderfully made,
marvelous are the works of your hands,
and my body is not hidden from you,
for nothing disgusts you that you have made,
and I am counted among your children;

Blessed are you, O G-d who makes the night bright as day,
let your Holy Spirit lead me, rest upon me,
as I share what secretly you have written,
this mystery woven in depths of clay. Amen.


Fully Alive

I commend Nathan and others (some of whom I don't mention for their protection) for their efforts at bettering their health. Their sense of themselves seems tied to dealing more squarely their affectional orientation and taking risks to be more themselves.

I don't think this is an unusual or accidental shift. A healthy psychology and spirituality, at least from a Christian perspective, recognizes the interconnectedness of body, mind, spirit. Indeed, they are inseparable. And hence, also why theology and spirituality are always political. Theology and spirituality are always tied to the body and social body. To make a separation is a docetic move no orthodox Christian can contemplate without ramifications that often leave one or another member of the Body crucified.

I mentioned in a previous post on being a cub in gay-male body-type parlance (a cub is a gay man who is smaller, muscular but not cut or overly lean, somewhat stocky and hairy, sometimes the bottom in a bear relationship) and that coming out shifted my sense of bodiliness dramatically.

I have found that the more I deal honestly and straightforwardly with realities in life, the less likely I am 1) to eat to keep feelings and emotions down, 2) retain body weight, 3) to not exercise, 4) make unhealthy eating choices, 5) to not love my body as gift. Within five months of coming out, I had quit smoking, began exercising, eating more healthily, changed shape. I suspect the unhealthy habits and addictions of others have fallen away in such truthful moments as well. Most of all, I began to deal and to love life! and men!

That doesn't mean I didn't suffer, I did, but the suffering took on a cruciform shape that gave life. In the midst of great losses of friends, family, my own dreams (to be a monk, to not be homosexual), others' dreams for me (like producing grandchildren, being a good little gay Catholic boi), leaving the RCC, and even in the midst threats of violence physical/emotional/verbal, I knew that G-d was with me as I stepped out of the boat, especially as I suffered. And often, G-d was most with me through the loving care of sisters and brothers in Christ even when they didn't understand. This was a part of my journey, part of becoming more imago Dei, part of my sanctification--and theirs!

A priest, who knew me not from Adam, had a conversation with me in the confessional shortly before coming out, to my utter humility. For those of you unfamiliar with Roman Catholic practice, many of us will recognize going on circuit to avoid mean confessors (and they are out there) or a confessor getting used to our list of sins by recognizing our voice (hence, why face-to-face confession with the same confessor has become helpful for me since, but that took finding good priests and a willingness on my part to accept less than perfection in myself, even recognizing I may do the same sin again--a more pastoral perspective):

Me: "Bless me father, for I have sinned."
Priest: "What are the sins you wish to confess."
Me: "I have blah, blah, blah, masturbated x number of times, blah, blah, blah."
(trying to hide what I felt was my damnable offense amidst a long chatter of other lesser stuff some of which I now see was of greater import; I'm sure other folks of Roman Catholic background will recognize the strategy.)
long long silence, at which point I'm thinking, "Oh, shit! It's that bad!"
Priest: "What do you pray?"
Me: "The Office"
Priest: Musing to himself aloud, "Certainly the Office has been the foundation of the Church's prayer for centuries."
Priest: "...your journey has seemed hard, even impossible, but your journey is just beginning, and it is joyous."
Me: silence
Priest: Go, devote your life anew to God and Mary. And for your penance, sit before the statue of our Mother and pray the Hail Mary ten times and close with an Our Father.
Me: "May it be it done to me according to Your will."

Coming Out

In keeping with the faith stories theme Joe at Canterbury Trail brought up, I will share again my coming out story in a nutshell. I began to come out shortly after this personal revelation/prophecy in the confessional (only part of which I share).

At university, I was a daily masser. Everyday at five o'clock, I would join mostly middle-aged folks for Mass at the Newman Center, often I was elected to do the readings (to my terror as I was incredibly shy, but everyone thought I proclaimed well). This is where I came to know wonderful people, including some who are still good friends. Everyday, I also sat for 20 minutes in meditation in the style of the Jesus Prayer before an icon, a practice I took up at 18. My coming out happened within the context of practicing my faith. It was a baptismal and eucharistic process (and still is). The process was long and slow and still continues to this day. Coming out is never a one-time event... My journey hasn't become easier, but G-d never promised it would be easy; He promised my journey would be joyous.

Joyous isn't about the absence of suffering, but the ability to give thanks and offer praise in the midst of all that life brings, to love even in the face of confrontations and challenges and losses and injustices, especially when we choose to be more fully alive human beings in our God-given dignity as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered--even if that costs us a great deal! Not easy, and I'm not always joyous. But I do know that this is our end. As St. Thomas Aquinas elegantly writes, "We are made for joy." So I say, Le Chaim! Choose Life (and live)! G-d walks with you this day...
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¡Presente!

Pray for the repose of the soul of Br. Roger of Taizé, who was murdered yesterday:

Eternal rest grant unto him, O Lord, and may perpetual light shine upon him. May he and all of the faithful departed rest in peace.

Br. Roger: ¡Presente!
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I am Remus Lupin

(Courtesy of Fr. A.K.M. Adam)

Apropos to Joe's earlier post on the new Harry Potter book, I was correct...

Pirate Monkey's Harry Potter Personality Quiz
Harry Potter Personality Quiz
by Pirate Monkeys Inc.
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Tuesday, August 16, 2005

The Saga Continues..

This doesn't bode well. Clearly our polity--the diocese is the local church--meant nothing either to the judge, or to these parishes. I had to search high and low for truly gay-friendly parishes (i.e., parishes where I was welcome to do more than take a seat) even in the Bay Area; it appears, however, that these folks cannot live alongside parishes that disagree with them within the local Body.

So were I, to say, live in the diocese next door, San Joaquin, where ministry with people of my sort and condition don't matter a lick except for perhaps offerings in reparative therapy and abusive sermons and refusals of Holy Communion, I would probably drive to the Bay Area on Sunday, like many gay couples do, for Eucharist. No parishes of a more gay-friendly spirit are allowed in San Joaquin.

And yet, I would continue to argue for the inclusion of these folks, who have a problem with gay people and our lives, in the diocese of California or whatever diocese I belonged to were they willing to stay as part of the multivalent fabric of the local Body. That's the difference. Bottom line. And that's the beauty of an understanding of local church as diocese, especially in an urban context.

I hope and pray we don't get caught up in and sucked into bitter disputes over property to the point that we forget the missio Dei, remembering that there are so many people hungry for a word of Good News that G-d loves them this much +, that there is so much Gospel work to do.

Lord, have mercy.
Christ, have mercy.
Lord, have mercy.

Lord Jesus Christ, you stretched out your arms of love on the hard wood of the cross that everyone might come within the reach of your saving embrace: So clothe us in your Spirit that we, reaching forth our hands in love, may bring those who do not know you to the knowledge and love of you; for the honor of your Name. Amen.
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A Daily Blessing and Thanksgiving

The Jewish tradition is a tradition of thanks and praise, which the psalmist(s) and prophets deepened, internalizing the meanings and ways of living offered through the Temple cultus. Jews traditionally offer prayers of blessing and thanks before beginning any task, including, but not limited to, meals in participation with this rhythm of thanks and praise. We Christians can learn from our Jewish sisters and brothers.

As a Christian, I have faith in Jesus Christ, the Word Incarnate, our Great Thanksgiver and Thanksgiving both, into Whom we enter into and participate in through our sacrifice of thanks and praise in Holy Eucharist, becoming one with Him through the Most Blessed Sacrament, so as to live lives of gratitude thanking G-d for all of life as gift. In a nutshell, G-d became incarnate in Christ Jesus to offer the response to the gift of existence which we failed to give, thanks, so that we might in turn grow into that for which we were created, being thanksgivers through Him by the Holy Spirit.

So throughout the week we are called to continue in this ongoing and Great Mystery, returning all of life to G-d through Jesus Christ by the Spirit in thanksgiving and praise. Beginning each day and each task with a moment of blessing and thanksgiving is a way to keep Eucharistic vision at the heart of my life and a way of keeping faith when I might otherwise be overwhelmed by pessimism or what really is often a lack of gratitude. So starting today, I will be offering short prayers of blessing and thanks on this site in addition to other postings:


Blessed are you, O Lord our G-d, ruler of the universe,
who gathers us in your arms and carries us near your heart;

we give you thanks through Jesus Christ, your Son, our Savior,
for the safe return of my blest friend
and for the sweet goodness of brothers,
like precious oil upon the head,
running down upon the beard;
upon the beard of Aaron,
running down on the collar of his robes!

Blessed are you G-d who has commanded blessing,
send your Holy Spirit upon us and among us,
give us life for evermore. Amen.
Continue Reading...

Monday, August 15, 2005

Good Little Boi Grows Up


The Crucifixion (Pablo Picasso)

Damien offers some thoughts as he wrestles with what to do with church as a gay man given the present assaults and absurdities. Just when I think I can, it hurts too much. Just when I think I must walk away, I get just a taste of what could be. Many of us queer folk find ourselves in that trap, I suspect, at this very painful juncture in history. There must be a third way? We get hooked thinking that the love of G-d we've experienced is equivalent to the channels G-d has given us in the Church or other human beings. He also writes his love in our hearts, and sometimes that's all we have. Brian notes his own agonies, especially being asked to withdraw from lay ministry licensure in his parish for being in a same sex relationship.

To these words, I can relate so very well:


I had a profound experience of God's love for me as a gay man back in 1970, and that took place in the context of a Mass. Before that, I had not believed in God for a number of years. Suddenly, I felt flooded with the accepting, affirming, warm love of Jesus, with a clear message the he loved me exactly as I was. I immediately felt that I wanted to get as close to that love as I possibly could. I interpreted that as meaning I needed to get into the heart of the Mass, so I became a priest….

Add to my faulty discernment some likely psychological dynamics: I am a gay man, and I will prove that I am worthy of God's love by being pure and holy, leaving all else aside and following the naked Christ naked myself, if not physically (how improper!), at least in nakedness of spirit. This is typical gay best little boy in the worldthinking. I had been doing something like it for years already, ever since I had an inkiling that I was queer, different and wrong.


In preparation for entering the monastery, I was required to take a psychological battery. Amongst those tests was the MMPI-4. The psychologist who administered the test noted with some concern that I scored quite high in two areas: Psychopathic deviance and Femininity. Now before you freak out, psychopathic deviance in my case relates to having issues with authority. True enough. The psychologist explained that under most circumstances, given my working class context, growing up in an abusive household, I would likely be highly rebellious, antisocial, more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol, commit criminal acts, and end up in prison. That I didn’t was cause for further inquiry. The psychologist then suggested that the mitigating factor was my extremely high score on the femininity scale. Originally intended to flush out homosexuals, this portion of the test has since fallen largely into disuse. Yet, it seems, precisely one balanced the other.

Yet, they don't so much balance themselves out, as I thought at the time, but rather my deviance plays in a different key, and as I’ve gotten older, I’ve found this seeming pathological potential useful in becoming a more assertive and true human being. My Yang to my Yin. An ability to say "no!" In what otherwise might be an overly relational, overly sensitive existence, I can manage the chutzpah to tell others where to go if need be even if my voice stammers and tears run down my cheeks. Anyone's who's ever seen me angry knows they've pushed too far.

O Lamb of God, I Come, I Come

lutherpunk’s honest testimony about how the music of Social Distortion has given a larger narrative for the tough and real moments in his life moved me deeply. His life runs like many of those in my family I can think of, and so, if I can't relate directly, because I was too busy being the good little boi, I can name any number of uncles, cousins (even the stories of my dad's youth) who have similar stories of drugs, children out-of-wedlock, alcohol, jail, violence, divorce, death. Some of his testimony echoes that of my little bro's, who funny enough does listen to music along the lines of Social Distortion, while country is the big thing amongst many of the men in my family. Both types of music it appears capture something of the roughness and brokenness and rittiness and tenderness and perhaps just a little light coming in the form of honesty and lives less than perfect. lp writes,

In Absolute Truths, by Susan Howatch, the character Charles makes states that, “It occurred to me that hell was not, as Sartre had proclaimed, other people. Hell was being obliged to pretend to be someone other than one’s true self.”


Truly, this is another way of speaking about Original Sin. And oh, I know hell. I think we all do. The discovery that I've made was being amongst folks with whom you can be honest, yourself, is crucial in coming out of hell, in becoming more yourself. Places where it can all hang out, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Where you are loved first, you will find yourself becoming more who G-d speaks you to be. Too often, we start with the opposite arrogating to ourselves what we think G-d speaks another to be, and the love goes all to shit. Instead of loving our neighbor as ourselves, we love the sinner, hate the sin. After all, some of my good friends simply held me at the Peace when I showed up to Mass drunk because I couldn’t deal with being gay. They helped me to the Altar for a bite of Grace. Or got me to counseling when I considered more permanent solutions to my dilemma after being rejected by one side of my extended family. Violence turned inward instead of outward is still potentially deadly.

And that is the underbelly of being the good little boi. The angers, frustrations, sorrows, sufferings don't go away. No they don't blow up in outward signs of inward and invisible pain, snorting blo or breaking someone's nose. The angers, frustrations, sorrows, sufferings, implode in denial, masks, and self-loathing. My yin to most of my brothers' yang.

Becoming more who G-d speaks us to be…Not surprisingly the cure is relational, relational first and foremost with the Great I Am beyond our webs of human relations that can so easily fool us into the falsity of being what others speak us to be even using Christ to justify a present order that destroys. And many times, even as we find our relationship to G-d in the Church, we cannot rely upon the Church to be a community very different from any other. We've learned that that supposed community of grace is often a community for our destruction, the place where we can least be. Like Damien, I met I-Am-Who-I-Am at the communion rail, weeping in tears and hungering for the Blessed Sacrament. Knowing in the words of that great hymn, G-d loves me just as I am. Like Damien, even the sacraments are no guarantee, having been turned away myself. So, we're all a little sick, and some of our sicknesses have been institutionalized. Like lp, I cry out for more honest surrounds, something or someone who can give it all meaning.

As Damien wrestles through what to do with church, a wrestling I relate to deeply, I hope to wrestle less with the church and wrestle more with being one whom others can be more fully themselves with in all of their edges, hurts, addictions, failures, struggles, joys, dreams. Be more neked, physically, if needs be. After all, St. Symeon the New Theologian went about in his birthday suit proud of the gift of the body G-d had graced him with. And Christ, whom I call G-d, hung from a tree with ne'er a cloth to cover himself while he pronounced his blessing on a broken crowd.
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Salve Regina

Did I mention, I have a special affection for Our Lady? Holy Mother Mary plays a rather large role in my daily practice as I chant Ave Marias in the shower to start my day:

Ave Maria, gratia plena, Dominus tecum;
Benedicta tu in mulieribus
et benedictus fructus ventris tui, Iesus.
Sancta Maria, Mater Dei,
ora pro nobis peccatoribus,
nunc et in hora mortis nostrae. Amen.


The BVM also figures in my theological thinking as Mystery of the Church and of the Body of Christ, and I readily accept the dogma of Assumption, though I find the dogma of the Immaculate Conception troubling in light of my understanding of Original Sin, which is less substantialist and is more Eastern Christian or on the order of Holy John Cassian's in emphasis. Fr. John preached a fine sermon on the BVM yesterday (Click on Sermons, August 14, 2005) for the Feast of St. Mary the Virgin. The Mary I know is not merely meek and mild, but prophetess, proclaimer and bearer of the Word Incarnate:

Magnificat anima mea Dominum;
Et exultavit spiritus meus in Deo salutari meo,
Quia respexit humilitatem ancillae suae; ecce enim ex hoc beatam me dicent omnes generationes.
Quia fecit mihi magna qui potens est, et sanctum nomen ejus,
Et misericordia ejus a progenie in progenies timentibus eum.
Fecit potentiam brachio suo;
Dispersit superbos mente cordis sui.
Deposuit potentes de sede, et exaltavit humiles.
Esurientes implevit bonis, et divites dimisit inanes.
Sucepit Israel, puerum suum, recordatus misericordiae suae,
Sicut locutus est ad patres nostros, Abraham et semeni ejus in saecula.

Gloria Patri, et Filio, et Spiritui Sancto.
Sicut erat in principio, et nunc, et semper, et in saecula saeculorum. Amen.


The first serious icon I wrote was of The Virgin of the Sign, presented to my parish, St. Thomas More Newman Center, for Advent in 1998.



Salve Regina, Mater misericordiae,
Vita dulcedo et spes nostra salve.
Ad te clamamus exsules filii Hevae.
Ad te suspiramus gementes et flentes,
in hac lacrimarum valle.
Eja ergo advocata nostra,
illos tuos misericordes oculos ad nos converte.
Et Jesum benedictum fructum ventris tui
nobis post hoc exsilium ostende.
O clemens, o pia, o dulcis Virgo Maria.
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On the Right Track?...

This address praising Alan Bray by theologian, Elizabeth Stuart, struck me on so many levels. I wanted to cry and praise and be challenged more all at the same time. It seems that my own ruminating here and elsewhere is beginning to move in this direction. So I might not be so off as I thought? It seems I may even have more folks to draw upon in my thinking than I thought were at hand...

What I find most heartening is, at least I hope, that my focus is first and foremost about being a Christian in my context. That I do this by going to the Divine Liturgy on Sunday, practicing my faith through prayer and service, and thinking about Christian theology and practices, especially with a liturgical bent and an emphasis on thinking liturgically and theologically about things queer. It seems to me that in some cases they mutually reinforce a turn to the Tradition again and challenge an overhardening of any identity, *gay* included, as final or determinative (seeing ghettoizing or separatist tendencies in my own thinking by being gently challenged by brothers and sisters here plays a role I might add in continuing to think through things). An opportunity to pause and reflect more carefully:

Bray was one of those who has demonstrated that the gay subject is simply not stable enough, too easily exposed as a product of history and culture, to build a theology upon, which is not to say that one cannot think theologically about it as one can with any historical or cultural product, but it is to say that the sexual or gendered subject cannot be foundational in the theological enterprise and the fact that all sides in the contemporary Christian debate on homosexuality have treated sexuality as foundational may explain something of the current hostile stalemate in which that debate flounders.

....

Bray believed that theologians of liberation including gay and lesbian theologians were foolish to leave the Church’s tradition to be colonised exclusively by the conservatives, for not only does the tradition constitute the common language and heritage that makes theological discourse possible but it is also so rich, so vast, so generous in its embrace that it acts as a brake on any simplistic identification between contemporary social constructions and the divine will. In other words the one thing that Christian tradition is not is conservative. If we allow it to speak it will continually challenge and provoke us.

....

The first of these questions Bray articulated was, ‘are sexual ethics an adequate framework in which to consider the ethical issues involved?’ He argued that the ethical issues raised by the existence of these sworn brotherhood in their own day focussed on the role the relationships played in society as a whole. Bray wanted the Churches to raise their eyes from the genital area and ask questions about the role homosexual partnerships play or might be allowed to play in contemporary society. This is why he so greatly admired Michael Vasey’s work. Vasey argued that the Church had simply missed the point about contemporary homosexuality which was it was less about sex and more about alternative constructions of masculinity (and we might add femininity), to those which have emerged in a modern capitalist economy. Vasey argued that if the Church was prepared to look, it might well find among these men who for whatever reasons resisted dominant constructions of masculinity echoes of its own tradition which it has lost sight of in it capitulation to modern constructions of sexuality and kinship.

....

I think that the instincts of theologians such as Kathy Rudy and Eugene Rogers are right to look to the tradition and to try construct an understanding of both sexual relationships and monasticism as being part of the discipline of Christian discipleship in which the boundaries of the self are transcended and the stranger is welcomed.


At least for me, gay and all that attends that draw any meanings of final import from our theological and liturgical traditions and at the same time highlight portions perhaps ignored or pushed aside or left dormant, like Gregory of Nyssa, challenging what has been until now simply accepted as THE Tradition. To discern that the sacramental potential in religious life, single life, homosexual pairing, heterosexual pairing (because I do see that friendship can attend marriage, but that shifts the whole tradition of marriage itself--our gift in the ongoing process of Tradition?), is ascesis, friendship, queering, mutual obedience, stability, lifelong conversion, lives led in a godward direction (chastity), putting on the mind of Christ, participation in the kenotic, perichoretic friendship of the One Holy and Blessed Trinity: Father, + Son, and Holy Spirit. Amen.
Continue Reading...

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Some Ritual Resources for Pastoring Queer Folk

Earlier in the week Derek, lutherpunk, Melancthon, and I carried on a discussion about rites and lgbt pastoral care. Here are a few resources I have on my shelf. Clearly, there is a need for others, especially from the so-called "liturgical traditions". I suspect we will be seeing a lot more lgbt Christians drawing upon our own "ritual versedness" with the help of supportive pastors and priests in designing such rites. From time to time, I will offer creations of my own on this site as well for your thoughts, reviews, critiques.

Some Decent Secular Advice

E-howsRituals around the holidays

E-Hows How to Create an Identity as a Gay Male Couple (I couldn’t find a Lesbian Couple version which tells me we have a ways to go bois/boys in expanding beyond our own horizons...)

Ayers, Tess and Paul Brown. The Essential Guide to Lesbian and Gay Weddings (San Francisco: Harper, 1994).

Some Christian Resources

My recommendation. Many of these have been composed by non-Anglican/non-Lutheran/non-Roman Catholic/non-Orthodox folk. In other words, they are quite Protestant. They are more likely to give you ideas in shaping rites rather than using them whole hog in my opinion. In fact, given my ritual conservatism, I find some of them problematic. Like this one by Chris Glaser, whom I otherwise respect a great deal.

My own preference in such rituals is to draw upon our sacramental tradition and the Sacraments, not doing something wholly new-fangled, as this does, making a partaking of one another a substitute for partaking in Christ, who should be the locus and focus of such a rite it seems to me. (Thoughts?) Also, the language is blah. Do remember also that we have resources within our traditions, so you should consider shaping rites tailored to the pastoral needs of lgbt folk. For example, a healing service in which unction and Eucharist might be the urgrund would need to name areas where healing is related to lgbt concerns—loss of family and friends, substance abuse, loss of relationships, HIV/AIDS, loss of custody of child(ren), promiscuity, etc. If needs be, work with them in doing so given your own pastoral and ritual expertise.

Duncan, Geoffrey. Courage to Love: Liturgies for the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Community. (Cleveland: Pilgrim, 2002).

Glaser, Chris. Coming Out to God: Prayers for Lesbians and Gay Men, Their Families and Friends. (Louisville: Westminster, 1998).

Kittredge, Cherry, and Zalmon Sherwood, eds. Equal Rites: Lesbian and Gay Worship, Ceremonies, and Celebrations. (Louisville: Westminster, 1995).

Prayer Books and Practices

Chittister, Joan. Scarred by Struggle, Transformed by Hope. (Grand Rapids: Eerdman’s, 2003). [Not lgbt per se, but a powerful resource for reframing our struggles and joys in life.]

Glaser, Chris. The Word Is Out: Daily Reflections on the Bible for Lesbians and Gay Men. (Louisville: Westminster, 1999).

Lea, Jeffery R. For Another Flock: Daily Advent And Christmas Meditations For Gay And Lesbian Christians. (Cleveland: Pilgrim, 2005).

Storey, William. A Book Of Prayer : For Gay and Lesbian Christians. (New York: Crossroad, 2002) [Good Stuff looking at prayers for a wide variety of circumstances which lgbt folk face. And Roman Catholic.]

Stuart, Elizabeth, ed. Daring to Speak Love's Name: A Gay and Lesbian Prayer Book. (London: Hamish Hamilton, 1992). [Anything by Stuart is worth a look. Usually well grounded in Roman Catholicism.]

Internet Resources

Axios [Eastern Orthodox lgbt advocacy group, with ancient adelphopoesis rites useful for planning and their felicitous language. I drew upon these in my own composition.]

Beyond Inclusion [has four union rites from Episcopal parishes]

Claiming the Blessing [has two Episcopal rites and the rite from the Diocese of New Westminster]
Continue Reading...

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Just In Case There Was Any Doubt...

I'm afraid I left Derek sighing at my music tastes and lack of musical knowledge at least of certain genres. Lately, I've been getting an education in music and group styles that I know little or nothing about.

The closest I come to is the occassional genderfuck (more on that soon). Nothing like wearing a miniskirt, leather boots, and a muscle-t, with some sparkly blue nail polish and eye shadow to boot. And maybe just a touch of purple hair and a flower in my ear.

Here is my scores on the music personality test. Notice edgy and aggressive are quite low. No punk, metal, grunge, emo (whatever that is), or so on generally populates my music collection. So I know of The Cure, I've never heard of Social Distortion or Suicide Girls...(more on that in a moment)

I must say I do like The Donnas classified variously as cock-rock metal with a bit of a punk feel rooted in the Ramones, and The Sex Pistols are classic, even if they don't get much play here. So maybe there's some hope for an expanded repertoire?

And I just discovered who the suicidegirls are. lp mentioned them in a previous post, and I assumed they were a *hot* band, which gave him pause in the same way I lauded a hunk of the day. Emo and goth burlesque? Imagine my surprise. Here's a definition. Not quite my style, but I'm open to new tastes, so I found suicideboys here (though I didn't join quite yet) and here. Can I just say I'm open to alternative lifestyles!



I'll give The Cure a try at Derek's suggestion. Whilst some of my friends in high school were listening to The Cure, I was listening to Madonna, Cher, and Sarah McLachlan with a little bit of Aerosmith and Alice Cooper. As I said, Madonna is coming out with a new dance album, and I can hardly wait! She was the Marilyn for my generation of gay men (We always have at least one you know. Why? I have no idea.).



Apparently, Derek and I can at least trace some shared history through the Pet Shop Boys.

Latest Listens:


Nightbird by Erasure


Listen to Your Heart by DHT


Trance Heaven Vol. 3


Queer as Folk, Season 5: Club Babylon


Roller Coaster by Jim Verraros


Live Like You Were Dying by Tim McGraw


Ultimate Kylie by Kylie Minogue

***FLASH***


I first encounted the revived Kylie in Germany three years ago. This is about as *hot* as it comes, and I must say, I couldn't get it in my head.


Astronaut by Duran Duran


Jagged Little Pill (Acoustic) by Alanis Morrisette


Be As You Are by Kenny Chesney


7 by Enrique Iglesias

***FLASH***

But this I can't get outta my head:

Continue Reading...

Laying It All Down for A Sister or Brother

WARNING: If you are offended by four-letter words or gay sexuality, you may wish to avoid reading this series of posts.

Counter, Original, Spare, Strange


My desire is not to offend in this post or those to come, but to speak honestly and straightforwardly. While some might find the words here unchristian or crude, I’m neither interested in prettifying gay men (we do that well enough for ourselves, thank you) or considering that Christianity is first and foremost about speaking in euphemisms, niceties, and platitudes. To speak honestly and straightforwardly are Christian virtues, and this gay Christian chooses to do just that here in my own space using the words gay men, including gay Christian men, use in our cultural interactions amongst ourselves. If you are curious, take the view of an anthropologist getting a rare and privileged view on another culture or the role of a caring missionary wishing to find that of Christ in this unusual tribe of men you’ve been sent to proclaim Good News.

God of Passion and Compassion

In the close to my last posting, I wrote about the passionate nature of G-d revealed in Jesus Christ, a G-d who cleaves to us, takes on our very nature, wants to be in relationship with us, is particular in knowing each of us and yet all-embracing:

After all, the G-d I know in Jesus Christ is a hot passionate lover, jealous and playful, blunt and truthful, willing to lay it all down for a sister or brother. If mystics, male and female, can speak of their union with Christ in hot passionate terms, how dare we speak of our lovemaking in such colorless shades!


At the heart of this love affair is 1) kenosis, the self-emptying outpouring love of G-d through which the universe was and is created (not ex nihilo, but ex amore as the Eastern Church would say), love that rejoices in and suffers for the sake of the other—compassion, love that does what we failed to do, offering the thanks and praise that gathers us in to the uttermost without mixing, without separation and 2) perichoresis the interpenetrating dance of the Father, + Son, and Holy Spirit, who desires and yearns for our presence in that dance, and works to make it so.

Which brings us to awe in Jesus’ willingness to lay it all down once-for-all revealing G-d who wishes to know us, who, in James Alison’s words, “likes us”, and is willing to go to extremes to make His position known to us. Who undoes our fallen and faulty notions of an oppositional deity to whom we must make blood sacrifice, including of one another. This is G-d who in indwelling in us perfects us, brings us to completion precisely through kenosis and perichoresis. In a nutshell, in Christ, God comes to us as lover and friend, and by the Holy Spirit dwells in, with, and under us such that we cannot help but find ourselves changing, in that most catholic formula of process, “saved, being saved, and will be saved”.

The Practice of Friendship

”Our friends become lovers, and our lovers, friends.” (Edmund White)

In a post on May 16, 2005 titled, “Friends With Benefits,” I offered some thoughts on the nature of male-male homosexual/homoaffectional relationships with regard to adelphopoesis ceremonies in a Christian context. David Nimmons opens the way to continue a discussion of the intersection between gay male cultures and Christian faith in The Soul Beneath the Skin. In Chapter 6, he traces out the possibilities of “permissable intimacies” among gay men, which hearken back to my post “Where is this going? on Saturday, July 30, 2005 ruminating over our potential for arrangements other than monogamy. He writes,

“It’s time to ponder the F-word at the center of gay lives. No, not that one. I’m talking about friendship, silly. But you went there, didn’t you? Of course you did; our sexual exploits usually steal the headlines. Yet when we cast an eye beyond the bedrooms, backrooms, and baths, a far more profound set of gay affectional innovations comes into view. For we are rewriting the rules and habits of intimacy. The very practice of friendship is being reinvented in gay worlds.”


Doing Friendship Differently

“The development towards which the problem of homosexuality tends is one of friendship.” (Michel Foucault)

The interconnecting, interpenetrating circles of friendship that gay men form amongst each other can be quite startling to the outside observer or missionary. A blend of sexual and non-sexual interactions that build up a diverse and complex body of men. Regardless of what one might think about this complex of arrangements, something is afoot that carries with it considerations for the Christian missionary and for Christian theologizing. Nimmons writes,

The two dozen men above constellate their relationships in a dozen permutations, and hues. They have been by turns each other’s acquaintance, housemate, boyfriend, lover, trick, business partner, care partner, roommate, fuck buddy, nonsexual bedmate, tenant, landlord, and friend….To some, this roil of relations may seem confusing, controversial, even catastrophic. But to the men involved, it is none of these. Because whatever one calls this improbably posse of pals…to their dozen housemates and the men who twine in and around their affections and kitches, such is the texture of life. When it works right, the gay social contract allows a wider range of permissible intimacies….In many ways, for many reasons, we construct affection differently. Where straight male intimacy tends to the dyadic, ours tends to the diffuse….We have the potential to bond in dyads, triads, and more-ads. It was in a gay context that social thinkers coined the distinction between biological “families of origin” and “chosen families.” The very term “family of choice” was coined by us to capture the social textures of gay men’s affectional and social lives….One can denigrate gay men as sexual dogs without boundaries, or celebrate the customs of our cultures that help us develop and maintain broader friendships among former (even ongoing) sexual partners….The men in gay spheres strucutre our elective social time differenlty, and are involved with, and care for, not just spouses, but friends. (114-115, 119, 121)


Startling? Probably. Shocking. For some, maybe many, I suspect. While we might have qualms with the sexual sharing that goes on within these webs of relations, something of great value and virtue and even of the character of God stands out: An interpenetrating, relational, multivalent, outpouring, communal filias. An affection enveloping both eros and agape, but tending toward interactions of a more platonic bonding that is particular and yet open to newcomers. Nimmons writes, “We do friendship differently enough that it has attracted note in serveral disciplines.” (118) Those disciplines include Christian theologizing. Some fine works on the subject include:

++Archbishop Peter Carnley's "Friendship" from in Faithfulness in Fellowship: Reflections on Homosexuality and the Church, Elizabeth Stuart's (of Religion is a Queer Thing fame) Just Good Friends, M. Friedman's What are Friends For?, John Inge's "Friendship and a Christian Understanding of Relationship" in Theology (Nov-Dec 1998), Graham Little's "Friendship", Stanley Hauerwas' "Virtue, Description and Friendship", Jeffrey John’s “Permanent, Faithful, Stable”, Charles Helfling’s (Ed.) Our Selves, Our Souls & Bodies (Quite an array of good essays), not to mention ECUSA’s own opening work on the subject, To Set Our Hope on Christ.

These theologians and others note the centrality of friendship in queer relationships, including amonst gay men. Engaging with Holy Writ, Tradition, and the experiential aspects of gay cultures, they each seek ways to honor same-sex loving in Christian contexts, challenging us to reflect upon how Christ can build upon and complete homosexual nature. An honoring that both makes room for and yet limits this community of loyal pleasuring, lifting up the deeper point as grounds for consideration, reassessment, and incorporation--filias. Nimmons points out this deeper point as well,

“For decades, gay men have looked to each other for emotional, practical, even financial support, weaving webs of interdependency with those in our loosely confederated circles. Research suggest, in fact, that it is this nonsexualized participation in a common life that makes gay men report feeling satisfied, more than it is their range of sexualized interactions.” (121) [emphasis mind]


The missionary would do well to see that of Christ in such a complex even as she seeks to explore with these men the bounds of sexual sharing should they chose to follow Christ in discipleship. A discipleship understood on the grounds to which this culture is most congenial and amicable, a discipleship of friends.

Missionary Positions

As with monastics, another or related aspect with potential gain for Christian insight is highlighted in Nimmons’ more positive reading of gay male lives. Nimmons asks a little later in, “What does ‘family’ mean when it gets spread around?” (119) A web of relations beyond blood and kinship, open to new permutations sexual and not, more fluid and ready to taking on new members carries with it renewing potential for Gospel living and work. It sounds an awful lot like Church!?.

The families formed are ostensibly non-productive in the literally procreative sense. Commitment is not primarily focused on sexual bounds and child rearing, but in bonds of loyalty and affection and promise and camaraderie and companionship, as research suggests. Of course, new tribalisms can certainly arise in such interacting, and hence, a Gospel orientation will direct this filias for the good of others. Such interactions do highlight softly that deep Gospel understanding of the Church as interpenetrating and diverse members of one Body that goes beyond tribalisms of all kinds, including queer ones, to upbuilding one another for the good of all and the glory of G-d. Caelius mentions this potential roundaboutly,

But if you're gay, you have been thrown out of the gene pool by nature. Why else would you want to do "unnatural things" naturally? (I'm straight. Forgive my tone.) If you actually express your nature by not reproducing, either chastely or otherwise, you are not participating in the end of liberal individualism. You are free to do other things. Perhaps, you could work on improving adherence to mutually beneficial community standards? And then teach us how?


Communitas and Caritas

I dreamed in a dream, I saw a city invincible to the attacks
of the whole of the rest of the earth,
I dreamed that was the new City of Friends,
Nothing was greater there than the quality of robust love—it led the rest,
It was seen every hour in the actions of the men of that city,
And in all their looks and words.
(Walt Whitman, Calamus 34)

So this interpenetrating, interweaving, dance which this friendship network, this “family of choice” teaching arising from gay male communities, carries with it Christian potentials and interpretations.

We don’t give enough thought to friendship in Christian circles these days. Enamoured by a romanticism and dualism of married love so much a part of the cultures we live in, we form our relationships with Justine Timberlake and Brittany Spears as the templates. Ken dolls and Barbie dreams. Happily ever afters. And anything other than this is less than human. Consider how celibates, singles, religious are so often pitied as half a human. Consider how less than happy-clappy marriages are considered failures. The mutlivalent friendships found in gay male cultures challenges this poverty of the imagination--kenosis and perichoresis.

Or we harken back to the severity of upperclass Roman Imperial values that have sometimes dominated our thinking in an ends and production direction toward procreation that is all too coherent with a liberal capitalist vision. Friendship upends both notions for something that is both sacrificial and upbuilding, carrying the potential to be neither a product oriented, nor dualistic “family values” fortress hostile to the Christian vision of the earth as G-d’s holy temple, a house of prayer for all peoples”. (Isaiah 56:7) (In this way, procreation too can be returned to the world of G-d’s love, the unitive dimension, gift, ending notions that would tend toward the consideration of a child as something produced, a mere possession and belonging, rather than a grace.)

Caelius hints at this possibility amongst queer folk more generally in his valuating the bishop of Lincoln’s assessment of adelphopoesis ceremonies as non-homosexual in character:

Over the years, I have read and thought much about these issues. I even have read a few books. And I think I am fairly close to a good working theology of what I call adelphia . In Greek, the word adelphos means brother and the word adelphe means sister. The nomenclature derives from Greek rituals for "the making of brothers" or adelphopoesis . Hence, those "sworn friendships" that Saxbee discusses represent to me a latent catholic tradition of the very things he seems to think they were not.


A latent catholic tradition of bounding Gospelly the potential of same sex loving to bring forth its gifts to the rest of the community most fruitfully. J-Tron has again and again challenged my unwillingness to name my relationship a marriage. He commented recently,

the question has to be asked whether the distinctions in our sexuality really necessitate the invention of new institutions rather than the enrichment and enlargement of old ones. You mention in here the way that the institution of marriage would change if gay and lesbian people were admitted to it. I welcome that change, the same way I pray I would have welcomed the change that the end of race seperation laws brought to marriage. All marriages are different. Every covenant has unique qualities. And every generation has brought an evolution in our understanding of what marriage is, why it is, how it works.


The change we push right to the center of marriage in such a shift is friendship. This is a gift that we queer folk bring to conversations around sex and love and marriage. After all, friendship is our ascesis; we know it well. I’ve said it before, the deepest grounding of my own relationship with another man is friendship, a friendship that perhaps the word itself cannot even fully do justice to or exhaust without resorting to platonic language or dogmatic categories. Friendship that is kenotic, perichoretic. A threesome of “friend cleaving to friend in Christ”. (St. Aelred of Rivaulx, Spiritual Friendship)

Greater Love Has No One

Strangely, the Good News of Jesus Christ has quite a bit to say about friendship despite its relative disappearance in official theological discourse in an obsession with sex and genitalia. And we perhaps owe it to our various modes of ascesis to once again place friendship centerstage, be we married, in union, single, religious, hermit, widowed. After all, Jesus commends friendship as the paradigm of our relationship with G-d in his send off in the Gospel of John:

“As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you; abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love. I have said these things to you so that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be complete.

This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. No one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. I do not call you servants any longer, because the servant does not know what the master is doing; but I have called you friends, because I have made known to you everything that I have heard from my Father. You did not choose me but I chose you. And I appointed you to go and bear fruit, fruit that will last, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask him in my name. I am giving you these commands so that you may love one another.” (John 15:9-17)


So amongst queer theologians and our friends, friendship has been the linchpin with which theologies making room for same sex loving have been held together, a linchpin grounded in Trinitarian vision and dogma, and I suspect that this trajectory will not only bear much fruit in our own lives but in the lives our straight sisters and brothers. The gifts we bear, I would suggest (contra Joe C., whom I find to be an excellent conversation partner) highlight that we are not merely handicapped heterosexuals, but differently abled with purposes of our own for the health of the Body. Our “lefthanded” sexuality mirrors back questions of production and ends orientations so prevalent in much of Christian theologizing about sex. Such questioning has the potential to lead us in a more relational direction grounding the procreative in the unitive, while highlighting communicative and communative aspects, aspects of virtues and things held in common. As J-Tron pointed out,

I'm concerned that too much emphasis can be given to the attempt, however honest and necessary, by gay and lesbian folks to define their sexuality away from any heterosexually imposed concepts. A gay union should not be forced to act like a straight union with some of the parts switched around. A gay marriage should not be treated as an inferior or "alternative" form of a straight marriage. There is a different character to gay and lesbian partnerships. I get that entirely.


The bit about parts is obvious, of course, they are switched about a bit, but our non-procreativity, at least literally, makes way not perhaps for a difference in character, but a difference in emphasis (a corrective?) sorely needed at a time when marriage and friendship are too often seen and imaged as separate categories or even incompatible possibilities.

A Reading from the Queer Canon

The reading for this Sunday is one of my favorites, a portion of the queer canon in Scripture.

A Reading from the Prophet Isaiah:

“Do not let the eunuch say, “I am just a dry tree.” For thus says the LORD: To the euchunchs who keep my sabbaths, who choose the things that pleace me and hold fast my covenant, I will give in my house and within my walls, a monument and a name better than sons and daughters; I will given them an everlasting name that shall not be cut off (Isaiah 56:3-4)

Our friendship-orientation and networking, given a Christian grounding and interpretation and bounding, as is the purpose for so much I write here, frees us all, in Caelius' words, to to see our end more clearly not in "personal and secular immortality" but in everlasting friendship with the Father, + Son, and Holy Spirit. Amen.

And while you’re at it, check out this blog, The Philosophy of Friendship Blog rich with musings whimsical and deep on the variety that friendship takes.

NEXT POST: Friendships and Genderfucking
Continue Reading...

Friday, August 12, 2005

Welcome...

I've added three new blogs to my sidebar:

Emily of hazelnut reflections offers inside thoughts on being an Episcopal priest, wife, and stitcher of various sorts. I've often lurked at Emily's but rarely posted, so it was time to make it official.

caelius of the The Monastery of the Remarkable English Martyrs is offering interesting thoughts on the 39 Articles of Religion.

LeahSophia of desert spirit's fire offers wisdom from the desert, poetry, and theological inquiry all with a touch of beauty.
Continue Reading...

Friday Dog Blogging...


Ocean Beach, San Francisco


In my little corner of the world...


Red Alert
Continue Reading...

Just the Good 'Ole Boys

(Courtesy of Derek) Funny. Derek and I are opposites. Anyone who reads here will not be surprised of my humourous bent, though I think I'm a little more subtle than Johnny Knoxville at least sometimes? But Hey, "I'm always up for a little bit more than the law will allow." Move over Jennifer...










the Idiot Savant

(38% dark, 53% spontaneous, 57% vulgar)

your humor style:
VULGAR | SPONTANEOUS | LIGHT


You like things silly, immediate, and,
above all, outrageous. Ixne on the subtle word play, more testicles
on fire, please. People like you are the most likely to RECEIVE
internet forwards--and also the most likely to save them in a
special folder entitled 'HOLY SHIT'.

Because it's so easily
appreciated, and often wacky and physical, your sense of humor never
ceases to amuse your friends. Most realize that there's a sly
intelligence and a knowing wink to your tastes. Your sense of
humor could be called 'anti-pretentious'--but paradoxically enough,
that indicates you're smarter than most.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU:
Johnny Knoxville - Jimmy Kimmel








My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
















free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 0% on dark





free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 50% on spontaneous





free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 50% on vulgar
Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid
Continue Reading...

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Gay Language: Tongues of Desire

WARNING: If you are offended by four-letter words or gay sexuality, you may wish to avoid reading this series of posts.

Counter, Original, Spare, Strange

My desire is not to offend in this post or those to come, but to speak honestly and straightforwardly. While some might find the words here unchristian or crude, I’m neither interested in prettifying gay men (we do that well enough for ourselves, thank you) or considering that Christianity is first and foremost about speaking in euphemisms, niceties, and platitudes. To speak honestly and straightforwardly are Christian virtues, and this gay Christian chooses to do just that here in my own space using the words gay men, including gay Christian men, use in our cultural interactions amongst ourselves. If you are curious, take the view of an anthropologist getting a rare and privileged view on another culture or the role of a caring missionary wishing to find that of Christ in this unusual tribe of men you’ve been sent to proclaim Good News.

Habits of the Heart?

For forty years, gay men conceived and defined our primary cultural work to cleave our social space for our erotic selves. In that time, as we have seen, we built what is without question the richest sexual culture the planet has ever seen. Yet the possibility that such innovations may hold anything important, humane, or liberating goes largely unaddressed in majority culture and media....But our sex may be just the most visible marker of our cultural invention. The sex is the part the world has most easily seen. But what if it blinded us to something else all these years? Maybe our key difference doesn't lie in our erotic after all. What if it's just our opening act, a way of learning what we can do together? What if all that sex--that lovely, magnificent, sticky, daring, tender, piggy, bold, sweated sex--is just a dry run for the glorious trouble we can make when we put our will to it?...our deepest cultural impulses may be less about male bodies than about male hearts. Given our unnamed habits of nonviolence, service, caretaking and altruism, intimacy, the hundred ways that we rewrite the rules on men, sex may turn out to be the least radical of our differences. (110-111)


As I'm cruising through The Soul Beneath the Skin: The Unseen Hearts and Habits of Gay Men, I'm struck by how author, David Nimmons, offers counter insights onto gay men, our ethics, our language, our care, our cultures of desire, raising up the positives where others have perhaps seen only a surface account painted largely in negative strokes. In my reflections over several posts in the next week or two, I will continue his work, teasing out places where his deeper readings of gay cultures intersect with Christian faith.

Cum Sports

Previously, Derek, bls, and I had a fun and fascinating, if not informative discussion on gay and straight men in the comments of bls' July somewhat tongue-in-cheek post "Studies show scientific, cultural progress impeded by male heterosexuality" on July 13, 2005. I had mentioned to bls and Derek that gay men don't go into graphic detail in talking about blood sports (like hunting, football, whatnot), we go into graphic detail in talking about cum sports. Nimmons confirms some of my observations,

The topic for today's sermon is sex. Now there's a surprise, right? When you're homosexual, it's kind of your middle name. Sometimes it seems two queer men can hardly meet but that the communication turns carnal. "What do you get into?" is our subcultural equivalent of "How 'bout them Mets?" (56)


And talk we do. Incessantly. A core shared value among us is our frank and elaborated discourse around sex--its pleasures, dangers, and techniques. It is part of our public and personal discourses in ways wholly different from those permitted in American majority culture. If language to some extent reflects cultural emphasis and distinctions...gay men's erotic language offers a window onto our view of sexuality, and the different ways we use language to position privacy in our lives. (98)


Sex language (Click on Gay Slang Dictionary or Gay Dictionary Q for language of things gay.) shapes much in gay cultures from our (re)shaping of public and private to how we speak with our lovers and spouses, from our comraderie and friendships to how we interact with one another generally. On the whole, gay male tribes, and queer tribes more broadly, as I observed of the Pink Party this year, seem to capably maintain a space of reduced if not nearly non-existant public violence. I don't think that's accidental. As Nimmons asks, "How often do you hear of a bar brawl amongst gay men?" Playing and talking cum sports shapes us differently. I commented in our discussion:

On the way home I was reflecting upon Metal bands you mentioned in a post back--a few I actually like, Metallica, Guns 'N' Roses, but I like them not just for the music...mmmm Axel Rose...when I was a young lad in fifth grade, Tommy Lee, and I think this is common amongst gay guys. The same can be said for sports. I love soccer, but I love soccer not just for the game, but for the men...the sights, the muscle, the toplessness of the winners, the smell (if live)...a different dynamic from the all-straight-man game watching experience...or when I'm the only gay guy at the Superbowl party my straight guy friends find my commentary interesting to say the least...or wrestling...two gay guys wrestling is loaded with a potential different from other combinations [of men].




I wrote of our conversation in my July 15, 2005 post, "A Crackle in the Air", noting these differences, though speaking broadly, I suggested:

Whenever I'm in the Castro or any gay male district, I always feel an underlying intensity of sexual energy, unspoken, but crackling in the air almost as if at any moment the place will erupt in multiple orgasms. Men casting their eyes about in want and hunger and hormonal fire. Putting so much male energy directed toward one another in a concentrated form in a small place is an experience that you can only find among straight guys at a sporting event or a hunting outing or the like--and the energy is directed differently. We fuck, they pulverize.


So not better, but different, "an alternative variety of manhood" as Dr. J.A.H. Futterman names it. And that difference has something to add to how we think about space, relationships (marriage and whatnot), maleness, neighbor care, sex, friendships, language, violence, and Christian faith, among other things. Nimmons writes,

Dr. Michael Kimmel, posed a provocative question: "If boys have a natural tendency toward violence and aggression, do we organize society to maximize that tendency or to minimize it?" Our distinctinctive cultural patterns make us one of the world's most harmonious cultures of men....One day, historians may shake their heads at the irony that the twisted logic of sodomy laws could transmute this least-felonious group of men, this peaceable kingdom of pink, into statutory criminals in eighteen states [happily no more]. For us, our crime is not how we fight, but how we love. (39)


Gifts of a Pubic Public

Nimmons writes,

We take that same public discourse to the streets when a contingent...marched behind a bannder with bold letters exhorting passersby to "Please fuck safely." There is an image to deconstruct for days. Not only have these men chosen to march behind a message of safety, not only are they issuing a well-intentioned maxim to their erotic brothers, and only do they cheerily flaunt the F-word in public. But all this they have done on a large banner, in stylish sans-serif font, grammatically. And what other group of men would think to ask "please"?

Nor is this frankness confined to our spoken or printed word. In places where we control public space, our own iconography reigns....In our iconography, our chosen vocabulary, our customs, our melding of "public" and "private" speech....our language and symbols challenge the notion of the private. With every word we utter, we trouble the perimeter of the private. (100)




Interestingly, this breakdown of a private/public dichotomy, itself the creation of Enlightenment thinking and the rise of an industrial, urban bourgeois, has parallel understandings in Christian thinking. Christianity also has little room for this dichotomy. We might speak of personal, but not private. Personal is still public. Our prayers may be personal, but they are not private. Our sex lives may be personal, but they are never private.

A relational faith has little room for such an autonomous, individualistic conception or sphere. We do not compartmentalize our lives into separate spheres in such a manner, giving this to G-d and holding this back for ourselves, bringing the community in on this, keeping them out on that. Some things we might only share with our priest or confessor or spiritual director (representatives and icons of the community) or lover, but our lives are never private, all that we do and are is lived before G-d and within the community. Our lives are public with a goal of transparency, transparency as windows into Heaven.

Gay language in word, image, bodies offers a similar critique, and perhaps offers redemptive gifts for the community? Certainly, we disrupt the rest of the Body's unwillingess to deal more openly and honestly and reasonably and joyfully-seriously with sex.

The Virtue of Honesty

And as Nimmons points out, our frankness has virtues:

It is no accident that this most sexually open culture was the one to create, promulgate, and adopt standards of sexual safety and STD prevention, and the we achieved what has been described as "the largest behavior change in the history of public health." We did so precisely because of our habits of explicit sexual discourse, practice, and mentorship. (108-109)


Our forthrightness is not without redemptive value, though our frank sex-talk has been the fear and bane and embarrassment and discomfort of many even though our faith proclaims G-d Incarnate, the most materialistic of religions, as the late Archbishop of Canterbury, ++William Temple put it so well.

Surely, as Nimmons suggests implicitly, our notions of private have encouraged rather less-than-wholesome versions of Christianity in the name of wholesomeness and good taste! Christianity punctuated by a rather lesser emphasis on honesty and truthtelling than one might expect from followers of the Way, the Truth, and the Life?

I asked a good friend recently at dinner as we were discussing the roles of queer folks in questioning the pat answers: "Where is the place where you can be the least honest?" "Church," she replied matter-of-factly. Church. Church is the place where we can be least honest. Rarely do we hear of someone struggling with not beating his wife. Or abusing her children. Or giving into another drink. Or having sexual difficulties. Or I'm having an affair. Or... Church is the place where many of us can be the least honest, the least truthful about our struggles, our failures, our difficulties, our sins. Such private notions allow for all kinds of less-than-Christian goings-on, and few places to bring them into the light of day. Nimmons writes:

Bringing the pubic public holds huge political implications. The notion of private is used in many ways: to enforce control, to coerce, police, and shame. Privacy is used to privilege some, disempower others, to define and demarcate what is acceptable for all. Sancrosanct notions of privacy echo in phrases like "within the privacy of family," "behind closed doors," "What you do at home is your business," "a man's home is his castle."


Even our Church institutions have taken in this deeply unchristian ethic, and the latest manifestation of it can be found in the sex abuse scandals of the Roman Catholic Church: "privacy of the sanctuary," "behind closed doors," "make no waves," "we don't want a scandal," "keep things quiet," "what you do at church is not the public's business," "a bishop's diocesan dealings are inscrutible, accountable to no one, above the law".

It may be one of the greatest ironies that the sexual cultures of gay men and queer folk more broadly bear a willingness to speak truth openly and honestly where others would hide behind fear of scandal and Christian faith. The Church needs us rather the rest of the Body knows it or wants us or not! After all, it was a gay man who fashioned ECUSA's sexual abuse policy, and now, he sits as an out bishop. Where we collude with dishonesty, we collude with values foreign to the best of being gay and Christian. Of that, I have been guilty. Nimmons writes,

There is one other possibility hidden in this stack of studies....If these scholars are right, then many gay men may hold a set of personal values that are not yet fully manifest in many of the most visible, accessible parts of the collective gay world. (33)


Anglo-Saxon Bluntness

Derek at Haligweorc has mentioned a preference for 9th century Anglo-Saxon liturgy and such. Forward folks, those Anglo-Saxons. I get the sense that the locals probably didn't mince words or beautify the truth overmuch. You can almost hear the snickers around the table discussing the latest village gossip: "Alric is fucking Wilfrid." The same goes for gay men. Forward folks.

At university, my professor of Christianity, a Dominican friar, made his rules for writing and speaking clear in the first session: "If you mean 'shit', use 'shit', not some French word like 'excrement'. 'Shit' is a good Anglo-Saxon word."

It would seem that in the English-speaking world, gay men are continuers of vulgar Anglo-Saxon with regard to sex. We didn't give into feelings of inferiority to the urbanity of Latin like most speakers. Vulgar need not only mean dirty, or indecent, or crude, but common, of the masses. So be it. We're common and dirty. Little fancified and refined Latin in our vocabulary, at least not during sex. We don't say to our lovers, "Fellate me!" or "Let's have anal intercourse."

It turns out we even talk differently face-to-face (or whatever position one prefers). We are less apt to use erotic euphemisms--"touch me down there," "do that thing I like"--than we are to bellow that occasional "FuckmeFuckmeFuckmeFuckme!!!" or that charmingly earthy staple, "Suck that dick." Dr. John Gottman, researcher at the University of Washington, co-authored the first observational work comparing an equal number of gay and straight couples, looking at relationship patterns. Among the findings where that when a heterosexual couple talks about a sexual problem, "basically you have no idea what they are talking about. You never hear them say, "'I'd prefer it if you would touch my penis or my breast.' They don't talk like that...they migh as well be talking about painting the barn"

Research suggests that we talk just a whole lot dirtier with spouses and lovers. (Here you thought Jeff Stryker was just a fantasy.) We use a more erotic, arousing, blunter vocabulary than do heterosexual males or heterosexual females; employ more Anglo-Saxon, less clinical words for genitals and acts; and are less likely to clean up our four-letter words to polite terms than are straight guys during sexplay. When it comes to erotic talk, being gay shapes it as much as being male does. This may as likely be due to the fact that the talk is between males, so avoids the linguistic changes we have been socialized to do when talk includes females. (99-100)


As I said to a friend at dinner recently, when the topic turned to our favorite subject, "You know making love is great. Sometimes making is love is just getting it on. Sometimes making love is tender, gentle, sweet. Sometimes making love is exploratory, trying something new. Sometimes making love is sweaty, hot, messy, raucous fucking."

I'm sure I'll scare away those who want to apologize for us, include us all tame, even the chaste like myself are too much unless we behave and speak like the typical middle class family at all times ne'er a stain, but some of the qualities they might wish to whitewash over to paint that pretty white-picket-fence picture may prevent us from offering the deepest gifts we have to bring to the Table.

And honesty in what people actually do and enjoy and say and name and mean in the arena of sex, real sex, in speaking as a Christian, real sex bound by love in chastity, opens wider vistas onto the loving of G-d beyond the over-prettified, pious language, conservative and liberal alike. Some honesty about the realities of Christians having sex is a good start toward reclaiming the intensity and vigour and tenderness and self-giving and desire and holiness of making love. After all, the G-d I know in Jesus Christ is a hot passionate lover, jealous and playful, blunt and truthful, willing to lay it all down for a sister or brother. If mystics, male and female, can speak of their union with Christ in hot passionate terms, how dare we speak of our lovemaking in such colorless shades!

Anglo-Saxon Words

(Courtesy of The American Heritage Dictionary.)

All of these words are derived from Old and Middle English sources and are likely to be found in the average gay male lexicon of genitals and acts: ass, balls,
cock, cum, dick, eat, fuck, fun, play, plough, pound, rim, stroke, suck...I could go on.

NEXT POST: Eldering and Friendship
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Waters Shall Break Forth in the Wilderness

A Word of Dignity

Gay men and lesbians [and bisexuals and the transgendered] have an astonishing degree of tenacity: they must, just to persist in being faithful to themselves in a world that has shown itself to be hostile, untrustworthy, and dangerous. Their continuing presence in the church century after century is a failry impressive feat in and of itself. (Gifted by Otherness, 4)

Reprinted from Falling Persistently, March 3, 2005 apropos to the current wranglings in the ELCA as they go through their "annual faggot-flaying":

On the last day of the festival, the great day, while Jesus was standing there, he cried out, “Let anyone who is thirsty come to me, and let the one who believes in me drink. As the scripture has said, ‘Out of the believer's heart shall flow rivers of living water.’”
-John 7: 37-38 [NRSV]

The story of the Samaritan woman at the well had me thinking this weekend, as did the Gospel reading for yesterday about Living Waters in John 7 (read at our Liturgy Planning Committee Meeting for lectio), as did the posts of two priests I’ve grown to admire, Fr. Jake and Fr. John, who both have recently posted on pastoral leadership.

Finding Our Way

I have more than once reminded a fellow LGBTQ Christian (myself included) lamenting our present treatment in the Church catholic: “We cannot always rely upon the spiritual leadership of bishops or priests, nor can we always rely upon the support of our ecclesial institutions, and in some cases even parish communities, given our present status in the Body of Christ. That doesn’t mean we can’t participate in parish and church life, but it does mean that the support and nourishment these can provide in our daily lives as LGBTQ Christians is limited given the present circumstances. We are called to dig deeper through prayer, meditation, lectio, service of various kinds, and other practices and we are called to seek out support, sometimes outside of our parish, sometimes outside of our tradition, sometimes outside of Christianity to sustain our hope, our commitment to Christ, our partnerships, our lives, our spirits. And this is truly a gift. We are blessed with an opportunity, with an imperative to grow up and mature into adult Christians, not merely parroting the words and wisdom? of ‘the Pope says,’ or ‘father/mother so and so says,’ ‘bishop yadah-yahdah says,’ ‘theologian X writes such as such.’ Jesus asks each of us, ‘What do you say?’ No we have little choice but to become adult Christians if we are to remain Christian at all. This is hard work! And afterall the best of bishops and priests will encourage us in the search…”

Words of Assurance

So no matter how nice and heartfelt the latest documents written in ecclesiese sound, be it the ELCA’s Sexual Task Force Recommendations or the Anglican Primates’ Communique concerning “the pastoral care of homosexual persons”, pastoral care by ecclesial leaders for LGBTQ Christians in our present circumstances is at best limited and in many cases not possible due to ecclesial regulations and attitudes toward LGBTQ persons. We’re frankly better off without much of what would qualify as pastoral care, though I acknowledge with much gratitude the loving exceptions. I know this is hard for many a pastor to hear, given as they are to helping. But a more honest assessment of how in reality pastors of a given tradition (with its present position on LGBTQ persons) can care for LGBTQ Christians is far more helpful—not to mention truthful—than tastefully worded documents that smooth over trenchant and structural tendencies toward poor pastoral care, provide at best for counsel and ceremony in the closet of the office or home rendering our lives socially and structurally invisible for the sake of propriety or regulations or unity (and thus, to one degreee or another also rendering as ritual lies not just in word but in deed--in body--our most central rites of Baptism and Eucharist), and/or remain mute about the dangers of abuse to LGBTQ persons at the hands of ecclesial authorities in the name of god given the present stances of a pastor’s given Christian tradition.

Shepherds?

I personally prefer not to speak of our bishops and priests as shepherds of the flock; as a gay Christian, I’ve too often had to look to Christ for support and guidance as one of His appointed takes another whack with a crosier. The rod and staff meant to guide the sheep along rocky and treacherous paths, has too often been used to push the LGBTQ sheep off the mountain and over the ledge. Does that mean I don’t have respect for the office or for particular bishops and priests? No. As a liturgist and church historian, I respect their callings and contributions and sacramental leadership, but I’ve learned the hard way not to place my relationship with G-d in their hands, even the capable hands of those who are loving and gentle and compassionate and supportive. Sadly, our present status in the Body of Christ within the various ecclesial institutions to a greater or lesser degree binds the ability of these good hearts from care for us fully in ways that would open for us the full richness of the good news that G-d loves us and wishes to know us and be in relationship with us as LGBTQ persons with all of the attendant rituals and support that such a love suggests.

Care of the Soul

Too a lesser or greater extent, this means that our shepherds cannot shepherd us, though the supportive among them might befriend us, walk with us on the way, support us from time to time. Present circumstances within our ecclesial bodies leave a gulf between us that will likely not be overcome in my lifetime. As adult Christians in such circumstances we must do our own discerning and agonizing, pastoring and shepherding. A spiritual friend or support group becomes a necessity for doing this: As Christians, as human beings, we cannot go it along—though the Lone Ranger model is popular in the individualistic USA. Now anyone who stops by here knows that I am a little bit more than, well, traditional, even conservative, when it comes to irresponsible jettisoning of the baby with the bathwater just because the bathwater is dirty or the baby is being drowned in the bathwater. I’m one to drain the bathwater and run with the baby, for in Him is life despite it all. Besides, being a lover of history, I’m all too aware that our traditions are not static, and the Christian faith, praise be to G-d, has numerous traditions of spirituality upon which to draw, some of which are due for revisiting and renewal in our time.

Growing Up in Christ

For our part, a commitment to honesty and maturity requires LGBTQ Christians to dig more deeply for healthy Drink, for much of what is handed us proves toxic. Again, we must drink more deeply of the story and rhythm of Christ, for only in the Crucified Risen One will we find the courage to live our lives, the receptivity to forgive those who revile us, and the grace to remain peaceful and joyous, rather than only angry or hopelessly bitter, in the midst of it all (Lately, this advice has hit home for a large number of my Roman Catholic friends, reeling from the sexual abuse crisis and the failure of the leadership to adequately address issues of episcopal (including papal) and presbyteral accountability.). As St. Bernard of Clairvaux once advised, “We must drink from our own wells.”

Losing Acceptance and Taking Responsibility

Growing up requires us to face that we are not accepted by our ecclesial institutions and leadership to one degree or another, which often replicates what we have experienced in our family life, in society, in culture. We need to face that demon named “Acceptance” head on, for it exacts a heavy price in our lives: Our vying for ecclesial acceptance finds us busily running about making ecclesial institutions the center of our lives when we’d spend our time and energies far better focusing on G-d in our lives and in one another. So growing up and digging deep call us to face “what is” (to use a phrase from James Alison’s latest work, On Being Liked). We are not accepted by our ecclesial institutions. And we do not need ecclesial acceptance! Relaxing into G-d, we find the He not merely loves us, She likes us as LGBTQ persons (James Alision, On Being Liked) loving and living as LGBTQ persons.

Lutheran mystic, Jakob Boehme, once mused paradoxically, “God is both a ‘yes’ and a ‘no’.” Our ecclesial institutions and leadership have handed us a “yes” that affirms repeatedly their centrality for our spiritual care no matter how poor even abusive this has tended to be (in our estimation, not merely from ecclesial perspectives) and a “no” that denies recognizing G-d’s full inclusion of us in G-d's Life muchless within ecclesial structures. This paradoxical god has become too much to bear for many. Many have left. Many are broken. Many have placed their spiritual lives on “hold”. Many are no longer Christian. But we need not accept this as the final word. For we are not without guidance or care even in this present order of things, for in Christ Jesus, we even now know a Shepherd who gathers us to Himself. The prophet Jeremiah speaks of such as these in his promise to the Jewish people: I will place shepherds over them who will tend them, and they will no longer be afraid or terrified, nor will any be missing. (Jeremiah 23:4, NIV) As adult Christians, we are free to speak a word as well; we are free to accept, appropriate, negotiate, and reject the “yes” and “no” of our ecclesial institutions. And we are free to say “yes” to G-d’s loving acceptance and inclusion and “no” to care that is less than good news for us in body-mind-spirit with all of the responsibility that such a response engenders. We are free to take responsibility for our relationship with G-d, embracing that we too will be judged by the One who became one of us.

Dangers and Risks and Mistakes

Growing up, though, is not without dangers and risks and mistakes. Now these are worth it in my opinion, but a little wisdom and care along the way are, in my reading of our traditions, essential because we cannot see ourselves or be ourselves by ourselves.

And pastoral care and gifts afterall are not limited to the orders of our ecclesial institutions. A vocation and charism undergoing a renewal in our time is that of spiritual elder/friend/director. We LGBTQ folk are blessed that we live in such a time, and if we find ourselves for reasons or another unable to find care within the structures of our particular tradition, we may be able to find a spiritual elder who can stand alongside us on the way. He or she, may or may not have official standing in our tradition or formal academic/pastoral training, but official status and training are not essential to this charism and vocation—though there are some licensing organizations that are helpful in searching for an elder in some regions and countries. Fr. John Chryssavgis in his most excellent work on the Desert Elders (those early prototypes of spiritual friendship), In the Heart of the Desert: The Spirituality of the Desert Fathers and Mother writes,

An ages-long spiritual heritage, of which they [the elders] comprised only a part, taught them that alongside the more institutional lines of “apostolic succession” there was also a complementary inspirational element of “spiritual succession.” This is why they did not establish regulations or write down fixed rules. The only rule was that there were no hard rules. Flexibility was the sole rule of the desert.

Finding an Elder

So another paradigm or metaphor with relationship to Christ and one another is slowly sifting its way through my heart these days, those of Elder and Friend.

Fr. Chrysavvgis writes of the elder:

The spiritual elder—or the abba, the amma—is the one who has journeyed along the way of the desert. The spiritual director is the one who has survived the desert and, therefore, can speak both with confidence and with compassion, with authority and with charity alike. The spiritual elder can provide guidelines against the pitfalls and pointers to places of refreshment. The way, of course, always remains personal; each of us follows a way that we carve out for ourselves. Yet the journey is social; we travel together with a sense of community. The abba or amma should never block the way; they should never steal the limelight. They should never stand out, but always stand beside us. In fact, they should be characterized by few words, but the same golden virtues of the desert: namely, silence and fasting. The spiritual-director is not a tourist-guide, but a fellow traveler on the same path. [Emphasis mine]

Amma Theodora puts it this way,

a teacher ought to be a stranger to the desire for domination, vainglory and pride. One should not be able to fool that person by flattery, nor blind that person by gifts…Rather, the teacher should be patient, gentle and humble as far as possible; the teacher must also be tested and be without favoritism, full of concern for others, and a lover of souls

The elder and friend has our best interest at heart and is more devoted to listening than to prescribing, more devoted to letting us learn what we need to learn rather than preempting our mistakes or stumblings with premature intervention, more ready to be with our own particularities as a human person rather to give us a one-size-fits-all approach. In Western terms, we call such a stance Reason, reason being understood as Wisdom which includes not only our cognitive abilities, but our intuition, body-knowing, gut feeling, and such; theories and theorizing are open to adjustment and change given practices and particularities that bring with them heretofore unattended or unknown circumstances and possibilities.

Elder as Spiritual Friend

In the Gospel according to St. John, Jesus says,

This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. I do not call you servants any longer, because the servant does not know what the master is doing; but I have called you friends, because I have made known to you everything I have heard from my Father. You did not choose me but I chose you. And I appointed you to go and bear fruit, fruit that will last, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask him in my name. I am giving you these commands so that you may love one another.

Friend implies give and take, room for mutual correction and exhortation, communication and mutual receptivity, appreciation for a variety of gifts, responsibility and accountability all around especially as direction is given. And Friend vitiates power-over relating too often found in our present ecclesial institutions in relation to LGBTQ Christians, suspending what Dean Alan Jones in his latest work, Reimagining Christianity: Connect Your Spirit Without Disconnecting Your Mindhas named the neurosis of Christianity: sado-masochism.

Sado-masochism

Sado-masochism is that tendency for those in authority to justify our suffering (in silence, in enforced involuntary celibacy, in self-hatred, in denial of full participation as leaders in all ecclesial roles and positions--not only as people in the pews, who are given an opportunity to support our ecclesial institutions through monetary or time-based offering, in invisibility through lack of public rites, in attack both theologically and politically in contexts of church and state) as the will of god for us and calling upon us to graciously accept our suffering as god’s will for our lives and is that correlative tendency for us to accept this treatment without question and as the will of god for our lives. Such a neurosis is too often justified by the Cross, but such a reading of the Cross is the reading of an elite, of those in position to define who is in and who is out, and is not, as Carolyn Walker Bynum makes clear in her studies of Medieval women (see my post, “God is in the Details”, at Bending the Rule), a reading of those not in such positions. Frankly, such a reading of the Cross does not do justice to the life of Jesus, but isolates his crucifixion from the life of the Kingdom he lead, shared, and imparted, especially with the vulnerable, the reviled, the foreigner, the outsider. An embrace of the Cross in our lives requires us to actually graciously refuse acceptance of such treatment sometimes confrontationally, sometimes internally, sometimes vocally, sometimes quietly, sometimes _______ and to relate the suffering we experience and endure for being ourselves to the suffering of other brothers and sisters who suffer also because of or because of racism, sexism, poverty, ______--even that suffering from deep-seated fears so much at the heart of our current ecclesial circumstances. As Abba Apollo reminds, ”When you see your brother or sister, you have seen the Lord your God.”

A Circle of Obedience

So, here we have another approach for continuing to live out and nourishing our lives as Christians regardless of the present stance of our ecclesial institutions toward us as LGBTQ Christians. This is a way that is anything but a Lone-Ranger model. Such a way requires daily practices fit to the particular person (my own practices include daily meditation in the “Jesus Prayer” tradition and as possible, the Daily Office). Such a way calls us to deep listening, the root of the word obedience, derivative of the Latin audire, meaning to listen.

Fr. Chryssavgis writes concerning obedience:

The danger is that we often tend to romanticize matters of spiritual direction. We may idealize the process, expecting it to solve our problems. Or else, we may idolize a certain elder, seeking final—even absolute—answers in their words or their actions. In the Egyptian [and Syrian, I might interject, or even the forests of Wales and Ireland or Russia] desert, there was no room for such cult-figures. What preserves the authenticity of spiritual direction in the desert is the unrelenting sense of accountability and responsibility. No one set himself or herself up as an authority. Abandonment to another in obedience was the only avenue toward grace; but it was expected of everyone, elders and novices alike! Obedience was a circle that involved and included everyone; to be excluded from this circle of obedience was to create a vicious cycle of domination.

It is this same understanding of obedience that Sts. Benedict and Scholastica draw upon in their founding of their respective communities. In such an approach we all become teachers, for the elder wishes for us to grow in G-d even to the point of surpassing them in grace, and we all become learners, for none of us ever arrives in this life.

Baptismal Vows

Does this mean that I’m anti-clerical? No. What it does mean is that at this time clerics can provide at best limited support for our lives in Christ. Facing this reality head on, rather than taking heart in paper statements on pastoral care or getting all tangled up in what this or that ecclesial body or bishop says about our lives at any given moment is a must for our physical, psychological, spiritual sanity. This means we must live into our baptismal vows and this also means that our priests and bishops to some extent great and small have due to our present treatment given up the privilege of fully participating pastorally in our lives.(1)

An Elder and Priest

At Hesed Community, I once gave a priest a ride to a community function. In the car we talked a bit. He’s a wonderful man, deeply contemplative and loving, who speaks VERY slowly, almost to the point of bringing listeners into a meditative state. He told me that when he first joined the community, he was asked if he would like to lead us in the Mass on Wednesdays and Sundays. At first, he told me that he was hesitant because he didn’t want to undermine the amazing sense of community and lay leadership developing. Then he said that he’d decided to lead the Mass with the community, but he insisted on taking his seat amongst the congregation for the prayers, readings, and meditation, only standing before us (as we gathered all around) to lead us in the anaphora. I paused, ruminated, and considered the postures and gestures of such a leadership style. I then replied, “But we need priests who are living out their priesthood differently in such a way.” He paused to reflect on what I had said, “I’d never thought of it that way. Thank you.”

A Gay Lifestyle

A recent read of Fr. James Empereur’s, SJ Spiritual Direction and the Gay Person left me pondering the desert anew. Empereur calls the life of the LGBTQ Christian that of a desert existence, by which he mostly emphasizes the suffering, sorrow, and tragedy of LGBTQ persons. Yet, I find his reading of our lives one-sided and flat. Yes, we face suffering due to present circumstances as we live out our lives, but there are joys as well. A flat reading of the desert can imply only death and decay and suffering to those who have no experience of the life and lushness and joy of the desert, that place of seeming absence, abandonment, and death. The desert or forest or wilderness or city, whatever we wish to name this place of seeming absence, abandonment, and death, is indeed a space where we will find ourselves challenged, dying to ego-centricity, and being conformed bit by bit to the image of G-d in us. But this is also a space of, a way of life, of growing up into our full stature in Christ, of finding streams of living waters pouring forth from our hearts dare we dig to taste.

For waters shall break forth in the wilderness, and streams in the desert;
the burning sand shall become a pool, and the thirsty ground springs of water…

-Isaiah 35:6 [NRSV]

(1) This loss of privilege opens the way for LGBTQ Christians to consider anew our traditions in terms of rituals, drawing upon our own ritual resourcefulness—our “versedness” in the traditions—in blessing partnerships, to name just one example (others might include healing rites, coming out rites, transition rites). Present cautions, stipulations, reservations, and prohibitions on the blessing of and ACTUAL CELEBRATION OF same-sex relationships in both of the above-mentioned documents as well as in documents of a number of other Christian traditions are clear in their actual diminishment of our committed relationships despite the carefully chosen wording. To be blunt, we are better off without such blessings as these! And we are free to consider alternatives, alternatives that may or may not involve the presence of ecclesial authorities.
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Tuesday, August 09, 2005

On the Nightstand...

Some folks have wondered what I'm reading. With my next comprehensive examination in liturgical history due to be taken soon, I'm reading a lot of liturgical histories and primary texts, but I can't let that be enough. I need a full buffet of reading from novels to spiritual reading and beyond to round it all off. And somehow, they all come together, in an aesthetic cacophony of thinking, questioning, praying, praising for life fearfully and wonderfully made. To answer their question, I've added a selection on my sidebar under the title, "On the Nightstand". These are a selection of those works that currently occupy my time and thinking, questioning and studying. Enjoy!

Finishing Off


Eucharist: Symbol of Transformation (William R. Crockett)

A fine historiography of Eucharistic theology from the New Testament to Contemporary issues. Crockett works through the shifting and changing understandings of the Eucharist through 20 centuries, highlighting how differing understandings could and did in time lead to clashes, even when those differing understandings had previously stood side by side lifting up the multivalent richness of this most Blessed Sacrament.

If anything, Crockett makes clear how the work of our times in exploring theologies of Eucharist necessitates a return to liturgical and oecumenical thinking that allows for theologies of Eucharist that speak of this Most Holy Mystery in different theological "languages" but one faith. This becomes even more important as inculturation continues globally and Christianity truly becomes a universal faith with many theological languages beyond Latin, Greek, and German. Now the languages will not just be of nations and tribes, but women and queers. We're in for a long and messy and fruitful exploration of our dance with G-d.

Afterall, as Fr. John Meyendorff points out in Imperial Unity, Christian Divisions, the Council of Chalcedon was the first truly Oecumenical council allowing for Leonine (after thorough comparison with St. Cyril's formula) and Cyrilian perspectives to sit side-by-side, and from whence ,a Chalcedonian statement emerged. Three different "languages" were orthodox: Leonine, Cyrilian, Chalcedonian. Now, looking back sixteen centuries, we can see that a fourth was as well: Mopsuestian. The condemnation of St. Theodore of Mopsuestia was premature, for his own particularist thought was not out of sync with Chalcedon, even if his follower, Nestorious was.

As we move from the Reformation emphasis on systematics and singu-linear consistencies with a focus on the spoken word toward holding our thoughts and processes and multiple symbols and meanings together sometimes in tension (as so many of the Patristic period did!), speaking truth in more than one theological language, we are entering again a liturgical period hungry for the multivalence of Truth that only liturgy can give in sound and silence and word, paint and stone and image, bread and wine and sacrament.

Cruising



I happened upon a number of interesting works in the Queer studies at San Francisco state a few days back. This one stuck out. The author, David Nimmons, traces the deeper ethical and aesthetical currents that run through the lives of gay men. His development of a rich and multiplex understanding of comraderie and friendship amongst gay men makes for further thinking on Sr. Elizabeth Johnson's work, Friends of God and Prophets, in relation to Karl Rahner's suggestive comments on emerging paradigms of holiness.

Nimmons writes,

The consequences of the “gay men are dogs” dogma are very real and hugely pernicious. By believing the worst about ourselves, we create it. We enact what we expect. We become our worst fears with each other. (75) [Emphasis mine]


Responsibility, ethics, truth, the theology of friendship, egalitarianism. Such big words wind far above the ungenerous gutter wisdom that says fags just can’t keep it zipped. They ask us to confront the possibility that behind the simplistic “gay-men-as-pigs” narrative lies a far subtler ethical subtext. (90)


This part of ourselves we know from our own experience to be true—we serve. Not all of us, not all the time, not perhaps as much as we did. But we have a cultural habit of helping. Yet how often have your read headlines about gay men’s uncontrollable urges to…volunteer? For that matter, how many of us have ever discussed around a dinner table of friends queer patterns of caretaking? How often have we failed to ask the obvious: What do our patterns say about our hearts? (55) [Emphasis mine]


It recalls the caretaking that occurs in an army in a battle. Only in this case it is an army of lovers, and its campaign, the evolution of a new queer caritas. (42)


More to come...
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Ukpeaġvik Elders Speak



Scientists have begun asking questions of the 10,000 year-old oral tradition of Ukpeaġvik, meaning "place where the owls are hunted", (Barrow) and neighboring villages on the North Slope. (See
map to find Barrow at the top of Alaska, approximately 800 miles from the North Pole.)

My brother and his partner live in Barrow with their newborn son. Maria is Iñuit; this is home. When I lived in Barrow, I often heard from the villagers that the changes in climate were something different from those recorded in their long oral tradition and collective memory. Elders are speaking. Are we listening?

J-Tron has some thoughts on enviromental concern and economic thinking in his latest post, "Black gold barons win big, planet loses":

Folks tend not to care a great deal about the environment until it hurts them economically. But this sort of a course, if left uncorrected, cannot help but bring us to ruin economically as well as environmentally. We’re the ones left holding the bill....


Traditional First Nations wisdom considers how generations long after us will be paying for the decisions we make now--do these decisions honor the land and fellow creatures, upbuild the community, leave things better for those who come after us, make space for the different among us?

This is thinking quite contrary to the American short-term approach to decisions and memory, but it's time to re-evaluate. And while our church institutions devour one another in fights over sexuality, the earth and far more dire realities are forgotten in our passion, zeal, and fear about same-sex pairing. Frankly, it won't be same-sex couples that undo us, regardless of where we stand, but continued fossil fuel use and pollution, poverty and warfare, and the like very likely might.

I cannot change the way other Americans think. And given my context, I cannot make church institutions the center of my concern. But I can ask, "How am I contributing to the welfare of future generations? How am I making things better? How am I upbuilding the human community? How am I honoring the land and fellow creatures? How am I living my calling? How am I living the Good News?"

The quality of the lives of those who come after us is at stake. Can we forebear, lose much in investing in better ways, better fuels, technologies, values? Time will tell. May future generations not hate us for our lack of insight and wisdom. May G-d have mercy on our souls. Amen.
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¡Presente!

This weekend one of the BF's several "American mothers" visited. Sending Mrs. P off at the airport on Sunday, we talked over breakfast. Her great niece, Kyla, a bubbling seven-year-old was diagnosed with a walnut-sized tumor in her brainstem last month. She has undergone two exploratory surgeries and is now undergoing radiation treatments. Mrs. P takes care of Kyla's siblings while Kyla went to chemo treatments.

I could only listen with tears welling up in my eyes as she told the story. Part of the conversation went as follows: "We can't hold onto anything," the BF thought outloud. "But we should be able to hold on to our children!" exclaimed Mrs. P. "We are not in control," the BF muttered. "No, but we can take care of one another, be responsible to one another," I replied. I continued, "Mrs. P and I were talking while you were in the restroom. By the time this is over, they will owe $40 or $50K, and that doesn't include the incidentals like increased laundry, gas use, and the funeral. They can't file bankruptcy because W has changed the rules for households, but of course not for coroporations. He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, and no amount of cowboy-playing can hide that. He's never had to deal with the realities of the work-a-day world, and it shows. That's his family values for you."

We hugged as she left. "I'll keep you in prayer," I whispered. What more can you say? No G-d-talk will do when someone is in the midst of such suffering. Listening, being present, praying.

Kyla died early yesterday morning.

Eternal rest grant unto her, O Lord, and may perpetual light shine upon her. May she and all of the faithful departed rest in peace.

Kyla McCullough: ¡Presente!
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Monday, August 08, 2005

Dignity in Chains


An icon of the Sacred Heart of Jesus I wrote in 1997.

Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should. (Ephesians 6:19-20)

Karl wrote to me, wondering, “What it is like to be arrested, to stand up for your convictions?”

Know Thyself

First, let me say up front, I am no great activist. If those younger than I are looking for role models in Civil Disobedience and social justice activism rooted in faith, I can refer you to friends like Jan at
Happening-Here? I have been arrested on a few occasions with Soul Force and for protestations against nuclear weapons, and these stem from my calling in life, healing and prayer.

I am a “married monk” first and foremost. By monk, I mean that my calling is first to prayer. By married, well, that I’m chaste, not celibate. While others are called primarily to Christian activism, rooted in prayer and the Sacraments, I am called to prayer. I have encountered activists who dismiss me outright because my calling is not theirs, and I have encountered contemplatives who dismiss activists for the same. No. Each of us has gifts for the Body. We must remember, lest we think we have no need of one another, that before activist extraordinaire ++Archbishop Tutu called the opening of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission, he telephoned monasteries and convents around the globe to keep the Commission in prayer. With that said, here are my thoughts:

I couldn’t find the best photograph of my first arrest—it’s packed away apparently. Maybe later. But in it, you can see the dignity in my bearing. There is a dignity in those chains that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither height nor depth, neither bishops nor priests, neither councils nor statements, can take away. In that moment, you can see on my face, nothing and no one separates me from the love of G-d.

Being arrested is scary. I won’t lie about that. There is always the possibility that a planned action will go terribly wrong (After all, that day Fred Phelps was across the way and many at the Convention were not happy that we were there, including Integrity.). Muchless an unplanned action. But the Good News of Jesus Christ is scary, it’s uncomfortable, it’s risky, calling us to pour ourselves out without knowing the outcome or the cost. That this monkish man, timid, fearful, soft spoken (unless you get me in the pulpit), pleasing, rather praying than doing, sometimes finds himself moved to give an account bodily of the Hope that is in him speaks volumes. And that he finds his dignity even if for a moment in chains, is wondrous indeed. Not I, but Christ in me.

When a human being has been hard pressed and put down and reviled, yet rises to face those who have done her harm in gentle courage (heart anger), calling for accountability and renewal of the human community, G-d walks with her through, with, and in the struggle. When she rises to the call of the Good News of Jesus Christ that she is a beloved child of G-d and acts upon that sweet succour, willing to suffer the consequences, she walks in the light and power and freedom of the Resurrection even as she participates in the Cross of Christ, our Holy Wisdom.

Our Wisdom is Christ Crucified

Jesus lived this. Steeped in the Jewish martyr traditions, very G-d become human shows us the fullness of G-d’s kenosis for us in a life lived in willing self-offering and sacrifice, suffering and even death, death on a cross! Though raised up in defilement, put to death in the most cruel and unclean way, the solidarity of G-d With Us radiates through his shattered bones, his pierced side, his bleeding wounds, his agonized cry, “Eloi Eloi, lema sabachthani?” “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”

In Christ Jesus I am faced with the dignity of full and true humanity in the outpouring love of G-d in that most wretched and horrifying event. I am forced to ask, “Were you there, when I crucified my Lord?” That G-d loves us that much, even unto death, death on a cross, makes it clear that our unwillingness to love, our turning away from one another and G-d, costs dearly, and the work of conversion, renewal and completion doesn’t come cheaply.

In this moment, walking toward the paddy wagon, singing Good News, I witnessed the fearful humanity of G-d, to paraphrase Terrence Fretheim, and my own indignity, my own inhumanity, and I didn’t leave unchanged. Our dignity is our participation in G-d’s very movement toward us, our choice to love anyway: “Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do.”

St. Paul knew this writing letters from prison urging on others in the Gospel. Ss. Polycarp and Ignatius knew this in their arrests, trials, and deaths, the smell of Holy Polycarp rising up to heaven as if baking as fresh bread of the Holy Eucharist while he burned in the flames. St. Agnes knew this in her insistence upon retaining her virginity, her belonging only to G-d and to no man or human system and power, and found herself beheaded in the end. Ss. Sergius and Bacchus, lovers one another in Christ, knew this in their being paraded about in women’s clothing, tortured, and imprisoned, before being put to death. St. Martin of Tours knew this in setting aside his soldier’s clothes to take up the good news of Jesus Christ. Martin Luther knew this, as he rose before the Diet of Worms to make his defense of the Good News of justification by faith, afterward declaring those apocryphal but true words, “Here I stand. I can do no other.” I could go on. (see this interesting
webpage on Queering Luther)

Being driven away in paddy wagons together singing spirituals and Gospel hymns was an encouragement and strength. And I found a small bit of solidarity with the many men and women in other communities targeted for harassment and arrest just for being themselves. This does happen—often! My music teacher at the U of O, a famed Gospel leader in the African American community was harassed incessantly by the Eugene police until it nearly broke him. Only when the community stood up did this change. But to stand up, we had to take responsibility for our own past failure, our own capitulation, repent, and then take action to bring such practices to an end.

Converting practices of prayer and obedience to G-d (Civil and Ecclesial Disobedience) are needed to counter inhumane, dehumanizing, and anti-Christ actions toward a fellow child of the Most High. We promise to do just that when we answer in the affirmative to The Baptismal Covenant:

Celebrant "Will you strive for justice and peace among all people, and respect the dignity of every human being?"
People I will, with God's help.

All you saints of G-d, pray for us.
May Almighty G-d have mercy on our souls. Amen.


BTW: Did anyone notice today's hunk? I know, military, patriotic, but *wow*, my mind certainly shifted momentarily from the Resurrection to {ahem} another rising. Talk about my inconsistencies...?!. Or maybe, what if St. Augustine had interpretted erections as signs of Resurrection, rather than breakdown into chaos? Reposted Here:

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Sunday, August 07, 2005

Different Gifts, Same Spirit

There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit. (1 Cor. 12:4)

I'm joining Damien and Nathan in fasting and prayer for the ELCA this week as their Churchwide Assembly meets in Orlando, Florida. Many issues are on the table of our ELCA Lutheran brothers and sisters, foremost among them, worship (non)renewal and the place of queer folk again.

I doubt things will change for us in the ELCA, and it is becoming clear to me that rather than focusing on our place in church institutions, we'd do better to focus on living Gospel lives as queer Christians regardless.


My first arrest (but not my last), joining Soul Force at
The General Convention of the Episcopal Church
(Denver, Colorado; 2000) I'm the the last one, furthest to the right

Sometimes Others See Our Work More Clearly

Joe S. at Canterbury Trail offered these words of encouragement and challenge in his comments to my post "Either Or Sucks":

we both see clearly that there is work to be done. For you, that is to live openly and honestly as a gay son of God.


His words moved me and correspond with these words I happened upon for holy reading this evening. The reading gets at the heart of much of my writing here, one might even say my ministry here, while raising up the hard places honestly that I often find myself struggling with in my work:

A Reading from Gifted By Otherness
(by L. William Countryman and M.R. Ritley)

To many people, gay and straight alike, it seems that little else has taken center stage at church conventions, councils, or synods in the last decase, so that for many genuinely engaged gay and lesbian Christians, these meetings have become what one gay man, with more imagination than delicacy, called the "annual faggot-flaying." The difficulty is that this attention is overwhelmingly focused on what others see as the "problem" of gay and lesbian Christians, rather than the problem that heterosexual Christians pose to us. This latter is far more sever a problem, given the damage it inflicts on gay and lesbian lives, or encourages others to inflict.

....

In the midst of this discussion, debate, and ever-more-desperate attempt for one side or another to achieve an absolute victory, the genuine pastoral and emotional needs of gay and lesbian Christians are simply ignored, while on more discussion, dialogue, or debate takes place. These needs--and the freight of human pain and human need they represent--continue unabated while the church decides what to do about the problem. Clearly, the divided church itself is in no position to offer eitehr moral or spiritual leadership here, or at least any way timely enough to matter to a great many gay and lesbian Christians whose pain, confusion, and anger can certainly not be put on hold while the discussion goes on.

....

As a Christian, I appreciate their willingness to continue the dialogue; as a gay woman, I deplore this substitution of discussion for ministry, particularly when the real-life needs of men and women are flagrantly ignored.

There lies the central difficulty, it seems: one community waiting while another (which has too often shown itself to be ignorant or ill informed at best and hostile at worst) decides its fate and meaning. Whatever the dominant community's answer is, the process in itself is both unacceptable and unchristian.

....

Dealing with the "problem," then, is actually a matter of devising ways in which the gay and lesbian Christian community can begin a deeper process of self-definition, placing itself not only in the community-at-large, but specifically its role in the church--and doing it, moreover, not simply in the church's terms, but in terms that it has already redefined in the light of its own experience. This is a central task of what gay and lesbian Christians must undertake on their own behalf. Moreover, it must rest solidly on the gay-lesbian community's refusal to be defined as the problem: there is clearly a problem, but it is a problem of attitude on the part of the heterosexual community's part, and one of the first steps in healthy gay and lesbian self-definition is the rejection of the role of "problem" and the refusal to be punished for the heteroseuxal community's failure to deal with its own problem.

What does it look like when gay men and women appropriate and interpret the biblical story, act out the gospel message, and draw on their own cultures (including gay humor) to give them color, meaning, and texture? This is, I believe, a task that must be done by gay men and women as well as with gay men and women, not something the church does for gay men and women.

....

What does it mean, what does it look like, when gay and lesbian Christians can come to understand themselves as God's gay people, exploring God's love and wisdom in gay lives, gay relationships, and gay communities? Granted, this is a peculiar ministry when viewed by straight Christians, but most cultures are strange when viewed by ethnocentric outsiders.

....

Lesbian and gay Christians often find that we are trying to explain ourselves to two different and mutually hostile audiences. On one side, the gay-lesbian community is often deeply suspicious of anybody connected with Christianity....The churches, on the other hand, even when they are not actively hostile to us, often seem to wish that we would go away or at least disappear quietly into the woodwork.

....

Each aspect of our identity as lesbian and gay Christians offers gifts to the other. And each side needs the gifts that the other side brings. We persist in living on this awkward boundary not out of some inability to give up childhood religious training, not out of some reluctance to be fully gay or fully Christian, but out of a sense that this is the richest place we could possiblly live. That doesn't mean, of course, that it is free from problems. There are moments for all of us, I suspect, when we would really like to belong simply to one community or the other--but the losses would be too great.

From the perspective of Christian faith, this awkward business of living on the boundary looks very much like vocation--a call from God....God has drawn us to this difficult place in order to reveal God's grace to us and in us and through us. The boundary where we're living, however inconvenient, is a place rich in spiritual discovery--which means, of course, that it is also largely uncharted territory. No ready-made tradition tells us how to be gay and lesbian Christians. This is a vocation God has created in our time to bring about a new enrichment of the gospel.

....

Even if there is no specific tradition about how to be gay or lesbian and Christian, however, there is a long tradition within Christianity about living a life of integrity, a life of hope, a life in loving communion with God and with our neighbors. The basic principles of this tradition, the guideposts of Christian spirituality, have as much to offer to lesbians and gay men as to anyone else. The difference is that, in the past, churches discouraged us from bringing our full lives into direct relationship with these principles. The whole erotic side of human existence, in our case, was forbidden. The result was to make any real spirituality very difficult to formulate. Now that we have begun to bring our whole selves into relationship with the gospel, we open up all sorts of new possibilities.

....

But vocation is not just about ourselves. It is also about how we contribute to the larger world. What we bring, in the long run, to both our communities--the gay-lesbian community and the church--will be the result of our own spiritual growth. We blaze trails. We identify landmarks. We construct, in effect, a kind of map to allow two previously isolated realms of human experience and understanding to come into conversation with each other--to our own benefit and theirs.

There is risk in this enterprise and a strong possibility of pain from time to time. There is also the possibility of being surprised by the rediscovery of grace and the delight of a life in communion with the Love that underlies all reality.
(4-7)



No matter which direction this goes, we queer folk are included in the dance of G-d: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; people will not walk away unchanged:

O God, you made us in your own image and redeemed us through Jesus your Son: Look with compassion on the whole human family; take away the arrogance and hatred which infects our hearts; break down the walls that separate us; unite us in bonds of love; and work through our struggle and confusion to accomplish your purposes on earth; that, in your good time, all nations and races may server you in harmony around your heavenly throne; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
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Like Sand Though the Hour Glass...

"Nothing is as queer as folk." (British Proverb)



Tonight the American version of Queer as Folk signs off after a five year run. Planetout offers a review:

"Queer as Folk" has offered the rawest view ever of a certain swath of young urban gay life: an 83-episode extravaganza that began with a 29-year-old man running his tongue farther down the backside of a 17-year-old boy than any tongue had ever traveled on American television. Then came the fucking, the meth, underage hustling, wild lesbian lovemaking, occasional gay-bashing and a foul-mouthed waitress (Sharon Gless), who introduced herself by urging her customers to eat at least "some of your protein off your plate."


I've followed the show mostly by DVD (we cannot afford or justify ShowTime), so I'm always a season behind. I've got lots of catching up to do when the last season comes out. Hopefully during some school break I can hole up like last year and watch the entire season.

My favorite characters: the hunky brilliant Buddhist professor Ben, Michael's partner and Hunter's foster father, and the irrepressible Debbie, Michael's PFLAG to-the-max mom and mother to the bois and grlzz who call Liberty Avenue home.

QAF wasn't perfect, not as representative and diverse as I'd like by any stretch, but this was no "Will and Grace". Real issues like underage sex and prostitution, fucking and lovemaking, drugs, pornography, addiction, children, pride, monogamy, open relationships, hustling, rights, HIV/AIDS, death, creativity, bashing, hate crimes, infidelity, spirituality and faith were faced over the seasons. That's a start at least. I guess what the racy review above fails to mention is the sense of family, the community, the love that came through in so many ways across the seasons amidst the fucking, meth, and foul-mouthed cursing. Maybe in the midst of so many *hot* scenes, the reviewer couldn't see the ties that bind. Though I doubt we'll see men rimming on television again anytime soon, and for all of my qualms, the show put some spotlight on a small vista of queer realities, preparing the way for more. Much to the discomfort, chagrin, and horror of many, I'm sure.

At least for me, it stands alongside my other favorite cable television series, HBO's "Six Feet Under" (also ending, and a season behind). Nothing like a somewhat repressed Episcopalian family running a funeral home and working through the ups and downs of life!

I guess it's time to move on to "The L Word" and a whole new scene--probably stretch me a bit (J.C., what do you think?). I see the first season is out on DVD.

Personally, I'm still holding out for another side of queer life, the everyday, average looking, daily working, somewhat activist, not-every-day club hopping, struggling to make ends meet, off to Church on Sunday, baking brownies, cleaning house, fighting, dozing off to tv, not lovemaking everyday muchless every hour, and well, probably not bankable, little boring by comparison, lives. Ah. Soap Opera! I think I'll keep it real. But to the folks at QAF, thanks!
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Saturday, August 06, 2005

Who Let The Dogs Out?:

Some Guidelines for Liturgical Creativity

God writes the gospel not in the Bible alone, but on trees, and flowers, and clouds, and stars. (Martin Luther)

Derek at haligweorc pointed us to the practices of an Episcopal parish, looking for our thoughts. Sunday, August 7 featured a word from Holy Basil the Great. Unfortunately, I cannot quote this powerful word, as the readings for next week have already been uploaded, featuring a word from Holy Theresa of Avila. Both Doctors of the Church. We have been discussing the appropriateness of using such readings in public worship.

Liturgy Police and Nazis?

I must confess that I am a recovering and repentant? liturgy Nazi; though I would still object to certain items (some discussed below). In my early twenties, I was a fervent watcher and hearer of all unacceptable doings. I was one of those! And could be quite uptight and even unknowingly vicious. Reporting that some were using “Mother”, “Creator”, or fudging the creed, not kneeling, or whatnot. I’m sure the priest grew quite weary of my observations. Much of my policing issued forth from my own doubts and questioning, so I put on a mask of absolute certainty. I would like to think I’ve changed a little since then, given my deeper study of theology and history. Nonetheless, the practices of this parish give pause:

My first thought is that this is the principle Sunday Eucharist (see pastoral thoughts below). My second thought is that given the public nature of worship, this might suggest that Holy Basil or Holy Theresa are part of the canon. Few realize that the canon of Scripture is attuned to that which can be proclaimed publicly in worship as basis for our secondary reflection. Worship determined the “rule” of the Good Book as the Oikumene came to a slow consensus about what was a fit apostolic witness. The goal always being the Good News of Christ, as Holy Martin Luther’s own words make clear:

Christ is the Master; the Scriptures are only the servant. The true way to test all the Books is to see whether they work the will of Christ or not. No Book which does not preach Christ can be apostolic, though Peter or Paul were its author. And no Book which does preach Christ can fail to be apostolic, although Judas, Ananias, Pilate, or Herod were its author.

So, for example, the Gospel of Thomas is not considered heretical in the Eastern Church; it is, however, unfit for public consumption, and therefore, would never be read during Eucharist. I also noted that I have experienced worship where popular tunes or works considered heretical have been used. I’m not saying burn the books (we need them for scholarly purposes), but reading the Gospel of Philip in worship? No. I’m more flexible than many liturgy types, but this one crosses bounds. Who after all wants to hear the “good news” that Creation is evil or from a lesser god, that our flesh is alien to our soul? That salvation is reserved for an inner few? That is the gist of such gospels.

The Word is Still Speaking Through the Body

With that said, when I joined the monks at Mount Angel Abbey (no hotbed of innovation by any stretch of the imagination) for the Office and Daily Eucharist (but not Sunday) in preparation for deciding to become a monk, I was likely to encounter a reading from Holy Ignatius, Holy Augustine of Hippo, or Holy Benedict among others in the cycle. And feast days of saints normally featured a reading written by that particular saint.

So, would I always and everywhere oppose such a thing? Probably not. However, some criteria would apply to when to so do and to what might be read. And, I would be hesitant to replace the Epistle, given this is the primary place where most will encounter Scripture outside of the rite itself. So, better to consider the possibility of the Word continuing to speak in the Body (if this is to be read in a public worship setting) as a Fifth Reading following the Epistle but before the Gospel. I would especially find the practice unacceptable if the Hebrew Scripture were replaced (our history of anti-Semitism and anti-Judaism disallows such a move in my opinion.).

We do have a “canon” of Christian works theological, poetic, mystical considered holy reading. Much of this holy reading gives us a glimpse of the ongoing life of the Word with us by the power of the Holy Spirit. But not just any old reading would do. Who selects the reading? From where? How does it interact with the biblical texts found in the lectionary for that day? Could these be better worked into sermons on feast days of the saint? Considered in a theology or spirituality study? We don’t have a lectionary for such considerations. Yet? Perhaps this part of the Spirit’s work for the third millennium of the Church? I’m willing to pause, breathe, and let a few parishes try it out, but with clear labeling, as bls put it, of the item being served and with an understanding that this is neither the norm, nor normative.

What this conversation has done is opened the way to offer some thoughts on how I go about being creative with liturgy.

Opening Thoughts

Christ has died! Alleluia!
Christ is Risen! Alleluia!
Christ will come again! Alleluia!


Liturgically I am neither a repristinator who lauds a 14th century past or whatnot (choose your century), nor a dismisser. In seminary, I often faced two competing tendencies.

Those who would romanticize past practices without attending to the historical realities past or present. For example, communion rails, which many of us have grown accustomed to and are shocked by their removal, were erected to keep dogs away from the altar. In the average Medieval parish, one was likely to encounter dogs or even farm animals in the church building at one time or another. This is not the overly-clean worship life often found in, say, Anglo-Catholic circles who laud Medieval practice overmuch. In the over-romanticization, the Gospel can be lost in our liturgical queeniness (and this goes gay or straight), forgetting, for example, that new hymns do need to be written with music styles (some) from today to proclaim the Good News. Let’s remember that Luther and Wesley set their words to bar tunes! And their hymns along with St. Ephrem’s are some of the finest. Let’s do the same…with an eye always to the Good News.

The other tendency, I would encounter is a willingness to dismiss everything from the past as unjust. Now, I understand that impulse, really, I do, given my own context. Some practices from the past are unjust, but surely not all? And are we anymore just today? Our worship brings us all to face ourselves as “not, righteous, no not one.”(Romans 3:10) I constantly found myself reminding others that worship is not a community organizing event, or if it is, our organizing is to offer our sacrifice of thanks and praise to G-d and go forth into the world doing the same in all things.

Neither, nor satisfies (me) when I give pause to think (and not fly off the handle).

I am unwilling to simply set aside the good work of our ancestors in the faith without doing the work they did working with Scripture, Tradition(s), practices, languages and language, context and culture, and so forth, when offering new materials to proclaim and practice the Good News of Christ Jesus. And I recognize, that even when I so do, I will likely miss something, even as they did. A hermeneutic of graciousness toward our ancestors in the faith is in order to balance our too-quick modern tendency toward dismissal and suspicion, which I admit to.

I’m not opposed to experimentation, but I’m careful to ask some questions of any prayer, canon, rite, hymn I may compose, especially for public use. Ultimately, our work with G-d in worship practices us into the very accounting of our hope, Christ Jesus. (see 1 Peter 3:15) So creativity is a serious undertaking.

I am also a child of the 20th century. The gap that the Reformation Fathers posited between the first four centuries (or earlier, sometimes the Apostolic period) and the 16th century does not hold. I will not dismiss centuries of Medieval development simply because they did. Much of what we lost in their reforming zeal has returned in one form or another. With that said, I am cautious of reforming zeal generally right or left, giving heed to the words of Abba Isaac of Ninevah: The zealous have never experienced the Truth. I know that I have dismissed or harmed one or two persons in my lifetime because they did not fit my creed-o-meter test. I only learned to be more careful and loving when I found myself on the receiving end (for reasons that should be obvious here). Remember zealots for orthodoxy poisoned Arius on his way to recant.

Were I born in the 16th century, Erasmus of Rotterdam would have found my greatest sympathies. Reform. Yes. But let’s be wise enough not to trash ten centuries of our ancestors living Gospelly or throw out popular practices without giving them greater consideration for how they might in fact point to the Good News (Reassessments of English pieties and practices show a more Gospel-orientation to things like shew bread than Cranmer could recognize.) We come around again…

Places to Start

I shall never be a heretic; I may err in dispute, but I do not wish to decide anything finally; on the other hand, I am not bound by the opinions of men. (Martin Luther)

My Starting Point ALWAYS: The Good News of Jesus Christ. Of course, theologies on exactly what this means differ. I can recognize for example that Cranmer and Calvin sought to reform liturgies with the Good News in mind, even as I am less-than-satisfied with their conclusions about, say, Eucharist, and humbled by their enterprise liturgically and theologically, respectively. I can even recognize that Zwingli sought the same, but his theology of Eucharist is unacceptable to my mind, being too much stuck in the past (What Would Jesus Do?) when ours is a living encounter with Christ Crucified and Resurrected (What Is Jesus Doing?), being caught up ourselves into the Divine Love Life. Holy Andrei Rublev’s Old Testament Trinity says this better than words ever shall:



My Starting Practice ALWAYS: Prayer. Before I begin to compose a prayer, an anaphora, a rite, a hymn, or write an icon, I begin with prayer and sometimes singing (Ave Marias are a fav). Often, I also take up some form of fasting, be it one-meal-per-day, a meatless fast, a solidless fast, a fast from sex (with my partner’s consent; word to the wise, do not do this without your s.o.’s consent), television, sometimes several of these. Not because these are bad, au contraire, these are goods, but the Holy One is our summum bonum, and in preparing for such moments of inspiration, I have found that my attention is kept most directed toward the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit by remembering that nothing and no one else can finally satisfy. In the past, when writing icons, I have often also sought the Sacrament of Reconciliation as well (which tells you I haven’t written an icon for a while—with one exception). At the very least, I make a General Confession of sin, not to beat up on myself, but to remember, again, Who my focus is and to seek right relationship with the One in Whom I “live, move, and have my being”. (Acts 17:29)

Thoughts on Creativity

Kyrie, eleison.
Christe, eleison.
Kyrie, eleison.

I confess to almighty God,
and to you, my brothers and sisters,
that I have sinned through my own fault
in my thoughts and in my words,
in what I have done,
and in what I have failed to do;
and I ask blessed Mary, ever virgin,
all the angels and saints,
and you, my brothers and sisters,
to pray for me to the Lord our God.
May almighty God have mercy on us,
forgive us our sins,
and bring us to everlasting life.
Amen.

(A Pentitential Rite of the Roman Catholic Church that I love.)

1) Liturgical language is poetic prose (and hence, the failure of the NRSV, in my opinion, as a liturgical edition of Holy Writ). It is primarily rhetorical or conversational, not merely dialogic or didactic. By rhetorical, I mean that a final singular meaning is always deferred to other points of meaning, so that a rich complexity of meanings is communicated and never finally grasped. Hence, the variety of metaphors and symbols raised up at various times in the historical life of the Church—all speaking of the Truth of Jesus Christ from various points (Jaroslav Pelikan’s work is excellent on this score). And hence, the variety of inspiration people walk away with as they go forth to do the work they are called to do as members of the Body.

By conversational, I mean that we are speaking with one another and with G-d. A variety of voices are in play, not just priest/pastor and people. Theologians, including Cranmer and Luther at times, sometimes (no oftentimes) make the mistake of thinking of liturgy as didactic. It is, but not in the same way that a lecture is. The teaching is multivalent, communicated through words, sounds, music, movements, silence, imagery, sacraments, and above all else, the actual practice of the meanings—hence, the centrality of our work with G-d…this is our very practice into, our participation in G-d’s Reign. A reduction to an orthodox systematic in prayer will not do. This is one trajectory we tend to go in modern constructions. And the Reformation forced both the Reformers and the Tridentines to do the same. We are still recovering from either/or thinking on many points on that score, including Eucharistic theology. The result is often flat, poor in imagery, orthodox, but not worshipful or fully appreciative of the breadth of the Tradition allowing others to tease out the parabolic and paradoxical variety that is true orthodoxy. And often prosaic but not poetic in phrasing. As Holy Irenaeus put it so well: “Our way of thinking is attuned to the Eucharist, and the Eucharist in turn confirms our way of thinking.” I go a step further, our way of doing is attuned to the doing of Eucharist, and the our doing of Eucharist in turn confirms our way of doing.

2) Do not compose a new canon, rite, hymn, prayer and immediately put it to use—the Reformer’s sometimes made this mistake, and certainly, we do. Let it sit, pray it aloud again and again with the movements involved in the space to be used. What does the piece say bodily? How does it feel? Is the language felicitous? Is the piece beautiful? What does it say theologically in word and deed? How does it point to the Good News of Jesus Christ? No, practice us into that Good News of Jesus Christ? If you are finally satisfied, have an evening in the life of the parish that is experimental worship night (see comments below). Pray it. Seek feedback. As theology is communal, so especially is our practiced faith in worship. How does it strike others bodily, aurally, theologically, linguistically, musically, and so forth. How does it intersect with points in Holy Writ and Tradition?

3) Be careful in changing traditional elements, like say the Sanctus. A variety of Sancti do exist in the Tradition. Some anaphorae, for example, have a Sanctus without the Benedictus (Addai and Mari, III Peter, St. Mark?), or the wording may vary as the Tradition was both Scriptural and oral at the time of their composition and insertion at a variety of points in anaphorae. But, consider, local custom. In ECUSA, for example, a Sanctus without Benedictus would strike most as odd. I wouldn’t recommend such a change for principle Sunday Eucharist (see comments below).

Theological and Historical Concerns

”We proclaim Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God” (1 Corinthians 1:22-24)

1) Does this experiment in word and deed seek first and foremost to practice us, participate us into the Good News of Jesus Christ? Is this experiment in word and deed consistent with the agreed upon theological norms of our tradition? This is messy for Anglicans, so, is this experiment consistent with basic dogma of the Christian faith as set forth in the Nicene-Constantinopolitan creed and the agreements of the Oecumenical Councils?

2) Does this experiment duly take care for the variety within the Tradition and draw upon these? Contra some repristinator’s, the Tradition of liturgies is quite a bit more diverse than may be realized, partially due to the nature by which various rites came together and variety of cultures and contexts. So, for example, the Anaphora of St. Mark used by the Coptic and Ethiopic communities has two epicleses and ends with the Sanctus before communing (Luther did a similar thing in one of his compositions—quite powerful actually). The East Syrian tradition of baptism and chrismation was focused on our becoming royal persons rebirthed. So the oil rite precedes the water rite, and is the central focus, as we are anointed as sons and daughters of the Most High. No exorcisms as in the Roman/North African/Ambrosian traditions. While the Roman/North African/Ambrosian traditions emphasized the Pauline “death and resurrection” theme, the East Syrian emphasized the “baptism in the Jordan” theme. Some lessons follow from this:
a) What themes can we draw upon from Scripture?
b) What variety in orders do we find in the Tradition that are akin to our creativity? Can we utilize these?
c) What is the general consensus theologically on a given issue, say Eucharist, in our tradition?
d) If we are disposed to use other language does this language adequately communicate the Great Mystery in the same way traditional language does, however limited our language may be, as Nazianzus recognized? I am not opposed to inclusive language, but “God” “God” “God” won’t do. Which God? Or, for example, in considering “Father, Son, and Holy Spirit”, I have heard “Creator, Redeemer, Sustainer” as a substitute. These are not theological equivalents! One is relational, the other is attributes or characteristics or modes of all three persons of the Holy Trinity, and bespeaks modalism not relationship. One could say, “Creator, Redeemer, Sustainer, one God” which is true, but does it invite us into the relational dynamic of the Holy Trinity in the same way as Rublev's icon (do note the gender indeterminancy of the Three)? I would say not. Sr. Elizabeth Johnson and the later Catherine LaCugna have more cogent thoughts on such changes from Catholic feminist perspectives. I’m probably going to get clobbered for this, but I am careful with the traditional Trinitarian formula, as I've seen few equivalents theologically, and it does connect us with our past. I am also theolgically astute enough to listen to the witness of Nazianzus who scoffed at those who would take these pointers too literally. Our langauge is always limited, and cannot ever fully capture G-d. To say otherwise, is well the "h" word. I also take into consideration both the actions of Pope St. Stephen and (earlier St. Clement of Alexandria) in accepting Christians baptized under other formulae (Apparently "Gnostic" formulae. I also remember that the earliest Christians may have been baptized in the name of Jesus.) Holy Stephen writes contra St. Cyprian of Carthage, in this famous bapitism controversy. This is the controversy from which we get Cyprian's words, extra ecclesiam nulla salus (Outside the church there is no salvation.). I'm sure the linguistic and theological search will continue. But until then, I will work to the best of my ability to see that my sisters are actually treated equally in daily and ecclesial life—which the radicality of the fully-developed dogma of the Holy Trinity actually points to contra some who would use this dogma to assert the superiority of men!

3) Lex orandi, lex credendi? This phrase has become popularized in recent years, first given emphasis by Aidan Kavanaugh following Vatican II. I use it cautiously. Why? Because the technical phrase firstly relates to a specific historical circumstance (just as Holy Cyprian’s words). I want to understand that context before I let the phrase become a dictum though I recognize in both cases these have obtained meanings outside their original context. The actual phrasing is from Prosper of Aquitaine, who writes Ut legem credendi lex statuat supplicandi (The law of supplication founds the law of belief.). He is referring to a defense of Holy Augustine of Hippo against Bishop Julian of Eclanum in the Pelagian controversy, and pointing to the fact that the pleading of the people to Christ demonstates the late (as opposed to earlier) Augustine’s understanding of salvation by grace (Remember, I am more akin to Holy John Cassian, who provided perhaps the most subtle and thoughtful rebuttal to some of Augustine’s more severe positions on grace, a rebuttal that prefigured the Council of Orange in 529 A.D. and Holy Thomas Aquinas—whom Julian also prefigured by the way, and I’m more in tune with the paradoxical and synergistic understanding of the Eastern Church. Recent developments among Lutherans in dialogue with the Orthodox have highlighted the subtleties of Luther and Melancthon’s thinking on justification and sanctification.).

The dictum also has limited usefulness because in the history of liturgy, this has worked both ways. Holy Basil the Great’s reworking of the liturgy in line with Cappadocian Trinitarian theology, the completion of Holy Athanasius’ work, giving us the Nicene-Constantinopolitan creed, is a theological reworking. So also, lex credendi, lex orandi as Pope Paul VI asserted in response to the more familiar motto. Holy Basil changes the biblical Trinitarian formula from “to the Father through the Son in the Holy Spirit” to “of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit.” The biblical expression itself did not finally express adequately the relational perichoresis of the Holy Trinity needed to undo Arianism and Apollinarianism and Sabellianism, so Holy Basil made the appropriate changes. The Reformers, of course, redirected liturgy almost entirely from this side, sometimes unfortunately, in my opinion, neglecting the richness and variety of Medieval practices many of which we’ve recovered in some limited form thanks to the Tractarians, for example.

4) An experimental practice should be considered a practice in extremis. This practice is neither the norm, nor normative. So, using donut holes and milk or Coke and Dorritos at Sunday Eucharist is out. How after all does junk food elements speak outwardly and materially to our participation in the Body and Blood of Christ, our true nourishmen? Not very well. In extremis, in a prison, say, you are a visiting chaplain and a dying man requests communion, and that’s all that’s available, I’ll bend, pause, breathe--this is a Gospel and pastoral moment. More appropriately, a priest/pastor would have a communion kit with her or him on such occasions always at the ready. Inculturation issues become trickier on this score, though some might not see this sans actual missionary work. For example, my brother’s partner is Iñuit. Their traditional diet consists of Seal, Walrus, Whale, Caribou, Salmon, kelp, and some tundra berries in summer. Bread is positively foreign to her culture, and not easily digestible. Wine is a huge no-no, as her people have very little genetic tolerance for alcohol. So how does using bread and wine leaven that of Christ in her culture challenging and transforming and reshaping in ongoing conversion? It doesn’t, or not very well. And with the exception of some elders forcibly converted by missionaries, Christianity is a bust among her people, except for Pentecostalism. Again, the emphasis that I can appreciate in the Reformers is everything for the Gospel of Jesus Christ… Think about it? What would you do? What is Jesus doing?

5) Other prayers? Fr. Robert Taft, SJ has done perhaps the most useful work on at least one pagan prayer. The Phos Hilaron, one of my favorite prayers, is the “baptized” version of a pagan prayer form at the lighting of the evening lamp. Indeed, the entire practice is “baptized”, including the lighting of the lamps. Again, we have the work, likely of the Cappadocian fathers and mothers in this retooling. What is important in this retooling (remembering that the more sophisticated such as Origen, St. Clement of Alexandria, the Cappadocians, and St. Gregory the Great were willing to “baptize” pagan philosophy and here even praying practices) is the redirection of the prayer and practice in toto toward the Light of the World, Jesus Christ.

Should prayers from other faith traditions ever be used? Perhaps. But with very careful attention that the re-vision is toward Jesus Christ, after all, our earliest Eucharistic prayers are re-tooled forms of Jewish meal prayers of various sorts (see the Didache, Chapters 9 and 10). In general, however, I caution the tinkerer against this. I appreciate the wisdom to be found in religious traditions; however, I also appreciate that I am a Christian, that I am not a Jew, a Buddhist, a Muslim, a Native American (of course, inculturation can apply here IF done by Native Americans!), so to appropriate another tradition willy nilly is a hidden form of colonialism in many cases, and all too unhappy an occurrence in seminaries these day amongst those who have not yet come to fully appreciate their own Christian faith and its richness. And importantly, note that the Cappadocians’ redirection works from within a Christian theological framework. So hear the words of Pope St. Gregory the Great (watch words in my own struggles with inculturation):

Tell Augustine that he should by no means destroy the temples of the gods but rather the idols within those temples. Let him, after he purified them with holy water, place altars and relics of the saints in them. For, if those temples are well built, they should be converted from the worship of demons to the service of the true God. Thus, seeing that their places of worship are not destroyed, the people will banish error from their hearts and come to places familiar and dear to them in acknowledgement and worship of the true God. Further, since it has been their custom to slaughter oxen in sacrifice to the demons, they should receive some solemnity in exchange. Let them, therefore, on the day of the dedication of their churches, or on the feast of those martyrs whose relics are preserved in them build themselves huts around their one-time temples and celebrate the occasion with religious feasting. They will sacrifice and eat the animals not any more as an offering to the Devil, but for the glory of God, to whom, as the giver of all things, they will give thanks for having been satisfied. Thus, if they are not deprived of all the exterior joys, they will more easily taste the interior ones. For surely it is impossible to efface everything all at once from their minds, just as, when someone wishes to reach the top of a mountain, he must climb by stages and step by step, not by leaps and bounds. Mention this then to our brother the bishop, that he may dispose of the matter as he sees fit according to the conditions of time and place.

Cultural and Contextual

1) Remember that culture does in fact shape the way we worship and experience worship. Christmas trees and May Pole celebrations and Marzipan goodies common in Northern Europe to this day have pagan roots, baptized so long ago, we take them for granted as Christian. In many places where Christianity is still inculturating, this process is still underway. Time with the grace of the Holy Spirit, I trust, will sift through what is edifying and what is not. What feels dignified to us, may not in fact feel dignified to a Tanzanian. Hence, the beauty of having national churches that allow for differences amongst us and that also permit internal flexibility given cultural tastes and differences. Again, what feels dignified to white folk, may not for black folk. Some flexibility is key if our emphasis is the Good News.

2) Inculturation is a messy process and sometimes swings to and fro. If you are involved in inculturing the Christian faith, as I am, expect to live with tensions, be wrong, and admit error. For example, witness this
attempt. Interesting, admirable, but I don’t’ find it fully satisfying for a number of the above criteria, but this spurs me on to offer alternatives without getting overly hostile or dismissive.

Pastoral Considerations

1) Canons do have a purpose. And sometimes, they do need amendment. However, they also may serve a community-preserving function. Consider that the canons of the Episcopal Church call for the use of Prayer Book worship for the principle Sunday Eucharist. This canon serves a holy purpose in my opinion. The principle worship should be one that capably unites a broad range of Episcopalians from liberal to conservative, high church to low church, Evangelical and Anglo-catholic, gay and straight, through, well, authorized common prayer, prayers agreed upon generally, so that no matter where I find myself, rather in San Francisco or Des Moines, I can walk through the door and be able to enter fully into the liturgy with minimal difficulty, regardless of how I might be otherwise received in the community. The point is nourishment for returning to my Gospel work in the world. Even if the worshipping community is hostile to my person, Christ in Word and Sacrament is not. And I shouldn’t have to learn an entirely new rite on top of everything else just to get fed!

2) Holy seasons like the Advent-Christmas and Lent-Easter cycles are often times when people seek a traditional service. And many of the Body, who only darken the door of a church during these times, will want to find that rhythm they remember, not something new and unfamiliar. This is not the time for major experimentation. This is also a moment to be with those of the Body who have been away. To pastor them be your order clergy or lay. Do so. Find out why they may have been away. Welcome their presence. After all, they may be the greatest followers of Christ among us, having been doing the work of Christ in the world while we’ve been wrapped up our internal bickering and institution maintenance. And their Gospel work may be as simple (not!) as raising a child and going to work and setting up a loving household.

3) Repetitive does not equal uncreative. Creativity is to be lauded, but please do not get caught up in the need to do something new every Sunday. Many celebrants, myself included, appreciate the regular rhythm in word and body that set rites provide. This gives us a connection with the past and allows us to easily slip into a prayerful and worshipful mindset to do the work we have gathered to do. Having to jump through new hoops every Sunday is a distraction from worship for many of us in set liturgical traditions. Some of us, like myself, chose a set tradition because we find ourselves more easily able to worship as such (I was raised Pentecost. I know the value of good church order perhaps more than most.). Respect that, please. That doesn’t mean do nothing new. But mindfully. Change a collect. Have others compose Prayers of the People (this is a primary locus for creativity.). But consider regular rhythm not as boring but as useful in coming to the Mystery of Christ. Hence, my preference is to maintain the regular lineup. Change the Hymn of the Day. But let us have our Agnus Dei or another appropriate piece. After all, as James Alison, OP points out, a certain amount of boring, is really the point. This is not a stadium event! This is our reorientation, putting on and practicing the mind of Christ.

4) If an experimental piece keeps people from the Lord’s Table because of conscience, it’s better to use it at a more appropriate time, like Wednesday Eucharist, or another weekday service that will not affect the gathering of the Body on Sunday (see point 1). Anyone sitting on a liturgy committee should be prepared to receive feedback on such matters and to offer regular educational opportunities to help us think through changes.

5) Consider having a Eucharist on a weekday devoted to experimental forms, a laboratory to test, refine, and get feedback.

6) Marriages and Holy Unions. And this may offend, but Holy Paul had some words to say about getting us all at the Table and suffering when another suffers, rejoicing when another rejoices. While technically, marriages can happen within the context of principle Sunday worship, and ideally, would. Pastorally, I would recommend refraining from doing so at this time. Why? Because at this point in history, for many queer folk, this comes across as a slap in the face, a show of heterosexual dominance of the Eucharist. And because of my own in extremis or occasional criterion, I would not ask that my brother-making ceremony or holy union happen in principle Sunday worship. A visitor might be among us on Sunday, who would not partake with us because we are celebrating the joining of two men (or under other circumstances, two women). Not ideal? I agree. But it’s a messy time in the Body of Christ, and we all must refrain from injuring one another unduly even as we live with conflicting consciences. This is the unhappy solution I recommend. This guideline keeps us all at the Table on Sunday, partaking sinners all, and that is where we must start if these dividing walls are ever to finally fall. And we can still celebrate these rites of passage, these participations in the Life of Christ, these vows of promise and covenant, and sacrament in the case of marriage (though I will quibble that my life too is such) any other day of the week or even Sunday at other times.

This may not satisfy every particular question or all folks, but this is the kind of processes and questions I ask when considering my own liturgical creativity and innovation, such as the brother-making ceremony found on May, 21 2005 and the initial reflection underlying it given on May, 16, 2005 that is rooted in reading and thought beyond the scope of this limited weblog.
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Friday, August 05, 2005

Conversion…

Derek has an interesting post going on about creative liturgy. In response, I’ll squeeze some thoughts in the weekend in between Dom Gregory Dix and Edward Kilmartin. So Coming Soon: “Who Let the Dogs Out: Some Guidelines for Liturgical Creativity.”

So, I write anyway…(I love to write. I have written at least five bits since I quite posting) though the number of posts will be fewer these next weeks as I prepare for my third exam addressing questions on the Anaphora of Addai and Mari and Archbishop Cranmer’s Eucharistic reforms and theology (I’ll be posting on both of these; it helps me think through my anwers), find a room, start a new position, transition out of old positions, begin a new program, pray, maintain family life, and have time for recreation (okay, that’s is a lot—too much—going on and that is what retreats are for, to reassess and re-prioritize):

I’ve been blathering on about going on retreat for over a year. Sometimes, I don’t heed my own sense until the need becomes pressing. The retreat is scheduled. I’ll be seeing a Franciscan friar for direction and taking three much-needed days to pray, meditate, reflect, read Countryman’s new book on eros and Christianity, and wrestle with discernment around faith, Jesus, Church, relationship, belonging, scheduling.

Starting an MFT program this fall affords me with an opportunity. Hours in therapy count toward licensure hours, so I’d be foolish not to seek therapy.

Many of my issues, however, are intertwined with my faith, specifically about being gay and Christian, and I’ve never really pursued those in a therapy setting because the possibility of doing so in a supportive Christian environment is rare. Most Christian counseling is anti-gay. Sure, I went to seminary, I read theology, I read queer theologies and writings, I pray, I go to the sacraments, I live, but to be in conversation about this in a loving Christian environment would be invaluable in setting me on my way toward loving myself. That is after all what I would like to do with others, but to do that, I need to do that first with myself.

Once,

I must say, my first experience of therapy was a mixed blessing. At 19, working through growing up in a PTSD household with the intermittent rages, verbal, emotional, and physical abuse, and later, alcoholism. Especially, given that I was the truthteller, voiceless though I felt myself to be. But the therapist, a nurse practitioner, was also an Evangelical Christian, and when she began pressing if I was homosexual, and she informed me she had good treatments if that was the case, I closed off, and eventually left therapy. I felt unsafe. This delayed my coming out process for three years, unfortunately, because many of my depressive issues revolved around being homosexual and not dealing. Instead, I tried very hard to work toward becoming a monk or priest. I nearly succeeded.

Twice,

My next experience of therapy was during the coming out process. The therapist, once Foursquare Gospel herself, did her best to help me navigate the process with the importance that faith brought for me, but being in a secular setting at the university, she couldn’t truly get into faith issues. She helped me move through my consideration of “more permanent solutions” using both faith and psychological perspectives, however, and to stand up for myself to many family members--not an easy task--when I started dating. But my priest, himself gay, whom she referred me to on my faith questions, simply sat me down at breakfast and said, “Well. The Catechism says, blah, blah, blah….You don’t just want to be gay. You’re less than the ideal.” That was the moment when I walked away from the Roman Catholic Church for keeps.

Three Times

Third time’s a Charm? On Tuesday, I was referred to an excellent therapist who is also a Lutheran pastor and spiritual director. I know of two or three other possibilities as well, depending on fee and scale. The trick is finding a Christian therapist who isn’t anti-gay and who is willing to talk about faith issues and psychology together. To finally have someone who integrates psychology and Christian faith and contemplative living may be just what is in order. Confession was good in naming patterns and repenting of them, but then begins the long work of conversion.

A Lifelong Process

In the Benedictine tradition, conversion is one of the vows that a monastic takes, along with stability, chastity, and obedience. Conversion is a process, and for each of us this is different. Unfortunately much of the Tradition is written from perspectives that do not address issues of minority persons (or majority in the case of women), our struggles with self-worth, our bodiliness in approaching life, and name what Sr. Laura Swan, OSB calls as a key understanding of Original Sin for us, self-hatred. I find myself often more akin to the writings of women in these areas, especially concerning issues of pride and whatnot. So I’ve been asked to list areas which I would like to address:

-Self-esteem issues: Conversations here and with my priest and fellow parishioners and with those who asked me to work at the seminary and with my friends in the Bay Area and in Eugene and with my BF have demonstrated relationally for me that I do not see myself the way others and G-d see me. This is the true value of community at its best, and highlights also how community can destroy. My being hard on myself stems from a sense of worthlessness and not belonging (and the evidence suggests otherwise at least in my daily, particular life sans the meta-scale);

-Anger: Not so much how to express anger, because I can do that, but how to be okay with being angry even if I express myself less than ideally and also how to learn skills to handle the anger of others more positively;

-Sensitivity: How to better navigate, not eliminate or bury, being sensitive. Though formed in a crucible of unexpected rage events, (constant fury in a household actually sensitizes children, contrary to popular myths that think desensitization will result) being sensitive is central to how I minister with others and remain open to the Spirit in listening and being present, so working on seeing this and using this as an unintended blessing and gift is key and holding back from letting it get the best of me at times;

-Present Circumstances: How to navigate these without them overwhelming my faith or sense of worth or lingering in resentment, but giving thanks even in this, especially as our process unfolds this next year and we prepare to live more freely;

-Calling: I realize I have very deep ambivalence toward continuing my doctoral program in liturgy and church history (a program I started before spiritual direction), not because I don’t enjoy learning and reading and teaching and writing about these, but because I chose this program partially for fear reasons, because as a layman, I will likely never be hired to teach liturgy in a seminary setting (ordination is almost required), because as a partnered gay man, I will likely never be hired to teach liturgy in a seminary setting (we’re just not ready yet for that).

Is this setting limits on what G-d can make possible? I don’t know. Does this program serve my calling in some way I do not yet perceive? And if so, how? My comps will be completed at the latest by next March (I’m taking my time.), so I have time to get clear about my ambivalence. But one way or another, I need to re-envision this program or I need to let it go.

More on calling. The vision for a Benedictine house has now begun taking on a life of its own. Which I will post on later…

Gospel Vision

We're not ready yet for that. That sums up a large part of my relationship with institutional Church. But must I let that contrict my vision for living a Gospel life? I think not. I've let others constrict my vision, reducing me to my sexuality, admittedly important, when it's part of a larger package.

The BF handed me the latest copy of thECable, a newsletter of Evangelicals Concerned. “You should read this,” he said. I scoffed. “I’m not Evangelical!” Then I read the first article, “On Becoming A Christian” by Dr. J.A.H. Futterman . These words stood out for me:

“If the loaves and fishes can be taken as a metaphor for God’s Love, we seem to be anxiously counting our portion rather than giving generously to the multitude.”

For me, that’s the direction I want to lead my life, a life given generously as an icon, however flawed and partial, of God’s love. This is a metaphor and more, an event of the inbreaking of God’s Love bringing to completion what truly human being looks like. In blessing broken bits and pieces and giving thanks, love multiplies, catching us up in Christ.
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Wednesday, August 03, 2005

On Retreat

After my response to some comments on my post “Either Or Sucks”, and talking with my BF about our game plan in moving on and my emotional reactions to that as well, I realize that something is wrong with me.

Clearly, my unleashing on Derek, Joe S., and lutherpunk is in the opposite spirit of my post.

The constant media attention on lgbt folk, especially in ECUSA, coupled with my current circumstances and unresolved questions keeps me from naming my blessings: 1) I have a welcoming parish, 2) I have a welcoming Benedictine community, 3) I have a partner, 4) I have good work, 5) I eat, et cetera. I get focused on the wider Communion and Church because I do care, but for now, I simply need to let that be and stay with the particulars and focus on long-term goals.

And it keeps me focused unhealthily on sexuality and casting about for fear of not belonging. This is clearly a spiritual problem. Talking with the BF, it is clear that a deeper struggle with not belonging underlies all of my questions around Christianity and sexuality, and it is time to face that head on. Because of this, I often give other voices too much credence as I cast about for acceptance (despite what my words sometimes otherwise suggest). So I’ve scheduled a directed retreat for the upcoming month to do some self-work in Christ.

In the mean time, I am on retreat from blogging until mid-September. Truly. I will continue to lurk, but unless I’m intrigued, I will not be commenting either, especially with regard to matters that intersect sexuality and Church.

Though I know they will say otherwise, I attacked Derek, Joe S., and lutherpunk as heterosexual men, which violates my own policy of greeting others as Christ and of avoiding making such attacks on who another person is. I experienced such attacks at seminary myself, and now I’ve returned the favor. To you, I ask forgiveness. I bow before that of Christ in Thee.
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All you creatures of G-d, praise Him!

Amanda over at Of the Best Stuff, but Plain has an interesting post on what appears to be recent love-life troubles and her struggles in love and boundaries. She asks hard questions. One wise person offered snippets of this powerful Mary Oliver poem, I simply could not resist posting in full:

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.


© Mary Oliver. Online Source.
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What Say You?

Joe S. has a fine posting on "Why are We Together?" using the latest installment of Harry Potter as his touchstone.

Damien has an absolutely hilarious piece, "Things You Need to Know" about the complexity of sexual dimorphism in humans.

Derek offers living with creative and active cognitivie dissonance as a way to hold the truth of the creeds in tension with science.

Guy Dads are on holiday in England. Fine pics.

Water Colour Boy offers some thoughts on the plane crash in France, many pics (explicit), and his line that won him a Patrick Devon t-shirt. Congrats!

bls considers the game of basketball as a window on current events. And she has a Californian Southern recipe for chicken smothered and gravy that will make your mouth water. She also has some fine thoughts on the subtleties of Anglicanism and the delayed meanings of ritual (how Catherine Bell!).

Simeon offers some thoughts on the latest moves in the Anglican Communion. Two Popes in Alexandria. I'm sure Pope Shenouda wouldn't be pleased to have a competitor Pope Peter (for those that don't know, the traditional Coptic Patriarch of Alexandria is also called "Pope"; he leads a growing Non-Chalcedonian community that is at least 10% of Egypt's population.)

Nathan will be fasting and praying for the ELCA as we again put lgbt people through another "faggot bash", to quote the Rev. William Countryman. I'll be joining him. Takers?

J-Tron is marketing a new game. Anglican Risk. As we all agreed, the purple most easily rules the world...hmmmm

Brian offers, a few posts back, the firey thoughts of Giles Fisher on the latest fudge in the C of E.

lutherpunk ponders why the ELCA has lost members.
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Some Encouraging Words

From Holy Henri Nouwen, a man who wrestled his entire life with his homosexuality. Hurting quite many of his gay students in his teaching days at Harvard, he longed for human intimacy never really received which only heightened his neuroses. Coming to love himself in his last years in his work at Daybreak, he came to us all as a great prophet and healer, and he closed his life with words of loving support and encouragement for his own queer people. (Short biography here)

Waiting to Hear Jesus

You are looking for ways to meet Jesus. You are trying to meet him not only in your mind but also in your body. You seek his affection, and you know that this affection involved his body as well as yours. He became flesh for you so that you could encounter him in the flesh and receive his love in the flesh.

But something remains in you that prevents this meeting. There is still a lot of shame and guilt stuck away in your body, blocking the presence of Jesus. You do not fully feel at home in your body; you look down on it as if it were not a good enough, beautiful enough, or pure enough place to meet Jesus.

When you look attentively at your life, you will see how filled it has been with fears, especially fears of people in authority: your parents, your teachers, your bishops, your spiritual guides, even your friends. You never felt equal to them and kept putting yourself down in front of them. For most of your life, you have felt as if you needed their permission to be yourself.

Think about Jesus. He was totally free before the authorities of his time. He told people not to be guided by the behavior of the scribes and Pharisees. Jesus cam among us as an equal, a brother. He broke down pyrimidal structures of relationship between God and people as well as those among people and offered a new model: the circle, where God lives in full solidarity with the people and the people with one another.

You will not be able to meet Jesus in your body while your body remains full of doubts and fears. Jesus came to free your from these bonds and to create in you a space where you can be with him. He wants you to live the freedom onf the children of God.
(Henri Nouwen, Jesus: A Gospel, 27-8)
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Tuesday, August 02, 2005

What Flies Under the Radar

News like this seems to fly under the radar a lot these days. Though this is said to be ready to help. Personally, I find the thought of constant surveillance truly frightening:

Unmanned Aerial Vehicles (UAVs) patrol innocuous-looking skies and silently report back streams of strategically important data, video, and images from locations around the world.

They are the ultimate Earth watchers.

It is believed that up to 800 remotely piloted aircraft are in operation in Iraq and Afghanistan.

But observing Earth from afar is not just about battlefields and spy missions, the type usually done by expensive and heavy craft like the US's Predator drone. UAVs are increasingly being recruited to carry out more humanitarian missions, from the stratosphere.


Niger is undergoing a severe drought coupled with plagues of locusts. This is the first I've heard of it, though apparently NPR and Deutsche Welle ran something this morning.

Long term solutions are called for by aid workers:

They warn, too, of the consequences of the continued failure to address the root causes.

Their report concludes: "Without a similar commitment and prolonged attention to addressing the chronic issues that are at the heart of the current localised crisis in Niger, the same problems will reoccur again soon."


Climate change in the sub-suhara resulting in part from the residual effects of florochlorocarbons that shifted rain patterns in the region, long-term drought and desertification seem to have contributed as well.

I recommend Lutheran World Relief for my money. Lutherans are quiet about it, that culture of modesty thing, but this is one of the finest aid organizations in the world.
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Either Or Sucks

Dear brothers and sisters in Christ,

I’m perplexed. I must admit. Why is it that in the Episcopal Church, too much of our attention is given the Spong(e)s and the Virtues? And I don’t mean sea critters and faith, hope, and love.

Why is it we continue to speak of "two sides"? When we speak as such, we set ourselves up on “higher” ground that hides that 1) we struggle, or 2) we have points-of-view, or 3) our thinking is contexted, not objective, or 4) we too are sinners occasioning schism by our lack of charity, or 5) we are not neutral, and our “neutrality” is no guarantor of not sinning against another during a critical juncture in our life together. We may hold it together by our “neutrality” and scandalize another to the loss of his or her faith. No, we have more than two sides, supposedly the genius of our tradition, and many of us are multifaceted.

Take myself. I tend toward a seamless, consistent life ethic with a pastoral bent. I recognize that we make hard choices in life, and sometimes we have to weigh options without clear knowledge of which is best or we have to valuate which option among many, all unappealing, is the better option under the circumstances. I also know that if we come to discover we’ve made a choice that harms others or ourselves or our relationship with G-d, the G-d I know and worship in Jesus Christ offers us ample opportunity to turn and begin again. Mine is a faith willing to admit to being mistaken. Being able to admit to being mistaken frees us to live, as James Alison, OP makes so abundantly clear in his writings.

So, honestly, my wrestling with any ethical issue involves a whole lot more than simple dismissal or retreat from new insights. I love Holy Scripture. I’ve probably read the Bible more times than most Episcopalians. I read more Tradition than most do in a lifetime. My reason may be my greatest downfall, but only if logic is the only test of Reason. I look for principles, virtues, values that undergird passages, texts, thoughts as well as consider literal meanings. How do these play out, how do they treat others as myself, does this open or close the Good News to the sister or brother anxiously standing before me?

I do know that we cannot go wrong by speaking kindly, praying for one another, eating together, or remaining silent if we cannot say anything at all nice, to quote my great grandmother. And even when I disagree with someone, as I put it to a commenter a few posts back, “here we tend to keep it kindly”.

Regardless of my wrestling with an ethical issue, theologically I’m fairly conservative. I can say the creeds without crossing my fingers, I’m hesitant to mess with the liturgy without careful attention to what we’re saying and drawing upon the works of our ancestors in the faith to keep us honest, I’m probably most akin to Moltmann and Lossky and Williams and Underhill, but being a good Anglican Christian, you’ll probably never be able to pin me in or down because my deepest conservatism affirms that no matter what we say about G-d (and our creeds are apophatic in nature, excluding rather more certain conclusions than saying G-d “is”), our saying always will be limited, so please be careful not to take the Lord’s name in vain in marching off as to battle. As Joe S. put it so nicely, we have sign- not hitching posts. And the greatest of these is love.

But it seems that doesn’t matter in our current media and self-presentations in our infighting. And I’ve grown just as weary of “two sides” as I have of “reappraisers” and “reasserters”. Why? Because I’m automatically lumped into one side merely because I happen to be gay and because I happen to think that doing gay can be okay and fine and holy within the confines of monogamous commitment. Huh?

As if I came to that conclusion without some serious work and a lot of painful wrestling that moved beyond dichotomies in search of conversations and integrations and syntheses that honor my sexuality and my faith. That seeks to take seriously the love of G-d I have met in Jesus Christ, but have met too little within the confines of the Church.

I guess I just wish we could stop attaching one’s conclusion on a particular ethical issue {Ahem. Homosexuality.} to how we line up on the theological spectrum to ask deeper questions of our faith and tradition beyond the obvious that we’re doing something different. Especially, in a tradition that claims the Reformation as part of its tradition. Break with tradition is also a part of our tradition.

I find myself equally dissatisfied with the "don't rock the boat", "throw the baby out with the bathwater", and the "tradition never changes" responses. I want a little more engagement beyond the pro-gay unions = heterodox, anti-gay unions = orthodox; pro-gay unions = just, anti-gay unions = unjust. Is that honestly the best we can offer? If gay unions are acceptable, surely it is because they are orthodox, they somehow correct our vision or clarify what we understand to be most True?

And if we’re something like pro-gay unions and orthodox, but wanting to keep it together, we’ve still taken a side on the multifaceted Body we call the Episcopal Church, USA. The question becomes not are there sides, or have we taken one, but is there charity, do we love? Are we going to continue regardless of the side we’ve taken to pour ourselves out for the life of the world?

So, I pray that regardless, we might still join one another at the Table, sinners all around, partake of the Blessed Sacrament, and above all else, love one another with upbuilding words and embrace. But perhaps we are beyond change?


Your brother in Christ,
*Christopher
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A School for God’s Service

From the first post to this blog:

In the prologue to his Rule, St. Benedict writes: Constituenda est ergo nobis dominici schola servitii (We intend to establish therefore a school for God's service). Benedict's school is not merely an academic exercise, but a place of practice and training and drill--an incarnated way of living. In the Roman world, the word schola often referred to military training. Benedict salvages, inverts, and revisions the term (and Roman cultural expectations!) for Gospel purposes. Hopefully, we can do the same?

Lectio Divina

The P and I have been working on regular intentional communication as a part of our growth and healing. So, every other night, we set aside an hour or two to share our concerns, our thoughts, our struggles, our joys in non-argumentative direct communication (And we’ve come up with a chore list, probably our major source of contention outside of the pressures of Church.).

Last night we had a frank talk about principles and scandalizing our people by our lying, feeding them a false gospel because we are not living what we preach as an out male couple: “If ours is a vocation, it must be public as well as personal. It is never private. There is no private in Christianity. Sure, some personal matters we only share with one another or with our priest, but private is an Enlightenment concept foreign to Christianity. We cannot bifurcate our home and the rest of our lives much longer because we are in danger of scandalizing an upcoming generation that loves itself and will not brook half measures. They’re honest enough to say to Church “welcomes”: “Fuck you!” And as a counselor, I will not be a scandal to our people. We’re called to live truly Good News even if it costs.” One way or another this disingenuity and disintegrity is time-limited as we put everything in place for moving on. I quoted the Mahatma, “If co-operation is a duty, I hold that non-co-operation also under certain conditions is equally a duty.” The P responded, “What you said is good. It keeps me accountable, from dissembling.” I replied, “If there are two things I have learned from this experience 1) lies and dishonesty destroy AND 2) we always have choices in a situation, even though the right choice may cost us dearly. Grace is never cheap.

Your young men shall see visions

This morning, I shared my long-term dream for putting our gifts and education to use combining physical, psychololgical, and spiritual in a house of prayer, a Benedictine house nurtured on daily prayer, supported by our tentmaking at least in the beginning, our eventual public vows to one another shaped by the vows of Benedictine monastics, limited live-in community besides ourselves with a way to incorporate us all through vows and commitments, limited guest facilities, weekly service with others in the community. He squeezed my hand. “That is a beautiful vision. So few places combine the whole person in a Christian way. Let’s do that.”

What we hold in common

To have a vision in the midst of struggle changes everything. Especially, if that vision is for community, from the Latin, giving to one another. To shift our vision outward frees us to see the present moment as last rites into something new for the life of the world. And we can begin planning and learning and praying and seeking accordingly.

I often turn to men and women, sinner-saints far stronger than I, like Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Franz Jaegerstaetter, Corrie Ten Boom, Martin of Tours, Paul, Perpetua and Felicity, Sergius and Bacchus, John of the Cross, Martin Luther, Thomas Cranmer to intercede for us when either of us is struggling. They challenge me in this, our prison experience, to feel the anguish, to know the despair of the shadows, to walk on even if by feeling the walls, to touch those facing worse, to love anyway when bitterness or despair would threaten destruction.

Now with a vision for doing things differently as members of the Body, the sorrows of the moment have direction, and remind me to greet Christ in every person, in every task, in every moment:


Humans go to God in their dire needs,
begging for rescue, asking for bread and joy,
for deliverance from sickness, guilt, and death.
All of them do it, all of them, Christians and heathen.

Humans go to God in his dire needs,
find him poor, mocked, without shelter and bread,
see him entangled by sin, weakness, and death,
Christians stand by God in his suffering.

God goes to all people in their dire needs,
fills the body and soul with his bread,
dies for Christians and heathen the death on the cross,
and forgives them.

(Dietrich Bonhoeffer, July 8, 1944, from prison.)

And Derek makes a good point about #4--sand. Though all his sayin it has me asking all sorts of questions. Derek? ;-) Sand could add some unwanted friction. I hadn't thought of that. Well, I'll just has to plan carefully. I'm not giving up the idea of making love on the beach. It's a long shot anyway, it's hard enough to get the P to go around the house not fully-clad in PJ's.
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Monday, August 01, 2005

No respecter of persons

Sometimes in the midst of so much turmoil and bad news and suffering a little good news, a little encouragement, a little compassion is what is most needed. We feed ourselves on vitriol and argument and nastiness forgetting to greet one another as Christ, and the results cannot but confirm our worst fears and torments and anxieties. We forget to pray, we forget to offer a kind word, we forget our own Gospel work.

Sr. Jane Frances Brockman, OSB shares her understanding of the Rule in The Wisdom of the Benedictine Elders:

I think the basic value is that all people are the work of God's hands. We are all God's creation. We have the obligation to regard others as such. There is no basis for racial prejudice or any other kind of prejudice--people who might differ from our culture or accomplishments. There may be people who have smaller ambitions or expectations than we have or are not interested in the same things we are. We need to have respect for all people. They, too, are God's work.

....

I think the outside world is sometimes better than we give it credit for. Certainly there is materialism and indifference to pain and suffering of others. You see it so much in big business, where two companies will merge and thousands of people will be laid off. But, on the other hand, there is also so much good in the outside world. There are many people working to help those who are needy or disadvantaged or the working poor. There are people and organizations out there trying to help people better themselves. I'm impressed with the work that many people are doing in the outside world.
(30-1)


The virtue of hospitality is one deeply rooted in the desert faith of the wandering Hebrews, for to be inhospitable was to condemn another to death. When such condemnation to death dominated society through misuse of the cultus to justify luxury living and the neglect of the least, the outcries of the Spirit through the Prophets called for return to the way. In the malaise of a world having forgotten our completion in G-d, this hospitality is broken open for us fully in the life of Christ Jesus in whom we encounter G-d so hospitable to us, regardless of our person or condition, that She agrees to dwell through, with, and in us. And He sends us on our way to do the same with one another. This is G-d who touches the least of these and widens our hearts to work for the Trinitarian community in ways great and small.

A hospitable G-d finds us becoming a community hospitable to one another in our differences. Or so the theory goes. But too often, we find ourselves arguing, bickering, threatening over one or somewhat issue, forgetting weightier matters of compassion and kindness and hospitality and forebearance and kenosis. And the world shakes its head and goes its way scandalized by our sodomy. "See how those Christians love one another" takes on a rather bitterly sarcastic taste.

Benedictine living nips such interactions in the bud, encouraging hospitality by providing practical boundaries to our relating in speech, meals, disagreements, decisions, prayer, work, listening, failures, sins. Such measures preserve bonds of affection in times of strain.

We are sorely in need of such ground rules at this juncture, especially the grounding rule of common prayer through which we cannot escape the face of Christ in the other: conservative, liberal, moderate, radical, reactionary; gay, lesbian, bisexual, asexual, straight; high church, low church, broad church, Anglo-Catholic, Evangelical; male, female, transgender, intersexed; black, brown, yellow, white, red; rich, middle class, working class, poor; educated and not; temporarily abled and disabled; healthy and sick; married, united, single, vowed, cenobitic, erimitic, promiscuous, and whatnot.

And unlike our current gatherings, such grounded living doesn't close us off from the needs of one another, especially those most unlike ourselves, but finds a way to lift all before G-d in our sacrifice of praise and thanks. We learn ever-so-slowly to receive ourselves and one another as gifts from G-d. This is neither an activist, nor a contemplative vision, but a way of life rooted in prayer and sacramental living that neglects nothing and no one. All have gifts to share; prepare to see and taste. Indeed, as Sr. Brockman reminds us, we are better than we've behaved. The Rule can offer us practical guidelines for our improvement as hospitaler sinner-saints. May all who knock be embraced as sister, as brother, as Christ.

Give us peace in rest, O Lord; sustain us in your light;
Keep our dreams content, O Lord, and give our souls sweet respite,
that we might arise tomorrow, secure in your blessings. Amen.

(a prayer written for our youth retreat some years back)
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Inreach or Outreach: Out of the Depths, Part II

Sometimes I suffer from despair. I'm somewhat emotional, in case folks haven't noticed, and some of that is entirely understandable under the circumstances. It’s a trial for all who read here. But it’s better to say it out loud than keep it in, and I think it gives some insight into just what all of this Church politicking can do to flesh and blood.

Given all of the tumult in the Church, it seems we’re in danger of forgetting our call to Gospel work. Our missio Dei, as lutherpunk reminds. We'd rather fight about loving committed same sex couples both in the pew and in the pulpit than examine our own ways of living. We'd rather shred one another and scrap our institutions over homosexuality than over feeding the hungry, visiting the imprisoned, clothing the naked, uplifting the broken hearted. We'd rather not ask ourselves how we are falling short of Gospel living and work.

Damien is correct, I cannot please the liberals and the conservatives, the Evangelicals and the Catholics. I have to listen to that still small voice. The synthesis of being Christian and gay cannot come through words alone. That synthesis comes through daily trials and work and despair and rising again. So getting focused on who agrees or disagrees with how I live my life is futile and pulls me away from seeing Christ in the person before me or in the task at hand, though I would submit that I try very hard (and am too hard on myself) to live a life faithful to Christ given my limited freedom. I can question. I can converse. I cannot please. Or rather, I can only seek to be pleasing to G-d. And the rest of the Body will continue to throw bombs no matter what I do. But in the meantime, the world is still in need of knowing G-d’s love. So what can we, the P and I, do to be Church for those suffering, despairing, in travail, while the rest of the Body turns in upon itself? How can we with G-d’s grace turn the nail holes we’ve received into blessings for others?

Chris at Boy’s Briefs has posted on an article from Men’s Journal on his 99 Things to Accomplish before he dies. I don’t know that I’m ambitious enough to name 99 things to accomplish before I die. I can think of a few offhand in no particular order:

1) Make a pilgrimage to South Africa
2) Publish a book of poetry
3) Write an Icon of Hagia Hesychia
4) Make love on the beach after skinny dipping
5) Visit Monte Cassino
6) Publish a psalter
7) Live for several months in a monastery
8) Finally have a Holy Union ceremony
9) Hold hands with and kiss my P in public
10) Take dancing lessons, especially Latin American ones

Okay. That’s a start for now. More to come. Here is my vision. We both agree that living in the Northwest is our destination, G-d willing. Housing is much less expensive. My family is closer. Housing is much less expensive. It’s wonderfully green. Housing is much less expensive. I’ve lots of friends. Housing is much less expensive. We love the Northwest.

Over the next three years I will finish degrees in Marriage and Family Therapy and Liturgical Studies/Church History--I know ironies, ironies. My P will begin studying nursing, hopefully with a view toward becoming a nurse practitioner. We both have degrees in divinity and pastoral care training.

The Dream: Begin at first part-time to open a Benedictine house of prayer and limited community-living that provides at least once-per-week counseling and healing/nursing services for free to those in need in whichever Northwest city (Eugene, Portland, Seattle, Bellingham) we happen finally to land. The daily rhythm of prayer would undergird the entire vision and we could move our lives in a Gospel-work direction regardless of what the rest of the Body is doing. All of these cities have higher levels of homelessness and many people living below the poverty line. Of course, this would require grant-writing skills and such in the long-run, but why not put W’s faith-based approach to work in a more positive faith direction?

In the meantime, I’ve been offered and accepted a really cool job, that came out of nowhere, to work at the Lutheran seminary. Ironically. As I mentioned to bls,

And I find myself wondering why G-d blesses me….New program, new job, as if by taking steps to be more authentic, more honest to G-d and others, acting out of motives other than fear, stepping out on water? Okay. G-d. I'm learning...have patience with me.


This relieves all of my financial worries, but driving home, my first thought was giving thanks and my second thought was how do I take the overflowing blessing of so much more income (more than we need) and share that with others? With my parish by increasing my giving? And the P and I’ve discussed regular sharing with J, an elderly woman, in her eighties, and a good friend of his. She earns $700 a month from Social Security. She gets $10 in food stamps per month. She barely scrapes by. She lives in slummy housing and she’s looking for cheaper digs. And she gives and gives with little thought for herself. But we worry. She has little family, and those she has have little themselves, and her medicinal needs take a large portion of her income. So now, we can truly present the offer to share with her some portion as well. Thank you G-d!
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The Diamond that Cuts Through Illusion

"A Bodhisattva should practice virtue without regard to appearances, unsupported by sights, sounds, smells, tastes, tactile sensations or mental attachments. A Bodhisattva should practice virtue without attachment to externals. Why? This is the way to being Buddha." -Diamond Sutra

As an undergraduate at university, I studied a panapoly of Buddhist scriptures for a variety of required classes in religious studes. I often found fascinating intersections with mystical Christian teachings that opened my eyes to the wonders of this other way. The Diamond Sutra, a favorite of Thich Nhat Hahn, has always stood out for me because of its teachings on compassion and wisdom and virtue.

The goal in such a teaching is not just to become a Buddha, an enlightened one who crosses over to be no more, but to become a Bodhisattva, one who forgoes Nirvana to help all sentient beings might be liberated. The Bodhisattvas are they who forgo their own blessedness in self-emptying, that all might enter the fullness of bliss. They teach us that compassion is costly.

This summer, my class in personality theory featured some excellent psychological insights from a Buddhist perspective. They make sense, especially considering my penchant for meditation. And I've renewed my interest in Buddhist and Christian psychology, especially the conversation between these two ways of insight.

Of course, they intersect quite nicely in many respects with the teachings of folks I have long sought to follow because of their lived wisdom, the Desert Elders, Cassian, Benedict and Scholastica, with regard to silence, inner stirrings, demons, passions, virtues, community, seeking a middle way that at heart is grounded in loving one another as G-d has first loved us.

And such a loving often means trucking along without assurances, other than G-d loves us, practicing virtues that point toward and grow us in G-d's Shalom, G-d's Kingdom without any hope of reward. That is afterall, what it means to be justified by faith, to have faith at all. To practice love in the dark. Practicing in the face of being maligned and borne false witness against, of despair and even defeat. I must admit, I'm not there. I cave. I fear. I run away. But gazing upon the Crucifix and icon of the Madonna and Child in my office this morning, I find myself in tears before images that encapsulate for me what Bodhi love requires.

I have in the past sought the Way of Jesus in these quirky and wise men and women of the deserts and monasteries. Compassion and kenosis and hospitality have informed my understanding of Jesus' way, and often, I've had to go it alone in finding such an interpretation. Now, it would seem, I'm not alone. Many are seeking this Third Way Christianity between the certainties of fundamentalism and the emptiness of liberalism. If only I can stomach keeping to the path, I too might find my sight.

The diamond, of course, that cuts through our illusions is compassion. To see the world through the prism of all-encompassing love is to see the face of G-d. To see the fire of outpouring compassion in the sparks of a laden lemon tree. To take off my sandles and bow before the homeless man on the street. Imago Dei.

No greater way is there than this. It is after all, the very Law of the Universe. The fabric, the Logos who shapes us toward G-d is a compassionate and fiery heart, Sagrado Corazon de Jesus. Compassion is the very Heart of G-d. And Jesus teaches us, this compassion requires relationship, for that is the very essence of G-d. We cannot simply run off to our corners foresaking all others and expect to find the way.

Love others as one'sself. Do unto others as you would wish to have done unto you. Do not judge. Feed the hungry. Cover the naked. Visit the imprisoned. Comfort the sorrowful. Heal the afflicted. You are your brother's keeper. All are your neighbors. Bless those who persecute you. Love your enemies.

No specific faith content need be adherred to, espoused, or in this day and age, ranted or raved. Even agnostics and atheists can be great believers. Even heretics might cross the road to mete out compassion on the other side.

As the Dalai Lama puts it so well, "My religion is kindness." Now to that, I can offer no further reply. I can only firmly whisper, "Amen!"

Blessed art Thou, O God,
Merciful and Compassionate,
I return to Thee in fervent prayer,
Despair overruns my being,
Give me strength to love anyway,
Make my heart, like Thy heart, O Christ.
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Inreach or Outreach: Out of the Depths, Part I

While the ECLA foams at the mouth over sexuality issues in preparation for its upcoming Churchwide Assembly, a simple shrug is given to issues of world hunger and poverty, to the concern for the elderly, the outcast, the widow, the orphan, while the possibility of living faithfully with disagreement and conscience with regard to faithful monogamous same sex couplings, including those who serve to their last bone as pastors and pastors' partners, is the matter upon which this church apparently stands or falls. The same seems to go for ECUSA, it would appear to me.

Our values are gravely misplaced. And I’ve grown weary of being a topic for debate. No matter what I do, or how faithful I seek to be, I’m a whore left and right. I will never please the conservatives and many liberal allies come across as paternalistic and even a bit patronizing positing ideals without the structural supports to actually live those out. Were such a liberal priest to visit my home with such teaching of the heterosexual Body without understanding the complexity of how commitment actually occurs in same sex relationships given our liminal state, I would promptly see her to the door and probably offer some expletives to help her on her way.

The toll that the Church has taken on my relationship is enormous. Counseling has helped see the depths of that tragedy. This is a man who is my best friend despite our current problems. We love each other. And surprisingly much of our personal life outside of Church matters is fairly healthy in our interactions, willingness to let one another do our own thing, intimacy, affection. But Church has exaccerbated issues and points of friction and a painful personal matter on the part of my partner, and all the while preaching a heterosexist idealist ethic without one drop of support. I cannot, for the sake of privacy go into details here, but being the partner of a pastor in a tradition that is hostile to gay people, no matter how it pretends to be welcoming in word as they take our money, time, and talent and spit us out left and right, has been thoroughly destructive. No good news there. Tales of vampires and blood-sucking demons come to mind.

After all of my work in life and writing here struggling to be faithful to my love for Jesus and my love for men, seeking a way to embody virtues of fidelity, chastity, stability, conversion, commitment, maybe a synthesis simply isn’t possible? Maybe I'm selling a lie to my brothers and sisters who are lgbt, and it's time to say to the heterosexual Body, "you have no Good News for us." I've grown weary and depressed and despairing. Maybe it’s time to shove off into the City and let the rest of the Body continue to froth and foam and turn in upon itself in its inreach and dishonesty and hostility and self-will and sodomy.

I know a good Zen center down the way. Perhaps, it’s time to check it out? After all, at least these folks aren’t so sure of their prejudices as god-breathed. And I certainly won't be treated like shit in the name of Jesus. So maybe?
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